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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hi there amelie! Haven't seen you around in a while. I remember you wrote some beautiful poetry so I'm glad your back. Anyway, let's get into this.
I love the first stanza. The imagery is simple yet effective. One thing I am slightly confused about: is "the man" supposed to be a reference to something? The best I can come up with is like how "the man" is like the government.
The second stanza is beautiful. It just captures that feeling of being young, in love, and optimistic, which contrasts so nicely with the speaker's attitude.
"resonate with the crows on a flagpole" feels like one of those lines I come across in poems where I feel like it sounds cool but I'm unsure what it means. I'm not sure if it's just a grammar thing or if there's a word choice issue that's keeping me from understanding what this is supposed to mean. If you wanted to explain this a little more, I might be able to offer more helpful suggestions.
The next stanza gives us some kind of weird and surreal imagery. The line "I ate the house to keep it safe inside" is really interesting, though I have to chew on it a bit (pun totally intended) to understand it. Is it that the speaker is trying to preserve her house, her idea of home, by swallowing it so it can't be destroyed? Or is it that she hates her home and wants to eat it so it be chewed up by her teeth and dissolved in her stomach? Maybe it means something else and I'm really off track?
The last stanza is so matter-of-fact, I love it. It kind of reminds me of the John Mellencamp song "Jack and Diane" "Oh yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone" (fun fact, I used to think the line was threat which really confused me).
Overall, I think this has some cool imagery describing the end of a relationship along with the optimism of youth. If you want any clarification on anything I babbled about above, feel free to ask. Welcome back and as always, keep writing!
the first time you read this poem, admit it; you are rather taken aback. not a bad thing really. i think the small style of your letters give this nice antic feeling, but it still gets you out of the emotion. i also think you should add i m a g e r y and d e s c r i p t i o n. (comparison as well). only until the last stanza, does this sound like a poem- not because of the absence of the rhymes, but because you make it more sound like a storytelling. you should've insisted more on the way this affected you, the way you felt etc. but not only at the last stanza; aLl ThE TiMe. it might seem hard, but it isnt. just try adding one or two comparisons at each stanza, and it does the trick. i know that when something hurts your feelings, people either only write down how they feel, or they only write what happened. the best poems must have a bit of both to affect us directly.