Hurt

I am not gonna edit because I understand when you have a fight with a friend and write a poem without thinking about grammar or anything.It happened to me and I was on facebook and it sucked.I hope it gets better!
~spartacus~

The friendship we have burns on as the occasional argument throws water on the flames ~dreamer~

I didn't make many changes but did that help?

I can understand this a lot and I think it was very good. To people who have been in these types of relationships, it's an easy poem to understand. A few points I think that need to be changes.

1.) The part "Noticed only when wanted/Or hurted" I would change hurted to hurt. I know about poetic liscense but it will still keep the flow I think.

2.) "You've take everything/ And I refuse to give you what you really want/ The only thing you can't and never will take from me." Okay these lines were the most frustrating part of the poem. First "You've take everything" should be changed to "taken" or "you take everything." That grammatical error bothered me. Second, you contradicted yourself in these lines. How can you have something left if they take everything from you? You should definitely change, otherwise you confused the reader. Finally, you used a double negative. Effective yes, but it could be better if you put "the only thing you will never take away from me." Feel free to ignore me, I can easily ignore that error. After all, it is very effective.

3.) I liked the ending. Perfect. A little redundant, but repitition helps get the point across.

I liked it overall. Good job and I hope to read more.

Hi there,

First let me say, you have NO idea how much I can relate to this. It may not make sense to some people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Without a doubt. You managed to show so much emotion it was a bit over whelming, but I loved it none the less. The person before me pointed out some of the things I would have. However, I do have a suggestion, in this stanza:

"You've take everything.
And I refuse to give you what you really want.
The only thing you can't and never will take from me."

If it were me I'd change it to:

You try to take everything.
But I refuse to give you what you really want.
The only thing you can't and never will take from me.

It might make a bit more sense that way...

But um, yes anyways I loved it, so good job.

Sorry, just had a fight with a friend and this came out. I didn't really think about it much.
First: stepping back was a metaphor because we were talking on facebook.
Second: what do you mean by again and again and again.....?
Third and Fourth: don't know how to respond.
Five: the rhyme didn't really register with me, I wanted to convey two different aspects on that. And one-sided relationships are when only one person is actually trying to have a relationship in the relationship. Confusing? Oh well.
Six: conveying a point.
Seven: the problem is it feels like I can't.
Eight: a point to prove.
Nine: obvious.
Ten: not asking YOU, asking person who inspired the poem.
Eleven: I'll leave you guessing.
Twelve: that means that I've grown so accustomed to what those "you's" do that I barely notice it.
Thirteen: point made.

Finally, not harsh, honest. The dot, dot, dots were to make you think and put you in my position.
Thanks for reading.

YAY!! First to reply!!

I stood there,
On cyberspace chat
And watched you stepping back....How can you step back on cyberspace?

Again.And again and again and again.

Sometimes it gets old,
You know?I know. Tell me about it.

I do.Obviously

One-sided relationships
End fast One sided relationships?
Don't last.The rhyme does nothing.

Just to tell you,
I'm getting sick of it.Most people would.

Of everyone
Choosing others over me,
Of ignoring me,
Of hating,
Leaving,
Cheating,
Everything....Change it then.

Over me.This was unnecisary.

It hurts.
But you don't think of that.
No one does.Duh.

I'm like a shadow,
Noticed only when wanted,
Or hurted.You can't hurt a shadow.

You pretend to like me,
To know me,
To need me.
But only when you want something.Using you.

So why are you talking to me now?

What could you possibly want from me?Why are you asking me?

You've take everything.This makes no sense
And I refuse to give you what you really want.
The only thing you can't and never will take from me.What??

There's more than one you.
The you that wants me;
Hardly believable.
The you that uses me;
More than one.
The you that doesn't care;
You're all the same.
The yous that fill the rest;
And barely even register.....A very confusing part.

All of you,
Have at least one thing in common.

You want to hurt me.
You hurt me.Obviously.