The summer
The calm lapping sound of the sea was all I could hear as the sun beat down on me, the heat surrounding me completely. The small grains of sand were rough on my feet, becoming wedged between my toes. I could feel myself falling deeper into sleep, the salty breeze and warmth from the sand soothing me, my eyes closed, tiredness overwhelming me.
I jolted awake, my heart pounding so loud in my chest it felt like it would escape. I had been asleep for hours, and my friend Jessica was nowhere to be seen. She had left to get ice cream, but she hadn’t returned. Panic blurred my vision as I started to quickly get up.
“What’s the rush, Chloe?” my friend Adam asked as he stretched out and yawned.
“I haven’t seen Jessica for hours, where is she?” I replied breathlessly as I pulled shorts and a top over my bikini.
“Oh, she probably just went back to the apartment; don’t worry about it." Adam continued to flick through his magazine, adding, “You know she burns easily, so she probably just decided to go back and get…”
I didn’t let him finish, and instead began calling Jessica repeatedly. She wasn’t answering, so I left an anxious voicemail, praying that she was alright.
I
looked around the unfamiliar beach, trying to spot her. She was
wearing a pink, loose fitting dress and sandals, with her light
blonde hair piled on top of her head in a bun. As I searched for her,
I saw lots of girls who I thought were her, but definitely weren’t.
By now, worry had turned into complete fear; this was the first day
of our holiday in
Spain so she could easily be lost. What if her phone had run out of charge, or she couldn't find her way back to the beach? Suddenly a memory from the previous morning back in
England emerged in my head…
I
had been sitting around Jessica’s kitchen table, with Adam and
all of our parents, who were excitedly chatting about the upcoming
holiday. As my parents were naturally worried, we had decided to
reassure them that our first holiday without parents would be fine.
“I read an article online that said there have been lots of kidnappings of young women abroad,” my mother was telling the other parents anxiously, “they take advantage of the naïve tourists, you can’t trust anyone, Chloe.”
“Mum, its fine, we’re not going to go off on our own, are we?” I looked pointedly at Adam and Jessica who both nodded in agreement.
“Of course we won’t, I’ll make sure we stick together.” Adam smiled at my mum, and she looked slightly less concerned.
“Yeah, there’s nothing to worry about,” Jessica joined in.
Then, the conversation had turned back to excited chatter about our plans in Spain, and it wasn’t brought up again.
I forced myself out of the memory, and focused on looking for Jessica, running up and down the beach in frenzy. Eventually, I got back to where Adam was now sitting on our beach towels, facing towards the road rather than looking at his magazine.
“Adam, I think I’m going to go back to the apartment and see if she’s there, maybe you’re right.” I began to say, but Adam cut me off, pointing to an ambulance parked on the road.
People were swarmed around it, but through the crowd I could see a blonde haired girl with a pink dress being lifted into the ambulance, her body limp and still.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello, thehotinspsychotic here to review!
I'm going to start off with the smaller errors/critique!
"The calm lapping sound of the sea.... the salty breeze and warmth from the sand calming me, my eyes closed, tiredness overwhelming me."
Even if they were used in a different form, the two uses of the word calm in the first paragraph stuck out to me.
“What’s the rush, Chloe?” My friend Adam asked, as he stretched out and yawned.
'My' shouldn't be capitalized in that sentence; it isn't a pronoun.
"I replied breathlessly, as I pulled shorts and a top over my bikini."
There shouldn't be a comma before as, ever.
“Oh, she probably just went back to the apartment; don’t worry about it,” Adam continued to flick through his magazine, adding, “You know she burns easily, so she probably just decided to go back and get…”
There should be a period after 'about it' because there is no tagline after, but an entirely new sentence.
"As I searched for her, I saw lots of girls who I thought were her, but definitely weren’t. By now, worry had turned into complete fear; this was the first day of our HOLIDAY IN Spain so she could easily be lost, with her phone out of charge."
The comma usage was really strange after the semicolon. I would recommend the following: "... holiday in Spain, so she could easily be lost with her phone out of charge."
Also, I'm not sure if this is a regional/national difference, but I have never ever heard the phrase 'out of charge', and it just struck me as odd and not proper.
“I read an article online that said there have been lots of kidnappings of young women abroad,” my mother was telling the other parents anxiously, “they take advantage of the naïve tourists, you can’t trust anyone you know, Chloe.”
You're using the tagline correctly here; since 'my mother...' goes in the middle, you didn't capitalize 'they' after. I just wouldn't recommend using that form of tagline there. I suggest: "...young women abroad," my mother was telling the other parents anxiously. "They take advantage..."
I also noticed you used the word anxiously twice. I recommend you find a synonym of that word.
Nitpicks aside, this was an easy read! It had a nice ending, too. Keep it up!
Thank you for the feedback, I've gone back over it and made some changes
Ooh - scary end to the chapter! I really like the way you write and how you include lots of details of the smells, taste and touch. I would just say, like PerksOfBeingAReader, you need to add a few more commas here and there - that doesn't mean like go crazy, just put them where needed. Best to put them to connect a sentence so you won't need a comma when you use a connective.
e.g. "Adam smiled at my mum, and she looked slightly less worried."
You don't need the comma before the and, as they are both doing the same thing - connecting a sentence.
But other than that, I would say a good start to a story! Really intrigued to find out what happens next to Jessica!
Thank you, I'll think about my use of commas
This is a very interesting start to a book! I have to say you are getting me very worried for Jessica! I really like how you write, with a good vocabulary and transitions. I only saw a few mistakes, like how "ice creams" should be "ice cream." You do need a few more commas, but there are not really any huge mistakes that really distract the readers. I like the way you started the story, and how you introduced the characters. Thanks for not talking about their eye and hair colors right away. I'm glad that Chloe, Adam, and Jessica sound like normal people, not totally stereotypical teenagers (I'm pretty a sure that's their age.) I can't wait for the next chapter!!!! Thanks for writing this, and have a great day!
Love,
Perks
Thanks so much, I'll take that on board! I will definitely write the next chapter as soon as possible
You're welcome! Woo hoo! Oh, and take a little while for the next chapter, because I'd feel really guilty for having you use 500 points for my selfish desire!
Hahaha it will probably take me ages anyway, so that's alright hehe:)
Hehehe yeah I have been tiptoeing about putting the short story I wrote!