16+ Language Violence

i hear the voices chapter 1

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

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*** Patient 13 ***

White, everything was a blinding shade of white. The walls, the furniture, even the lights. The brightness of the room encased me as I rocked. The shadows cast by my bed moved, a swirling mass of lit darkness.

‘They’re here, and they’re going to get me. The shadow. Their portal. Thick taloned hands. They’ll reach for me. Drag me down. End me.’ I mutter. I could almost see them coming out of my floor, a swarm of crimson red and black scales, pointed teeth and pitiless eyes. They hungered for me. Seeking revenge. Thirsting for blood. The shadow moved up the wall. The room darkened, changing to a blood-red shade. The scent of coppery blood filled my nostrils as it swirled from my floor, in thick, hot waves. Black blood trickled from wounds in the wall. My blood. The blood of my people. Words formed. I opened my mouth in a silent scream, and the door opened.

‘Hey Miss Sylvia, how are you doing today?’ I snapped my head towards the cheery voice, the scream now escaping my throat. Dark red scales, fangs and bottomless black eyes. They were here. I knew they would come. I leapt across the room, despite the warning in the back of my mind. I knew it was futile. I knew I was about to die, scattered in chunks of flesh and bone, real blood staining the wall. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going down without a fight. I hurtled into the demon, wrapping my hands around the scaly throat, eyes blazing with pure hate, anger and fear.

An arm wrapped around my waist, pulling me away. I thrashed, hitting my head against my captor. My vision blurred, and I silently cursed my weak human form. The room cleared, and a young girl, no older than thirty, stared at me with sea green eyes and long brown hair. I slumped, my anger vanishing. I was released, and I stumbled to my bed. I stared at the two humans
in their work uniform, sinking into my bed. I burst into tears.

***Izzy***

‘We need to talk about this.’ Concern lased Wills voice as he hurried to keep up with me.

‘There’s nothing to talk about.’ That was a lie but what was I supposed to tell him “I’m breaking up with Nick because I think I have feelings for someone else.”

Ok that was a lie.’ He touched my shoulder causing me to stop. I turned to look at him. His blue eyes were full of concern. ‘Talk to me Izz.’

‘I’m fine, really. If I need to talk I swear I will come to you but I don’t.’ I turned and continued walking towards room 13.

‘Izzy.’ Will said softly, running up behind me. I whipped around to face him.

‘Just leave it alone Will!’ the harshness in my voice instantly made me feel guilty. ‘I’m sorry. I just don’t want to talk about it.’

‘It’s fine Izz, just remember I’m here if you need me.’

‘I know.’ I turned back around and opened door 13. ‘Hey Miss Silvia. How are you
today?’ There was a scream. I didn’t have time to react before her hand was at my throat. The tray of medication I was carrying smashed to the floor. Pills of all shapes and sizes spread across the floor in a dull rainbow. 13’s hands tightened around my throat. Her big black eyes stared straight into mine. There was a wild look on her face. She squeezed harder still. I could feel
consciousness slipping away. Suddenly her hands were ripped from my throat and I was coughing in air. My knees began to buckle. A hand slipped around my shoulder holding me up.

‘Hey are you alright?’ Wills voice was so full of concern I wanted to cry.

‘I don’t get paid enough for this.’ I managed to choke out under my breath. Will smiled
at me, relief filling I’m up. A distraught mumbling filled the room.

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought they had come for me. I’m sorry.’ 13 was curled up on her bed. Silver hair falling around her face hiding her tear stained cheeks. Compassion filled me to the brim. I took the few steps to the bed in a hurry, ignoring Wills protests.

‘it’s ok Miss Silvia. I’m not hurt. I know you didn’t mean it.’

‘I thought you were one of them. I thought you were here to kill me. I didn’t mean it.’ She sobbed. I glanced back at Will who looked just as confused as I felt.

‘Scared, who would get you Miss Silvia?’ she looked up at me, purple now glinting from her eyes.

