Mom
U always raised a storm
When I did something wrong
Those blowings made me strong
They stood
Me good
Thank u mom for providing a hood
Gave me what u believed was right
Ill care for u with all my might
Raised me in a manner
Saw me through your scanner
Made strong helped me when I needed u most
To u I raise a toast
Ur the finest mother I can claim and boast
U tried to tell me all good things
I’ve tied them in my mind with strings
You are so compassionate
Thank you for making me passionate
To reach the sky
And never give up or stop to ask why
Sorry for annoying u so often
I know I need to soften
U too need to control your anxiety
Spend more time with all mighty
Try to lend me an ear
Whenever I hold a fear
Till im on this universe
May god not show wrath or curse
As now u need love n care
My joys with u I want to share
Without u my life would be empty and meaningless
As without my mentor I‘ll end up uncurable stress
So please take care
As I need u here!
Love u mom
Please be a little more warm
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
In all honesty, this poem was very hard to read through. I know you're probably getting tired of it, because every other critique has mentioned this fact, but please, spell out the words "you" and "your" and whatnot. Seriously, you should never post a poem that is obviously not grammatically satisfactory. People make mistakes, for sure, but what authors have you seen publish works littered with "U?" Please, from now on, try to use proper language skills. We're just repeating this to stress how important a respect for the language is on a writing site.
Another thing that made it hard to read is that the rhyming seemed forced, and there wasn't too much of a rhyming pattern that I could see. In a bit of it, it seemed as if you made up things just for the sake of rhyming. For example:
What does this mean?
Then there's this:
In the first two lines, along with the entire poem, you're writing about how your mom acted toward you. All the things she did. Then, in this random line, you talk about yourself. This seems like it should either be in the ending, or not in there at all since it doesn't fit the pattern.
What sort of manner? You have to show the reader what you're talking about. This could mean in a caring manner, in a distant manner, a horrible manner...Details are your friends.
This has been touched on so I'll keep it short. This is pretty much the same word, not a rhyme.
So in the first half, you said that your mother helped you when you needed her most, but in the second part, you said "try to lend me an ear / whenever I hold a fear." So did she or did she not help you? Did she at one time, and then stop? Are you asking her to be like she used to be? Go into more detail about this.
Aren't you already on this universe? This doesn't make much sense.
So all in all, I think you know what you need to work on. Also, when you write a poem, don't make it sound forced just for the sake of rhyming. If you're trying to rhyme and it doesn't sound as heartfelt and passionate as it could, keep in mind that there are other types of poems to try your hand at. Poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme. You seem like you might be good at free-verse, so I'd recommend you look into it.
What I did like about the poem: It was sweet. I could tell that your mother is special to you and that you're concerned for her, and also there for her.
Just remember to write from your heart, check spelling and punctuation, and don't get discouraged.
Hey, Gsp here! I'm sorry this is harsh. I'm a natural nitpicker, and bad grammar/spelling sends shivers down my spine.
Okay, I didn't even have to read all of it before I found too many errors for me to keep track of at once. No offense.
Urk. Please, please use proper spelling. U? That just looks... wrong. *shudder* And those last two lines.
Uhm... These look a lot shorter than the other ones. Maybe combine them?
So, try it like this;
Okay, next stanza.
Again; Spell "you" right please. The "U"s look cheap and annoying and they bug me a lot. Other than that, I like it. So it should look more like this;
Onward!
"U"s, "U"s, and more "U"s. They bug me. Cut it out with the "U"s. Please. And "Ur"? That's just simply horrifying. I know you can do better than this.
"compassionate" and "passionate" seem too similar. They just don't sound right so close to each other. Try using another word. I don't know what word because I'm not a poet, but I'd advise another word.
I'm going to keep repeating this until you get it. Please don't use "U"s. It will look much better if you spell properly.
The last line doesn't really make sense to me. Also, All mighty is one word. Almighty.
"Till" should have an apostrophe in the beginning. Like this; " 'Till" "im" should be "I'm". And I think, I'm not sure, but I think, that God should be capitalized. So it should look like this.
Next!
Again; do not use "U"s. It makes it look sloppy. Other than that, this stanza is great. I like the third line especially. "Without you my life would be empty and meaningless".
And... Next!
I know you're probably getting tired of this by now, but yes, I'm saying it anyway. No "U"s. Please try to spell right.
And before I forget, punctuation would be good here. Also, this poem doesn't seem to flow like a lot of poems I've seen. I'd try fixing that if I were you.
Okay, I'm done tearing your poem to shreds now.
Happy YWSing!
~Gsp
Hey there!
Agh. It's full of 'U's. Be sure to spell them out in full, k? And, as Empress said, I think punctuation would work here.
Your rhymes seemed kind of forced throughout. In my opinion, you'd really want this to be a poem full of emotion and feeling. You've managed that in some counts, butma lot of the emotion is hampered by the fact that you need to stick to a rhyme scheme. Why don't you try free form poetry and see where that gets you?
~Amy
This is essentially rhyming passionate with passionate. Try a different word or nix those lines altogether.
That was a beautiful couplet.
I agree with the person above, spell out those you's.
You also have no punctuation, something that works with some poetry but, with this piece I would suggest commas and periods to separate thoughts.
Hope that helped and as always keep writing.
EMpress
Hey, its Ir here to review your poem. One thing you should check out is the welcome page since your new. There you can post about your self and make some friends. Also, there is a 4:1 ratio system here. Which means you must do 4 reviews for every story you post. That way, everybody is getting reviewed. Also, each review must be 50 words or more to count.
OK, I like your poem. One thing i didn't like is that you used "u" instead of you. MAybe that is your style, but it seems sloppy. Also, you might want to shorten up your lines. It's daunting to a reader when they see the long lines but if your shorten them, more people might review and read.
Great Poem!