Published July 23, 2009
[b]Maddy The Hater
Some thing's been conceived,
I can no longer control it.
It rants and raves,
and fights all that oppose.
Though demeanor is calm and steady,
I'm lost inside, I cannot be retrieved.
It is the time of madness and tears,
this pretty flesh is desired.
The gods' little plaything,
my core, my soul devoured,
can you see my fears?
I'm in love with the wicked,
lust for blood, pleasured by pain.
The knife sharpened, I laugh at the violence,
for my minds' eternally conflicted.
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Hon, calm down. That's no way to thank for a critique.
Rape isn't a unique theme, it's been done, so I stick with what's been said.
Also, a person can write since the age of 2, and they'll still suck if they aren't willing to listen to critiques. This wasn't criticism; I didn't call you an idiot or a bad writer. I pointed out what needed aid; thus, I critiqued. Look up the definition darling. Even if you "meant the words you put" doesn't make them right, you used demeanor completely wrong, look it up.
Darling, I never said all poetry had to be the same. E.E. Cummings had the most odd poetic form ever, but it worked for him. Your odd design is just, well, odd. It doesn't work, which means it's not excusable.
Please, learn how to accept criticism, you're 26, and should be used to it.
I'll fix it, sorry for freaking out on you.
Okay, so you seem to focus on metaphor way too much.
Poetry should be a balance between imagery and thought. Granted, there are some pieces that are purely metaphorical, but, their imagery tends to be fantastic. Yours is par, at most.
Plus, you have some odd comma splices and line breaks, along with grammar flaws that sacrifice your cadence (flow).
Should be "something's", and your second line is just... blah. There's nothing to it, and I can't find a way of fixing the awful flow. Also, demeanor means attitude, I think you meant docile? The line breaks that you use make this poem sound really forced and, forgive me, amateur. Plus, the idea is slightly cliche. Being lost within one's self? It's been done by everyone.
Actually, the rest of the poem has the same mistakes:
Odd line breaks
Fractured flow
Comma splices
Incorrect word choice.
Work on fixing those errors and try writing another poem.
Good luck.