CHAPTER 4:
… Then I remembered I was still in the torture chamber with spiders crawling all over me, and I quickly ran upstairs, shaking the spiders out of my hair…
Jason stood quietly, staring out of the dirty window. Rain poured down from the sky, and the house shook heavily when the sound of thunder echoed through the dark sky. I came standing next to him.
“Aw.. Looks like the weather gods prevented us from leaving..” I muttered, not sure why. A dark shadow flew over Jason’s face, but I didn’t pay attention to it. “Maybe the rain will stop after an hour..” I whispered, hopefully, but at the same time I knew better. I continued staring gloomy out of the window, realizing we probably had to spend the night in here. It exited me, but at the same time it didn’t since Jason would have to spend the night in here too. I sighed, and turned around. Jason was already gone. I heard him walking upstairs. I bet he was claiming the nicest bed for himself, selfish bastard. I walked around, extremely bored, and found a broom. I just started to clean a little then. The dust flew up high when I swept it up in a dustbin. I coughed again, tears running over my dusty cheeks. ‘Whew. I think there hasn’t been living anyone here since.. I don’t know.. A hundred years or something? My mind flew back at the torture chamber. I shook my head to clear it. ‘Seriously…’ Then I felt a cold hand on my shoulder, and a little shriek escaped me. I turned around quickly. Of course, it was Jason.
“There is something you must see..” He said huskily, and I couldn’t help but notice how pale he was. I followed him upstairs, shakily, and it wasn’t long before we reached the attic. He opened the only door there was, and I was surprised at how neat and clean it was inside the room. A King-size bed stood in the middle of the room, dark red curtains of expensive fabric were draped over a few high brays and the floor was soft, since all kinds of beautiful red and gold carpets were covering the ground. There was one window in the room, and it was perfectly clean. You could look outside if you were big enough. I was very surprised a room like this existed in an old worn down house like this. Jason still stood by the door, ready to run away if necessary. I didn’t get why he looked so scared. Well.. It was weird, okay, but.. I just guess there still lived a person here, not so long ago. Maybe Frank. Something caught my eye. When I looked outside the window I saw the sun. And when I listened closely I could hear birds. I smiled. “Hey Jason! The sun is shining again! We can go home!” But Jason shook his head. “Impossible, it’s still raining. Don’t you hear it..?” I sighed, he was so dumb… I gazed out of the window again. The sun still shone. “What are you talking about. Here’s a window. Look for yourself!” He slowly stepped inside, and looked around. “Didn’t you see..” he paused, “Never mind.” I frowned at him. ‘What was that weirdo talking about..?'
Then Jason stood next to me, frowning. “Impossible..” He whispered again. I smiled at him. “See? We can go home now. Are you coming?” He shook his head and grabbed my arm. “You don’t get it..” He said hushed, “It’s 8 o’clock. It should be dark outside..!”
End of chapter
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Hi, chapter four.
Why do they think they have to spend the night just because it's raining? Is the rain really preventing them from leaving? Sure, if it were really storming with tornadoes or something, but it seems like it's just raining with some thunder. You can go out in the rain! Gene Kelly sang a song in the rain! And didn't they come in a taxi anyway? Just call a cab to get you out of there! Why do you want to stay in this obviously freaky house with its torture basement, people?!
Interesting development with the window, however. I am curious.
The characters are beginning to grate on me, though. It seems like all they have done is fight and be oblivious to stuff. If the house eats them, it would be their own fault. And we don't want it to be their fault. The only way for horror to be really horrifying is if it's beyond the characters' controls. And these characters could just walk away right now. They should have called the police when they discovered the torture chamber and then this wouldn't have happened. From that point on, they are just digging their graves.
Chapter five?
~GryphonFledgling
A great chapter! Mysterious. Exciting. I only saw one typo.It exited me, The word should be spelled excited. Overall, I really liked it. The plot is very exciting and it keeps you on the edge. Keep writing!
Spoiler
-Titan
Ooooh, so mysterious. I can almost hear the ominous music in the background! Great job, I can't wait to see where you take this. It's so creative of you to try something new like this. Most stories are all same anymore but this is very different and unique. I am officially addicted to this story
Good work <3
Aliepalie,
Your story is already giving me the creeps. Wonderful! Again a few remarks on my favourite topic, you know...
Aw.. Looks like the weather gods prevented us from leaving..” I muttered
Think of the tense. I think it should be the weather gods prevent us from leaving.
I continued staring gloomy out of the window. -> gloomily is an adverb that should be used in combination with the verb staring. Gloomy is an adjective and says something about a noun, like a gloomy person. Most of the times adverbs can be recognized by the suffix 'ly'.
Other than that, your getting better every chapter and your setting and characters are developing and the plot is mysterious.
Regards, Raoden.
:O What a mysterious house!
That is so creative, I don't know how you thought of that!
Great (: