When you see and hear people and
begin to become
another person from their perspective
you take away
an important look at life
you take away
individuality and
you become
so much further from knowledge
you must begin
to understand all angles
before you do
the unthinkable deed of losing yourself
in the place
of somebody else
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Welcome to YWS!
I am glad to see more and more new members. I hope you find amazing people and friends here, and have fun. We try to help to every single amazing talented person here so I am glad to review a work of yours which I see is one of your first ones in this site. I think this is having the basics on point but the punctuation could make this look even better, don't you think? I will edit this work right away but before that, I want to say that for a first work, you had done it very well with a lot of thoughts put in the work. This really shows the readers that every each of us is changing the way the people around us are making us change but we need to not let them do it. We need to stay ourselves and change if we want to, for ourselves.
Now, to the edit.
When you see and hear people,
and begin to become
another person from their perspective.
You take away
an important look at life.
You take away
individuality and
you become
so much further from knowledge.
You must begin
to understand all angles,
before you do
the unthinkable deed of losing yourself.
in the place
of somebody else.
Hello and welcome to YWS!
This is Abhipsa, here for a review.
Before I start, I want to tell you that all I write are purely my own thoughts so you needn't take them too seriously. Because after all we all have our own styles and individuality.
First of all I loved your title. Its a great one to draw interest of readers as well as to suit your poem. It's short, simple and nice.
Now coming to your poem, it was a good concept and your writing is great. You have maintained a nice flow and ended it well. You have used repetition of the word "you" very well, and that has strengthened the emotions and message in your poem.
A few things I would like to suggest you though. When read out aloud your poem seems like only a stanza of something incomplete and large till the line "so much further from knowledge". So either you could make more more stanzas by adding things like what are the disadvantages of losing oneself or why people try to follow others' perspectives more than theirs:the psychology behind it or anything that you would like to add. Or if you want to continue in just one stanza, you can add more lines because this way it seems too short.
Next are punctuations. Your poem wouldn't seem short if you add punctuations. Commas, semi-colons and full-stops, wherever needed should be used so that your poem becomes nicer to read.
Anyway, overall you have an excellent work with you.
Keep writing and delighting your readers!
Hey, Allyleeways!
This is my first review so I'm kinda new at this "review" thing, but I have a few suggestions. I think that you have an AMAZING idea for a topic. I would say what needs some work is the punctuation in the poem. And what would also improve the poem is detail. But other than that I can see where you are headed and I hope this will encourage you to evolve your works into something better. Good luck!