Published June 24, 2010
This is my second poem and I just wanted to know what you guys thought of it and how i can make it better.
There are two sides of me
They both want to be free
They shout and roar
It's a definite war
Neither can succeed
The fight will proceed
They don't realize
That the beauty lies
Within them
Stuck at the hem
Of their futile strife
Hidden by the destructive knife
This fight cannot be won
I can't see how I can go on
I'm stuck at the core
Of this endless war
Why cant they see
The me should be we
They will not exist without another
And they shall not exist without the other
The battle shall keep on going
Beyond the rivers of blood flowing
I feel like its being drawn out but I dont see how else to get the message out. Thanks for reading. Please dont hold back on the critique.
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Thanks for your suggestions. And it's my second poem. The first didn't go so well. I'm glad you liked it and I will take them into consideration.
Like Fiction said, this is great for you first poem. I really like the subject matter, and think a lot of people can relate
I believe the poem might flow a little better if you added another they, "They shout and they roar".One suggestion...
My favorite line:
Keep writing!
~Mel
This is great for your first poem. Your rhythm is really good and I like your use of couplets I do have a couple of suggestions...
One cannot survive withoutfeeding off the emotions of the other.I might say something like that.
can't
Over all I think this poem would be great with few revisions. I think that you should keep writing poetry.
Have a good day. Fiction