Family First

Thanks guys. I know that this needs a lot of work. But this isn't a 'sad poem'. I was actually intending it to be an angry poem. When I wrote this, I wanted to put it in the simplest way. I'll work on it when I get the chance. Please be patient.

hi.. I will again say, Like the other reviewers have, It was a good piece but needs a lot of improvement... Probably telling who exactly she is would have been better... Then the emotion was good but imagery failed... Please improve it a bit.. It would do much better with the improvements...

First off, I can tell this is an interesting piece. You have a lot of emotion in here, but I kept getting the feeling that you're not displaying it in the best way. I wasn't really sympathetic or sad. This didn't arouse my emotions. Right now, to me, it just feels like you're getting rid of your own feelings by writing a 'sad' poem. Which is fine. You just need to remember that your reader doesn't know what you're going through. Another thing that bugged me was the lack of imagery. It's OK for it to be somewhat simple, but right now its...just too simple. Almost boring. Not trying to sound harsh, this could be very emotional and exciting to read, but it needs work.

amandajo wrote:I wanted to tell you that what you did was wrong.
You taking her side shouldn't have happened. #8000BF ">Who is "she"? Who are you referring to?
I can't stand that you don't really care anymore;
That you want her in your life than you want me. #8000BF ">This line doesn't make sense. Maybe you forgot a "more"? Teehee

Should be used to this feeling,
Always second in your book,
But her over family. #8000BF ">This was difficult to read and didn't make much sense.
That's where I draw the line.

You can't have it both ways, #8000BF ">This stanza was all like "blah blah, whine and complain" maybe try adding something so the reader actually CARES?
Can't have her and me;
I can see what you really want now,
So go on, stay with her.
She makes you happy, I won't ruin that for you.

But the thing is, you have the nerve to insult me.
What gives you the right.
I've held back one to#FF0040 ">o many times;
It's time now that you learned what real family is. #8000BF ">Another strangely[color=#8000BF] worded sentence.[/color]

Family is co-existing with each other
Even if the other drives you crazy.

Family is always being there for them
Even if it's hard for you.

Family is unity
Even when faced with seemingly unbeatable odds.

Family is putting them before you
Even if you don't want to.

Family is wanting to always be there for them
And hating it when you're not.

Family first.#8000BF ">K, this stanza was by far my favorite. You have a good ending on this, which makes me feel better about the whole thing.
We were taught that from day one.
What happened to you?
How could you betray blood?
I guess you're not the same, everyone changes
But family never changes, we're always there for you

So why couldn't you be there for me?

Very nice. I enjoy the uniqueness you put into this poem. Dogs here with a couple little critiques. Firstly, this is just me which makes this a little bias..., personally i'm not a fan of long poems because it looses the readers intrest and it kinda intimidates before reading it. I actually think that this poem should maybe belong in either dramatic poetry or narrative poetry because it tells more of a story, its much more of a narration in my opinion.

However on the bright side i really loved reading this piece, my favorite line is the second to last stanza when you say "how could you betray blood?". It allows you to display a very strong feeling of total rejection (can't really find the right word lols) it makes the poem so much colder if you get what i'm saying.

buuuut anyways i think this is an awsome poem but maybe shorten it down about it take out chunks to make it a little shorter but you are the reader and you know best. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!!!!!!!!!


TuckEr EllsworTh