‘The demons.’ She let the words hang in the air. ‘I ran away. They don’t like it when I run away. They are angry.’

‘There are no demons.’

‘That’s what they want you to think. They want to surprise you, to squeeze the fear out of you until you beg for death.’

‘You safe here Miss Silvia.’

‘No. nowhere is safe. They will find me. They will always find me.’

***Patient 1***

‘I’ll see you tomorrow Mr Stuart.’ The Nurse smiled brightly, her crooked teeth a feral shade of yellow. I grunted a response, sitting in the corner of my room. My nurse left, allowing me to have a glimpse of the metal 1 attached to the door. Number one. Patient one. That’s who I was. Not this Mr Stuart bullshit. To them, I was patient one, and that’s who I always would be. My mouth curved
into a snarl and I punched the wall. Stuck up bitches. How dare they treat me like this. Like a troublesome child. I felt the anger bubbling in me. I punched the wall again and slumped onto my bed. The lights suddenly flickered and died, just like every night. I tried to calm down, anger slowly fading. That’s what landed me here in the first place.

‘Fuck this shithole. Let it burn in hell for all I care.’ I muttered. I lay back on my bed and closed my eyes.

Where are you? Where are you hiding? You cannot run from us? We will come.’ I sat bolt upright, sweat drenching my forehead. I looked around the room. Empty. The only sound was my breathing. I listened for a moment longer and shrugged. ‘Just my imagination,’ I thought. I lay back down. ‘Here we come. Nowhere to run. Now you are done,’ the wispy, hissing voices filled my head. I leapt to my feet, looking frantically around the room. Nothing. I walked to the centre of the room and hesitated. Something flickered in my vision. Nothing.

I shivered, the temperature rapidly dropping. A shadow danced along the wall. Nothing was moving. More shadows. Dancing, laughing, spinning. They were everywhere. All over my walls, unidentifiable shapes. A flash of red in my vision. Glowing orbs with black slits. Blood-red cat eyes. More appeared, the pairs of them floating everywhere. Laughter. Fanged mouths were grinning at me, gleaming in the darkness. The cackling filled my head, echoing. Then pain.Icy fire exploded from my back as even colder talons tore flesh and muscle. I screamed, hot blood gushing from the wound, the first colour in the room. I spun around. The eyes were blurring, almost into one giant mass of red. Another flash of the talons and my leg collapsed. The laughter was getting louder, screaming in my head. My cheek was torn from the bone, baring skull. My own vision blurred. I hit the ground, landing in a pool of blood. They tore open my gut, yanking out the pale intestines, breaking through my stomach. Acid ate away at my flesh, burning.Laughter, it was everywhere. Tears were running down my cheeks, an almost comforting coolness. Talons pierced the skin of my forehead, slowly dragging down to my eyes. I could feel the skin parting, and my vision turned red. The claws closed in on my eyes and I could see no more.

I felt a quick flash of pain at my fingers, and I knew they were no longer there. Bones were snapped and severed. I could feel my feet and legs being yanked from my body. Everything was becoming distant and far away. Five groups of claws dug into my opened torso. The laughter ceased. There was a slight amount of pressure, then they ripped, and I decorated the room. Nothing. I no longer hear the voices.

