Published February 1, 2009
N/A: I'm not too sure about this. I wrote it on Friday night around midnight and am too lazy to edit it myself. I don't like the beginning sentence all that much, I switch tenses, and I use As way too much. Suggestions are more than welcome and so are title ideas. Oh, and the "Love you!" part is meant in a sisterly-way, not in the way most people would probably think of it. Is this worth continuing or should I just stop and work on something else? Thanks. -always/Kat
***
Alanis scrambles up the latter after her. She tiptoes to the edge of the top of the hayloft, where her best friend is staring down at the lake fifty feet down, a glimmer in her eyes. “Joyce, no. We aren’t going to jump down into the lake. We’ll get ourselves killed.” She looks from Joyce to the lake and back again. Joyce grins. “Psh, we’re not going to jump—“ She lets out a deep breath. “—we’re going to use this rope instead!” Her heart begins to race and as Joyce calculates the best way to tie the rope to the hayloft in pitch darkness, she begins thinking of all of things that could happen to them if they swung. “See you on the flip side, Alan! Love you!” Before she can react, Joyce is swinging and then panicking as she’s tossed into the open air. The next thing Alanis heard was a large Plop! as Joyce fell into the water. Running as fast as her out-of-shape legs can take her, she hurries down to the lake, estimating where her best friend may have fallen. After no one surfaces after a minute, she knows the worst has happened, and doesn’t stop screaming as she runs to the nearest farmhouse.
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139,267 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm...well this is quite the scene here, but before we dive a little deeper into proceedings I will have to start by saying that this could really use a bit of paragraphing here. The flow that you have here as it stands is certainly not bad, but its just not quite as well done as it should be I'd say. With splitting this into maybe just two paragraphs based on sort of the two main notes this piece hits I think you could really up that quite a bit here.
But enough on the paragraphs for now. The story itself is pretty nicely done here. Its a scene that works really well as a prologue and the sheer sort of slight shock you get there and the emotion there lends itself very well to pulling you in as a reader and really making you want to read on and find out not just what happens next here but just the context of how things even got the kind of state they are in at the moment. I also love the little touch of description you'd sprinkled in here. It wasn't a lot, but I think it was just enough to make this just that little bit more powerful as a prologue.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Um... 'latter' should be 'ladder', as the many reviewers above had pointed out...
You're too brief in description, even if this is a prologue. Let's try:
"She tiptoes to the top edge of the hayloft, where her best friend, Joyce, was staring down at the deep, dark lake fifty feet below them, a sharp glimmer in her eyes."
...or something like that. But here's the glitch: I haven't seen a hayloft with a lake at its edge. That's kind of, um... offset? Please give more details about the surroundings and make them as realistic as possible, mind you; so that they would be easy to visualize and to take in, when we place ourselves in the characters' shoes and experience what they were experiencing themselves. Got my point?
If you were planning to make your character use a rope, making the lake to be a fifty-feet deep plunge for her was a wrong move. NO ONE would ever dare to do that (even the greatest non-superhero real-life daredevil would NOT attempt to do that without proper equipment and safety insurance) unless she was retarded. That makes our eyes roll. Also, it lacks emphasis.
Look at the irony of things. She was so cheerful about casting herself into total ultra-mega-giga death when she jumped down the exaggerated fifty-feet lake, and then she panics in spite of herself. Sigh.
And estimate is such a cold word... Try something else.
"After her friend doesn't surface after several, tragic minutes, she knew the worst had happened. She screams and wails at the top of her lungs as she ran to the nearest farmhouse, desperate for help."
That concludes my review~~!! Thank you for reading!!
I hate this tense so badly. Really I do, find it very irritating. Most other people feel the same way, but if you must, you must.I thought it had potential, but you gave too much action, not enough description in so little a time. I didn't feel anything for the characters and worry about them, because I hardly knew them. Which would be the aim if you are trying to tell a tragic incident.
You mean third person omniscient? The only issue I have with omniscient is that it can be hard to pull off. Besides, I think third person limited is two or less characters and omniscient is three or more, so I think I'd still be good there. That can be argued, though, but it's what they've always taught people here.
I don't mean to argue or sound rude or anything; I just think it would help the reader better understand how Joyce is falling since Alanis can't see much in the dark. Besides, I wouldn't just have her only have one thought in all of it; I could have her come back and judge Alanis' actions and behavoirs after her death.
Sorry for arguing with you; I know it's irritating.
Thanks again.
-always
The only problem with Joyce's feelings being put in is that your story would be switching to third person omnipotent, a voice that really bothers me.
Voice/POV
Third person limited -- Third person limited is when the story is told by a narrator. Imagine a third person looking in on two people talking.
In third person limited, the narrator only goes into the thoughts of one character. An example of this is Harry Potter. There are several MCs, but the narrator can only see the thoughts and feelings of Harry. You can describe another character, but you can't get inside their head.
Third person omnicient -- The narrator is like God. We can see into the thoughts and feelings of all the characters.
Understand a bit?
-Sakura
Thanks guys.
I completly agree with everything you've both suggested and although I can't work on it tonight (I'm actually watching the Superbowl, as much as I hate football and the Superbowl in general), I was thinking that maybe I should add on Joyce's feelings as she's failing? Like make it a new paragraph or something and put it in italics to separate the the POVs? Thanks again. 
*patiently hopes for more reviews*
-Al
Al! Something by you! I don't think I've reviewed something by you in the longest time, or maybe never, and that's just awful so I'm going to review NOW!
Anyway, this is really very short and Haruno went to town on this already, so my review won't be quite so nitpicky, but let's see what I can do. From the get-go, looking at the prologue itself, I say that the paragraph is much too long. Shorten it into at least two, or start a new paragraph whenever there's new dialogue.
I'm not a fan of the first sentence either. It's just the ending, "after her", which I don't much care for. It sounds like it should be in the middle of a paragraph. Instead of saying "after her", experiment around and try something along these lines: "Alanis scrambles up the ladder, Joyce already high above her", or "her best friend already at the top", so there's more of an introductory feel about it.
Also, make "Plop!", plop.
Start a new sentence with "She knows the worst has happened". I crossed out the words I did to make the sentence sound more active -- same thing with the suggested period.
Alright, so this was an interesting start considering the actual event, though because it's so short I can't really comment on anything else. The main thing I have to suggest here is breaking it all up into smaller paragraphs, especially starting new ones when dialogue starts. I'm thinking maybe you didn't do it because you quickly wrote it, but it's easy to fix, and OF COURSE you should continue with the story.
Allll!! Write more!!!
~ Clo
Hey, Always a writer!
Just a few nit-picks:
-Latter should be ladder.
-Eh. I'm not really a big fan of this first sentence either.
There are a few things I would change about it:
-Perhaps you should describe the scenery more in the first sentence. It will get the reader invested in the setting and give them a picture in their mind. Alanis scrambling up the ladder doesn't really paint a picture.
-The "after her" part. We readers are new to the story, so don't use impersonal pronouns. Her could be anyone. In the first sentence, give the readers a name to go by.
The using of impersonal pronouns here confuses me. Is it Joyce's heart that is racing or Alanis'? If it is Alanis whose heart is racing, start a new paragraph.
Put this in a new paragraph.
Put this in a new paragraph.
-Heard, was and fell are all in the past tense. Change them to hears, is and falls.
Overall
This is a nice start you have going. It leaves the reader wanting more.
There are a few grammatical errors you repeat again and again:
-Whenever there is a new subject, begin a new paragraph
-Stay consistent with your tenses.
Suggestions
-Use more description. Give us scenery and description of characters' movements. How does Joyce look when she's panicking?
-Get us into the characters' heads. Don't just tell me they're thinking -- tell me their thoughts!
PM me if you have questions.
Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~