Pondering sleep of mine
Around my waking body blackened vine
The knife held in hand pulses with light
Trying to carve my last night
Glinting with a deadly glare
Pressed upon satin with bloddy flare
A weak smile upon my lips
My life flowing down fingertips
The world around me fading
Blessed darkness still evading
My sleepless form now dark as light
Easing away the dwindling might
An empty shell from which I be
Can no longer hold onto me
Creating a memory to hold me in
Where you'll know I always win
To the flame I seek I fly
And leave my body with lips open in my whispered goodbye.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
This was a really cool poem. The main thing that I would have to say is that you should add punctuation; you seemed to have completely ignored it in this piece.
Other than that, I liked the poem. Keep writing!
Maybe its just me but I think you should rephrase the last line so it is not so long compared to the others. Everything else is wonderful and I truly enjoyed it!!! Keep up the good work and I can't wait to read more of your writing!!! Good job and Happy Writing! I hope you receive many helpful reviews and post more soon. Best of lucks ^^
Soulkana<3
I do have to say that this is so full of poetic contradictions that it can be a little hard to keep straight as a mis-type or something of the sort. I reall really really like the idea, it just needs some refinement. Here's a few ideas:
1. Personify the dream more? Consider giving it a name.
2. Don't ever ever ever pull any punches. Dreams can be the most destructive or constructive things kind of in this world. If you can somehow capture that, I will say you have created a masterpiece... Wow, sudden inspiration for myself...
3. Keep on writing. And let the pen flow.
Well writ.
It's a bit dark and gloomy and sad, but I like your way of writing it. I can feel the emotion in every stanza, and found myself inhaling deeply as I read it! (weird, huh?)
Thank you for the reviews. This poem is actually based on a dream I had, well, more like nightmare. How messed up is that? Oh well. Thanks again and please feel free to criticize.
Extremely sad, but beautifully written. I love the imagery, and it felt as if I could see the person and the scenario. Beautiful, in a depressing way.
I like it. Although it is at some level depressing, and eerie, I liked it. Very emotional, and touching, if you could call it that.
Okay, thanks for the reviews.
And sorry I did re-read it but I must've missed the whole thing. Sorry, editing right after this.
I liked this, it was very well written. The imagery was great too, really painted a good picture in my mind. I usually don't like ryhme very much, but this was actually pretty good. Anyways, I really liked this so great job. Keep writing
I liked this poem although some parts seemed a little forced. However, I'm sure that many of us have forced rhymed before. I noticed the mispelling of "held" as well. I'm sure that perhaps you were typing fast and didn't realise it.
Oh Doxie00: you can also say it's "very metaphorical".
I liked this poem. Really nice and I especially loved the rhymes girl!!
...I also liked the way you describe how death will slowly creep in...love the title too 
However, there was a part that confused me:
To avoid doing this kind of error (if it was a typing error) I would advice you to ALWAYS re-read what you write. It's always good.Oh and I loved the way your poem was all mystical and very metaphoric...(if that word exists-__-) Lol.