Chapter one (a draft tbh)
It was the height of the summer and a scalding sun was beating down on the yard. A lone boy sat in a pile of dirt and grass. He was grimy as clouds of dust flew up into his face from the way his hands bat against the ground. The boy–as he was usually referred to–was trying to find worms. Of course, most were hiding deep in the earth to keep from drying out in the heat. It was a scalding 95°, but the boy sat there in his own sweat happily enough. His apathetic digging into the ground was quickly abandoned as he heard the mystical, magical, delightful musical notes that signaled the Ice Cream Clown was there.
He dashed from the barren yard, his feet pounding hard against the pavement in old Converse. The concession window slid open with a loud scrape and the boy was greeted with his very best friend Dinky Doo the Clown. Dinky called out “Benjamin!” in his rough voice that was forced into an unnatural falsetto. The boy–Benjamin–called out “Dinky!” in likeness. Dinky was unlike most clowns for multiple reasons: he didn’t work in a circus, he looked like an average joe under his makeup, and his makeup wasn't the usual thick face paint that one thought of when picturing a clown. He wore a foundation two shades too light with pink blush, blush eyeshadow, and highlights all over. His nose was dusted pink as well in an imitation of the usual foam red noses circus clowns had. His face paint was closer to Benjamin's mothers makeup rather than doughy costume paint.
Benjamin liked it because it made Dinky seem more human and less like the characters he saw on TV. Said boy had reached Dinky's Magical Ice Cream Truck and was handed a clown-themed popsicle. He chirped a thank you and set to devouring the sticky substance while Dinky prattled on about how hot it was. The clown was wearing his usual tight-fitted striped shirt, rainbow and adorned with small red pompoms. He had yellow elastics hanging loosely and wide leg pants. The legs were red except for the bottom two inches, which were yellow with red polka dots. He also wore yellow gloves. It didn't matter how hot or cold it may be, Dinky always wore the same thing.
He didn't wear a wig but instead kept his dark ginger hair natural and curly. It was a tame version of the comedic afros worn. The tall clown nibbled at his own popsicle as he vented, although he radiated cheeriness. Benjamin nodded and hummed in all the right spots even as his attention was focused on the melting clown-pop. He was used to Dinky talking a lot. Benjamin didn't mind. He liked Dinky.
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Hi hi!
Now that summer is ending, I'm loving the summer vibes here! I'm very intrigued by the whole clown thing too, that's neat! ^-^ It's unique for sure!
Clowns are so interesting! The ambiguity of Dinky's character is really good for the storyline. For example, the contrast between Dinky's seemingly "human" makeup and his unnatural voice. I can't tell his intentions just from this little chapter, but I imagine they aren't going to be the best! This whole chapter has a subtle eerie atmosphere, but it's not overwhelming. There's a lot to think about over the story!
I'm very curious about Benjamin, too! He seems to be the perfect representation of an innocent character. He is content with digging for worms or eating a popsicle, which are very characteristic of a young boy. I wonder if he'll end up "growing up" over the course of the story. Like a loss of innocence thing. I see the horror tag, but I'm not sure! Usually though, that's how stories like this end up progressing.
I do feel like you could strengthen the mood though. There's a lot of eeriness and creepy undertones, but that's it. I think that the mood doesn't do much for the story since the story should come first. Maybe you could create a stronger sense of a mystery! An idea would be making Dinky even creepier.
Also, the interaction between Benjamin and Dinky could be strengthened as well. Maybe with a little more dialogue or specific exchanges! Right now, Dinky's "prattling on" and Benjamin’s passive responses feel a bit flat. They don't feel like friends! A unique quip or joke from Dinky would make him more memorable, since he doesn't feel like a developed character right now. More is better than not enough!
This was a cool story though! I hope you end up expanding on it!
~ Seoyoung
Hello there, alyfr! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the frightful S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - What’s this? What does my eyes behold? Is it…another CLOWN ENTHUSIAST?! How marvelous! I too find clowns to be wonderful. :> Now, the story itself is about a boy named Benjamin who was searching for worms, until Dinky the clown shows up with ice cream, and Benjamin listens intently as Dinky talks about life with him.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - This is up to you, but I think that you could say “on” the pile of dirt instead of “in”. But if not, then please ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - My favorite part of this chapter one draft was when you described Dinky’s makeup, and how it is different from most clowns. People would argue that clowns cannot be trusted because of the “heavy face paint” but if said makeup shows more human features, then there’s not much to say. I’ve never heard of a clown like this in stories, so kudos to you for the originality!
Closing Graham Cracker - As if right now, Benjamin and Dinky’s friendship is adorable. But I’ve noticed that one of the tags for this is “horror”, so there might be more that is to come…whenever you feel ready, I’ll be around to read the next chapter! ^v^
I wish you a fabulous day/night! :>
Good book.