It's Thursday again
when I see you by the side of the street.
You have needles in your veins, like before
pushing against your skin.
You ask me for a ride home.
I look at you, swaying in the breeze
and I don't say no.
It's Friday, somewhere.
Not here, but you're standing at the top of the station steps
holding your red suitcase
like it never even left your hand.
You're sorry for not staying longer
and thankful for my hospitality.
There are other things, too
but you don't say them.
It's not Saturday.
It should be, but you are not here.
You are not anywhere anymore
but across the street in the churchyard
saying you love me and asking for a ride home.
and I stand on the sidewalk waiting for you to come back.
I will never get used to watching you walk away.
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139,414 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Hello! I'm here for a review:
First and foremost, this piece feels very melancholic - the images here and the final line "I will never get used to watching you walk away." set the tone. Speaking of images, I absolutely adore "You have needles in your veins, like before/pushing against your skin." as well as the subtlety you use elsewhere to bring in images. it doesn't feel forced or overdramatic, it just flows really well.
Each line feels like its own phrase, so you've done well with your line breaks here in terms of clarity. However, they're a bit expected, - what might happen if you chose different places for line breaks? If it doesn't work for your piece, feel free to disregard this suggestion [it may be my own style preference bleeding through].
Overall, the message is simple and it's unified by the passing of time; that structure serves as a good backbone. I've been wondering how it might be expanded [like, what happens between the thursday and friday stanza? what are the things left unsaid?] but i think adding anything to it might ruin the simplicity and structure of it.
Nice work!
Thank you for giving constructive feedback!
Hiya! Sorry for taking so long to review this, I was busy. TvT
To start with, this is pretty good! It's really well written and descriptive, which I just love. The story told is really great! I also love how it's in the first person and referring to the other as 'you'. I haven't seen that type of writing much, so it's refreshing!
I'm just a bit confused by what relationship whoever the other person has with the narrator. Is it a lover, friend, crush, family member?
Sorry for such a short review. TvT Overall, a great story with a bit of confusion.
Ah, thank you! The subject of the poem was written as the narrator's close friend, though it can be interpreted any way you like.
I love this! I love the utilization of the three consecutive days of the week as the start of each stanza. While reading this poem, I really was wondering who the narrator is talking about--is it a charity case, former lover? I love all the sensory details in this piece--they really create a visual--the red suitcase, needles. I really loved these lines: "I look at you, swaying in the breeze
and I don't say no." I love the description of the person standing at the top of the station steps. I love the narrator's acknowledgement of the words unspoken.
I'm glad you liked this! The subject of this poem was written as the narrator's friend, though you can interpret it any way you want. If you have any other questions, feel free to PM me. I really appreciate you taking the time to give feedback; thank you so much!