This is a short something I felt like writing. It's from my dog's point of view.
Emma
Maybe this will be the time; maybe she’ll play with me this time, I think. She’s under the table, staring at me with those intense eyes. I can’t tell if it’s an invitation or a warning. All of my previous attempts have failed, so it’s probably a warning, but, come on, she has to play with at some point and time.
I walk over to her, acting as small and unassuming as possible. There are patches of gray fur on the carpet--her fur. This is her spot. One bound and she can be up on a chair, hissing and scratching away at me. But, I’m going to try anyway.
I slow down as I near her. She doesn’t move, just continues to look. I crouch down, so I’m on eye level with her. Tilting my head, I wag my tail and whimper, pleading with those narrow eyes, trying so hard to show my goodwill. Ever so slowly, I crawl forward.
No good.
The cat rears back and whacks me on the nose. Once, twice. Ouch! She flees to the chair and hisses at me. Another defeat. I retreat. It’s over. Why do I never succeed? All I want is to play with her. So what if I’m a dog? I can cuddle with the masters better than she can, I even get to sleep in their bed; she’s doesn’t even like the masters.
Speaking of the masters, there’s one right now. She’s sitting on a chair in the next room, making noise with her hands on that machine. What is so amusing about that thing anyway? How is it better than playing with me and my squeaky toy?
I go up to the master and sit by her chair. I whimper; I groan and growl. She turns and pets my head. That’s better. But soon she turns back to that humming machine. So, I reach up and put my paw on her leg. She laughs, a low, slow sound to my ears, but I know she’s happy. Turning once more, she rubs the bridge of my nose where the cat hit me. It feels really good. Next, she is massaging my droopy ears and scratching under my collar. I can feel my body turning to mush under her caress.
That does it, I’m down. I collapse and stretch out at her feet. The floor vibrates as warm air comes from the floor vent. I can feel the air on the pads of my feet and the fur on my tail. Above us sunlight is pouring through the window. It falls on my face, warming my muzzle, Sleep is coming; I can feel it. I won’t fight it. It’s far too nice to lay here at my master’s feet and dream…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
i liked reading this! it gave you a sense of what was going on in a dogs mind! and the part about the snooty cat who doesn't enjoy her masters and poor puppy who just wants to play! i love it!!
great work!
I know you posted this a while ago, but I wanted to review something I haven't read before, and I've read all the new submissions.
Here it is: Pretty good. Interesting, to say in the least. I've never thought about life from a dog's point of view. Good creativity.
I love the concept of this story.
Bad cat hurting poor dog
Hi, alleycat!
I agree with Gyrfalcon: you don't need the "I think." In fact, I think it would make a better opening line without it.Nitpicks first...
Again, I'm in accordance with Gyr...I think you would be better off without the "and time." as well. It's just kind of lagging on there at the end for no real reason...
Lol! As a YWS addict myself, I couldn't help but chuckle at this. ^_^
Delete the comma after "so"
This is telling rather than showing. Telling us that it feels really good isn't as powerful as SHOWING us that the humas's fingers feel warm against the dog's short nosefur, tousling it and easing the pain of the cat's swipe... get my meaning? ^_~
I don't like the repetition of "air" here. Maybe try replacing one of them with "breeze" or "wind"?
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Overall, I really loved this piece, please don't get me wrong. The only reason that it didn't win is because it didn't really make much of an impression. After reading it, I was thinking "oh, this is nice." but within a few days I would have forgotten about it had you not entered it into my contest. I think that one of the reasons I feel this way is that this could really be ANY story of ANY cat and dog. You don't bring anything very new to the classic household problem of the cat beating up on the dog who only wants to play and finds refuge in the masters. You don't bring anything new to the perspective that makes me think. I feel like this was written by an observer, not the dog herself. Which, of course, it was--but you should be trying to delve DEEPER into your doggie friend. Try to bring a new twist to her thoughts that make your readers think, "oh, that's interesting, I like that!"
Like I said before, I really do love this piece... but it could be better.
Please don't take my review too harshly!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~
I really like this piece of writing. Mainly because the animals are exactly how my pets are. I have a cat and a dog and they do the exact same thing.
I seems you really can put yourself in your dogs position when you wrote this, and that part of what makes it really good, i`m actually convinced that the dog is telling the story. The dog is acting exactly like any dog does , especially if theres a cat in the house, its like the dog wants nothing more to be friends with the kitty of the household but the cat wants to prevent it.
I really do want to read more to this story
good luck
T
Good sentence, but I think you need to change the punctuation: comma instead of a semicolon would be best. Also, you can probably nix the "I think"--tis a tad redundant.
Pick one and nix the other ("point" and "time" I mean)
No comma necessary.
Really well done bit here; I got a solid image in my head as well as a definite "feel" for the scene.
I don't know if you meant to rhyme here, but it really works! The short sentences are suited to this part of the story.
Again, wrong punctuation. A semicolon should only be used to add on a sentence that's closely related to the first one: here, the emphasis is on the difference between the cat and the dog, so making "She doesn't even like the masters" another sentence would emphasize this.
All hail the squeaky toy!!!
Semicolon alert!
Just made me smile.
I can believe a dog knowing what a table and chair are, I'm having a little more trouble believing a dog knows what a floor vent's called. Still, that may just be me.
1) Lovely imagery, I literally relaxed as I read it.
2) Some punctuation difficulties: again with the semicolon, and you capitalized "sleep" right after a comma. Either make that lowercase or put a period after "muzzle."
Overall, a lovely little piece, enjoying, relaxing, simple. A well-executed image of a good day in all respects, well-done darling!
Thank you everyone for the positive (and quick) reviews. Extra thanks to 1dering at stars for finding my tense change! Oops
To the question everyone asked--"Emma" is my dog's name. She is the main character. I tried to keep the language very simple and plain because I doubt my dog thinks complex thoughts. I also didn't use any names because my dog wouldn't know them--know as in be able to think about it. She of course knows the sound of her name, but she would never name herself.
Thank you!
Very nice. I like the fact its from a dogs point of view.\It made me want to keep reading.
Love it.
You should def do more pieces like this. :]
I really like this! Its sweet, entertaining and fun. I only found one mistake:
There is a tense change here. You could fix it by either saying:
Next, she is massaging under my droopy ears and scratching under my collar.
Or:
Next, she massages under my droopy ears and scratches under my collar.
Other than this it was great, but I'm also wondering why you titled it 'Emma'.
Wonderful job!
Mean kitty! I like it. All the story's that I've read told from a dog or cats perspective always convey as one evil and the other the heros. You didn't do that here. You just did the meanie kitty and the dog trying to get it to play.
Usually the sudden change in character between wanting to play and falling asleep would bug me, but not here.
Bravo.
Mean kitty.
And where did the title come from? "Emma" was never said in there...
The great and powerful Alzz
This is pretty awsome i like that you took on a perspective that i dont think i have ever read before. and your bottom thing is awsome, i love catcher in the rye
Very good!
:D:D:D:D:D
I really like this piece. You managed to convey thoughts and feelings without the 'talking animal' bit. They only thing I can think of is that you and more detail of the situation/background. Give us a little more insight. Other than that, really nice!!!!