thoughts well-worn

I quilt these memories made of patches
stitched loose with failing brakes
and a downhill drive
            hide the uneven edges between
who I thought I was
            and who you said we would be
press the pedal. just run the red. I think I can make it
not hearing the train
                  coming too fast -
if I close my eyes, I imagine I’m making progress
and cut out loose words
a conversation, drunk on dreams and dreams and
            why did you tell me you never loved me
I forgot the context long ago,
but my breath still catches and my stomach curls
shoulders hunched waiting for the impact to hit
            never loved you. never loved. never.
I repeat and repeat and
maybe I beat you to the punch
I tell myself lies
                  in hindsight
and I have to lie down, because my arms feel weak
and my head heavy, and my blood cold.
but still my wandering fingers find stray strings,
and pull.
            tightly.
knotting together whatever threads they feel
strings, or hair, or veins, or your arms tight around my waist
            why didn’t I hold you tighter
if I close my eyes, I can hear you answer
never loved you. not then. not now. never.
            like tires screeching out the truth too late,
            my thoughts spin without traction -
I pull my memory quilt over my head and breathe in
            breaking glass, swallowing needles and loose pins
I remember why I try not to think of you anymore.

Comments

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Reviews: 160

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Wed Sep 23, 2020 4:31 pm

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Valkyria wrote a review...

Hello alliyah,

Courtesy of the Checklist Challenge, I am reviewing this poem!

I am not the best at poetry, and you're a wonderful poet, but I will try my best.

The poem flows at a good pace, and the rhythm is nice.

I quilt these memories made of patches
stitched loose with failing brakes
and a downhill drive
hide the uneven edges between
who I thought I was

I really like this stylistic choice.

I interpreted this poem as a one-sided relationship. The narrator regrets loving her partner because he never loved her.

I really like the metaphor of a car crash. It seems that the narrator's life came crashing down.

I remember why I try not to think of you anymore.

I was a little confused by the last line. It didn't really fit the theme of the poem.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem! The language is strong, and there was a lot of beautiful imagery.

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Mon May 21, 2018 8:17 am

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Panikos wrote a review...

Hi, alliyah! Pan dropping in to fulfil your long-ago review request. Sorry it's taken so long to get round to this - life's just been a bit hectic. I'll try and make it worth the wait, even though I'm not quite as practised at reviewing poetry. Still, let's see how I go.

My first impressions of the piece are positive. I think it's got a nice, easy rhythm, some lovely imagery, and its meaning is distinct without being heavy handed. I always think that the meaning of a poem should kind of be in soft focus - visible, but not entirely clear. I think you manage that well.

The meaning of the poem doesn't really resonate with me, though, mostly because it's a pretty common theme. Love and loss and regret and relationships - they're the staples of the poetry world, so it takes a lot to approach the subject in an original way. There are some gorgeous lines in here - 'I pull my memory quilt over my head' is my absolute favourite - but I don't feel like it amounts to anything new.

That said, I'm quite stone-hearted when it comes to poetry. The reason love and loss and regret are such common themes is because they're such common experiences, so my response to the poem is likely skewed by personal taste and what I find evocative. I have come across very few poems that have moved me - it just doesn't seem to be a medium that gets under my skin.

Let's turn towards some specifics, then. I do agree with Ventomology that you could extend the quilting metaphor a bit more, just so it feels like it threads (lol) throughout the whole poem rather than just bobbing around at the beginning at the end. The nicest imagery in the piece comes from said metaphor, in my opinion, so I don't think you should waste it. On the subject of the quilting imagery, though, I was a little uncertain about your first line:

I quilt these memories made of patches

I wasn't sure how necessary the bold was, seeing as quilting in itself suggests patching different fabrics together - it's almost like you're labouring the point. I don't think you should just delete the bold and be done with it, as it might interfere with the rhythm and flow, but you could consider alternate ways to phrase the line.

Unlike Joe, I actually really like how you cut between the imagery and the narrator's thoughts, as I think it really captures how it feels to obsess over something. I particularly like this bit:

and cut out loose words
a conversation, drunk on dreams and dreams and
why did you tell me you never loved me

I love the shift into 'why did you tell me you never loved me' because it's so unexpected, both semantically and syntactically, and it creates the sense that this narrator can't really think coherently, that they aren't in control of their thoughts at all. It's just a lovely, clever bit of writing, the kind of thing I'd love to analyse if I were writing an essay about this piece.

As a final point, I'm not fully convinced by the last line. Maybe it's just that, next to the metaphors about the memory quilt and swallowing needles and pins, it feels a bit underdressed and on the nose. I don't mind the last line being more blunt, but I don't feel like it packs enough of a punch for me.

That's about all I've got to say! I hope this wasn't a rambling mess, because I'm always distinctly uncertain how to critique poetry, especially as it's so subjective. I think this piece has lovely flow and style, some clever juxtaposition and memorable imagery. It's not the most original subject matter, in my opinion, but what you do you do well. I enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!

~Pan

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

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Sun Jan 28, 2018 12:45 am

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zaminami wrote a review...