Comments & reviews · 5
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Hey! Sushi here for a review. Hope this helps ^_^
Your plot was definitely interesting. It shows a vague conflict but I feel like that could be clarified a bit. Right now it just seems like you wrote this to write about slaughter, if you clarify a bit then it will be more like you're writing a book and not just slaughter stories.
I really liked your characters. They definitely had a voice and the best part was they were different from each other. Not one person was like another and this is a great accomplishment! The only thing that I would work on is incorporating yourself in here a little more. I don't mean to make yourself a character, but every author has a distinct writing style. You need to show more what your's is and then you won't be overpowered by your characters.
Now to grammar. You tend to switch your verb tense quite a bit, you need to watch that. The best way to spot errors are to read your piece aloud. Now this isn't quite grammar, but this is where I'm putting it. Your structure of your entire story. You seem to be having a hard time with paragraphing or your computer is glitching up. You make new paragraphs in the middle of sentences. I'm going to assume this is a glitch and move on to you're really long paragraph.
It's okay to space things out. If something moves on to a new topic then feel free to do so. To make something stand out or more dramatic paragraphing can really help you bring that out.
Now for imagery. I must say you did a wonderful job at this, so much so that I feel a little sick XD I'm glad that at the beginning you included smell. When most people think imagery they think sight, but really it's tapping the reader's 5 senses so great job on that!
Overall, minus the paragraphing, you did a spectacular job! Keep up the good work!
Sushi :D

thxs so much and it is the computer glitching but we will work on it

User avatar
alilovessandy
Comment

chapter 2 is finally up

User avatar
LJM368
Review
LJM368 wrote a review · Fri Aug 30, 2013 8:03 pm

Wow...welcome to Creepsville, enjoy your stay. The sadistic demons are especially friendly.

I have to admit, this isn't the kind of thing I normally read. Demons and spirits just aren't my thing. But I will have to continue reading this just so I don't go insane wondering what the heck is going on. I like that Patient #13 is the one freaking out about demons at the beginning. Good creepy number placement. You also do a good job of making her sound insane. (that's a compliment. just confirming that)

The spacing was a little distracting, but I assume that's just the website being weird.

Although the part with Patient 1 was a little disturbing it was very good. Hope to see the next chapter soon. :)

~LJM368

User avatar
Vivian
Review
Vivian wrote a review · Wed Aug 28, 2013 2:08 am

What's with the spacing for when they talk, is it on purpose?

...Anyway _''. I'm Vivian Rose :) I like your story it was exhilarating and scary. It was very well detailed so much that I felt like I was in the story. I've got a sort of knack for horror and stuff but can never write it if I even think about it I scare myself. Heh heh. Well keep writing I'm curious about the rest.

Patient 13, a merciless number.

thxs for the reveiw. the spacing is the way it loaded up. we are working on fixing it now. the rest will be up when my lazy partner finishes her part :P.

Your formatting was odd and slightly confusing, but if it's not the website screwing up again, I'm guessing that's what you were going for. With a story like this, odder can often be better. However, I don't think that the formatting was necessarily better. If it is the website, sorry.
Now, for the actual review. For *Patient 13's part* I like your description in the beginning, and your use of stuffed words was sublime. The way you portrayed her fear was fantastic. I do feel that you could have made it flow more smoothly, and the voice seemed slightly off from the rest of the character's POV toward the end, but overall, I liked how choppy, how uncorrelated it was. It worked very well for this character, especially with the setting you seem to be going for.
For *Izzy's part*- I think it was cool how you brought in the side of the helpers as well as the patients. It was clever to do, and although I feel her character is slightly drab, it was nice to get a look at things from her POV. The interactions between her and 13/Miss Sylvia were intriguing. I look forward to more of this.
For *Patient 1's part*, I enjoyed the imagery and figurative language toward the end of his POV. I think that your delivery in this section was somewhat lacking compared to the others, though you definitely got a better sense of personality from him than Izzy. The interesting thing about his character is that he seems to be plagued the same way as 13. I loved the cliffhanger you left it on. I'm excited for the next installment. What exactly is plaguing these patients? Why do they all seem to his this shared fear? Why do the attendants seem so uncaring? Is anything even as it seems? Things to think about for part two.

Au revoir,
xxFleetingEternity

Thanks so much for the great review. With the layout, it was the website and as for what is affecting the people, they are in an asylum, but you'll find out more later.



Edna began to feel like one who awakens gradually out of a dream, a delicious, grotesque, impossible dream, to feel again the realities pressing into her soul.
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening