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maybe goodbyes or run-on sentences

by alliyah


i keep leaving off punctuation marks
and adding extra qualifiers hedging between
my feelings and all of my loose fears
maybe because i hate unhappy endings
so i tend to skip last chapters and
i'm forever leaving off return-addresses and
i give up before there's anything to care about
maybe because i never really knew how to say goodbye
so even when i manage to leave
i'm still unsure of myself because i worry
i might be wrong so i bite my tongue
and i say goodbye in run-on sentences 


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169 Reviews


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Sun Aug 26, 2018 11:30 am
EagleFly wrote a review...



Hi there @alliyah I am here to do a review on your poem first things first.
What I like
i keep leaving off punctuation marks, we seem to do this all the time in life.
maybe because i hate unhappy endings, ever body seems to not like it wen there is no happy endings to something this is a true fact.

What needs work
my feelings and all of my loose fears, I am going to see if I can help you with this a bit.
so i tend to skip last chapters, okay why would you do that I do not see why you would skip the last chapters of a book.
and i'm forever leaving off return-addresses, what is this saposto mean.
maybe because i never really knew how to say goodbye, what do you what to say goodbye to.
i might be wrong so i bite my tongue. why would you bit you tongue I have bit my tongue by aksedint and it really harts if you ask me.
suggestions
1 for: my feelings and all of my loose fears, my guilty feelings and all of my loosing fears. so that is all that I can say. so keep up the good work. HAPPY REVIEW DAY.
@EalgeFly out to seek and kill




alliyah says...


EagleFly your "what needs work section" didn't make sense to me, I'll try to quickly explain the parts you had trouble understanding - "last chapters" are the finals chapters of a book - so skipping them might be done to avoid metaphorical goodbyes. "Return addresses" are what a person writes on an envelope so that people can write letters back - so not writing return addresses is another way to give up & avoid saying goodbye. Notice the theme here? Lastly, in poetry sometimes people use metaphors which means you don't take each sentence literally, but look for it's symbollic meaning. I hope that helps you.

All the best,
alliyah



EagleFly says...


that did help me thank you.



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Fri Aug 24, 2018 9:33 pm
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Taleof6kids says...



I'm not a big fan of poetry, but I am a very big fan of this poetry! Wow. Just Wow! I'm so glad I read this and thank you so much for sharing. It's just perfect!

This embodies my feelings exactly, and I am an English grammar fanatic. That may be one reason why I don't enjoy poetry all that much, because of all the rule breaking a poem can do, but I'm telling you, I just love, love, love this piece! Well done!




alliyah says...


Thanks Tale! I appreciate it! And that's one of the fun things about poetry - stretching grammatical rules! ;)



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Thu Aug 23, 2018 5:06 pm
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Cadi wrote a review...



alliyah, this poem is a delight! It beautifully illustrates a kind of anxiety about feelings and doing things wrong, which I hard relate to. Thank you for sharing it!

I love "all of my loose fears" - a perfect, concise way to describe the kind of free-floating worry that can't quite be pinned down to a cause - and I really like the metaphorical tangent about (not) reading last chapters and (not) writing return addresses on post, which gives us something a bit more concrete to think about in amongst the more abstract worries.

One minor thing I'd say in terms of improvement - I feel like there are too many "and"s in here. The fact the whole thing is about extra qualifiers and run-on sentences means that I'm not going to try suggesting making this poem more concise, like I often do, because I get that the extra words and the run-on are kind of the point - but a) there's two "and"s in a row on lines 5/6, which I keep stumbling on when I read it aloud, and b) five lines out of twelve start with "and", and I think there might be a couple of other conjunctions that could do the same work for some of those - perhaps for the "and i give up before" line?

Cadi x




alliyah says...


Oooh thanks for this review @Cadi! :) I'm glad you got the "loose fears" bit, that's exactly what I was going for. I missed that extra "and" in line 6, so took that out - thanks for catching. "and" is actually my favorite poetry word so I sometimes get carried away with it. I swapped the position of a few of the conjunctions to try to make it flow a bit better/while still emphasizing the run-on stuff, so I'm hoping that helped. Thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it! :)



Cadi says...


Oh, yes, those changes definitely work. Glad I was able to help!



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Thu Aug 23, 2018 9:30 am
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soundofmind wrote a review...



ALLIYAH I SAW THIS IN THE PAD so now I have to review it! And I just wanna say like, I really like how in the beginning you, in a way, tell us that your lack of punctuation is purposeful, but it also has like... a deeper meaning lol. Or at least, you mean not just in this poem I assume. On that same vein, I really liked how you committed to using no punctuation and it makes the last line really stick out to me? Like, the last line carries more punch and it just works so well aaaaah. It's creative and I like it a lot!

So uh!! Nitpicks I guess?

and adding extra qualifiers hedging between

This is probably literally just me but hedging just feels like a weird... word to use here. Mostly cause you say head and my brain is like bushes. bushes. leaves. and I'm like pls no... brain... stahp. But HAAHAHA *wipes sweat* anyway I wonder if maybe "wedging" might... sound better? Idk I mean both give the same general idea but. Yeah.

all of my loose fears

Okay so... I guess I'm not sure what this means? And I know with poems it's like everything means something different to other people lol but idk loose didn't really give me a clear picture, and idk what it means for fears to be... loose. I mean it could just be me, but I wonder if there's a better, stronger adjective that could work here? Do you mean loose fears as in you're just like... open about them? Or loose as in you feel like you have no control over them kind of thing? IDK adshlsjk

i'm still unsure of myself i worry

So I... I get that this is supposed to be like, a punctuation-less run-on sentence, but reading this part felt a little awkward? I mean!! Maybe it's supposed to feel awkward!! But with "i worry" right after what felt like the end of a thought, and then having the "i worry" thought continue on the next line, it just made me like, have to re-read it a few times. Would adding an and between "myself" and "i worry" defeat what you were trying to go for? I mean, in a way, I wonder if adding an and would reinforce the run-on sentence feel, because there's no real period just THIS AND THIS AND THIS AND AND AND, lol. Idk just a suggestion!

i might be wrong so i bite my tongue
and i say goodbye in run-on sentences

Hi this is my favorite part I just keep reading it over and over :,)

WHY IS IT MY FAVORITE YOU ASK? Well... mostly because it's super relatable and accessible haa. Goodbyes are hard in general, but even more so when they're not always on very good terms, or are abrupt, or whatever other relational and emotional complications come into play. Goodbyes force a sort of resolution to a "season" or time of life as we move on to the next, and moving on can be hard if we're not ready, or we feel like other people will push back. It's that kind of reluctance I guess I'm kinda vibin' off this poem? Like that's the vibe I'm getting lol. Endings are hard, but inevitable. And run-on-sentences are a really great symbol of avoiding saying goodbye, by avoiding what should be the inevitable end of a sentence. A period (or something).

SO YEAH I LIKE THIS A LOT!!?? Hopefully this feedback is somewhat helpful or something and if you have any questions or want more feedback pls ask <3

-sound




alliyah says...


<3 SOUND! Thanks for your comment in the pad - I probably wouldn't have posted it otherwise.

Also you're comments are right on point, I was concerned that the poem wasn't sounding "run-on setencey" enough so that's why the awkward "i worry" was stuck on the end of that one line, but I changed a few things around to make it hopefully feel less out-of-place.

HA - also I meant the other meaning of the word "hedging" (as in like hedging bets - where you split your investments between different things to try to minimize loss) so the line is supposed to mean, the speaker hedges/balances their emotional investments between fears and feelings. :) I love that meaning of the word hedging - but you are absolutely right that the plant connotation is awkward imagery!

Yep, you got the interpretation straight on. Goodbyes are tough man! But if you don't say goodbye, there's no closure - so it's an uncomfortable double-bind. Thanks again so much for taking the time to comment and review! Much love!




As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.
— Andrew Carnegie