Hello alliyah! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

~~Give me your soul.~~

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
~~Strikethrough~~ = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :

My interpretation:

regret. this poem is about regret.

you loved him/her, and they told you that they never loved you. you believe that it's your fault and blame yourself even though it really isn't. why didn't s/he tell me from the beginning? is what the poem screams to me. jeez, that really is cruel of someone to do that.

Overall:

I really loved this poem -- one of the best poems that I have seen on the website. I am very impressed. Keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

This review courtesy of

alliyah says...

For some reason I never saw this review - thank you Kara, I really appreciate your comments! You're right on track with the meaning of this poem! It's about a relationship that in hindsight feels like the speaker "should have known better" (ie. like failing brakes) -- and so they keep dwelling on memories hoping they can make sense of them (quilting metaphor) but they just compound and never really resolve themselves except in a car crash (metaphor for the end of relationship). Thanks for your kind words and sharing your thoughts!

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Sat Dec 30, 2017 3:11 am

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JoeBookman wrote a review...

Hi, it's Joe.

Wow. From start to end, this felt like a car crash, in a strangely twisted and beautiful way.

press the pedal. just run the red. I think I can make it
not hearing the train
coming too fast -

I have to mention this bit right away because it hits hard in all the right ways. You have a way of making an image really punch. The old advice, "Show, don't tell"? Perfect here.

I don't know if I'm a fan of how you cut between imagery and thoughts. Part of me and my tendency to organize wants all the car crash images flush left, with all the thoughts tabbed right. Of course, that may just defeat the tumultuous feeling you're going for here and, like Ventomology pointed out, there's a fluidness that happens because you don't quarter them all off from one another. I certainly feel disoriented at times, and part of me likes it while part of me wants to follow lines of thought a little closer. Perhaps if you associated thoughts that correspond with the image you're giving I wouldn't feel so lost. For example, you might take that train crash imagery and pose it directly next to the emotional impact: "why did you tell me you never loved me".

But of course I take a step back and wonder if even all that is intentional. When a car rolls over, there's ups and downs and multiple impacts, not just one. The work does ebb and flow in a very attractive manner which gives it a huge sense of momentum (which, for me, is a key factor in any successful work).

I love the imagery. I read Ventomology's review and when I read your work, I actually notice you do have an additional reference to the quilt outside the very start and end peppered in- "stray strings," "knotting together whatever threads", etc. Did you add that after their review? I think it reads well and ties together (that's my attempt at a pun) very nicely. It's well balanced as is, in my opinion.

Overall, this is a visually intense work. I enjoyed reading it. Read aloud it has an even more notable canter I can appreciate.

Fabulous work. Keep writing.

Joe

alliyah says...

Thanks for the review Joe! And I haven't made any edits to the poem yet, but I'm glad you caught the quilt references throughout. Even the "push the pedal" and "shoulders hunched" could be sewing machine references and then of course the fingers with stray strings. So some of them were a bit subtle. And yep I made it sort of awkwardly flashing back and forth to mimic how people think about one memory then maybe try to avoid it by thinking of something else -- but ultimately it kind of spirals.

Thanks again!

Points: 33593
Reviews: 557

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Sat Dec 30, 2017 2:18 am

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Ventomology wrote a review...

Hello! I don't review poetry all that often, but hopefully I'll spout out at least one or two helpful things.

Nitpicks:

1. I find it odd that in the first parts of the poem, all the indented lines all have different indent distances, and then in the last part, they are all the same. I wouldn't generally comment, but I couldn't find a pattern or particular reason why all of the indents in the last part are the same.

2. I like the pattern in using the same words with the italicized lines.

Overall Comments:

1. I almost feel like you could do more with the quilt metaphor. It shows up in the first line and the last section of the poem, but not throughout, and I think there are probably some more comparisons you could make. Admittedly, maybe I just thought of them because I have done some quilting.

2. I like the weave (haha, look, a textiles joke) of the three different stories going on here. There's the quilt, the accident, and the unrequited love, and all of them interact with each other so fluidly, in part because they interrupt each other and happen on the same lines, and in part because you didn't choose to do some coding thing where certain interruptions happen with certain indentation distances.

And even though I complained about not seeing a pattern (okay that's a quilt joke too at this point) in the indents, I'm glad that I can't, because it helps everything feel a little more coherent.

Though I still would like to understand the reasoning behind all the different indentation distances.

That's it for now! Happy review day!
-Buggie

alliyah says...

Ah thanks for the review! Many helpful points to consider here. [bahaha and thank you for the quilting puns]

Points: 200
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Mon Dec 25, 2017 3:05 pm

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sammik1102 says...

very well expresed.
the words used do justice to what u feel

alliyah says...

Thank you!

Points: 25
Reviews: 18

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Mon Dec 25, 2017 12:20 am

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Capa002 wrote a review...

Hey,
I'm crap at reviewing but I'll try to do you justice.
Wow, this poem is amazing, it's so beautifully written and I love how you use the structure and form to reflect on the speaker's hectic state of mind. I also love the whole concept of the "memory quilt". I just love this poem very very much, and I honestly can't think of anything to criticise.
Thanks for sharing!

alliyah says...

Thank you for your comments, glad you enjoyed!

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