In these crammed rooms and corridors,
Filled with oceans of pretty faces and empty spaces,
Seas and seas of defaced locker doors.
People with their blown out fuses,
Wandering around like mindless zombies,
Optimist minds chasing their improbable fantasies.
You hear talks of ogles and glances,
Invitations to 5 second dances,
They dance their dances and sing their ballads,
Only to end it by texts that read “We’re done..it’s over..GFYS”.
Sanctuary for some and shithole for others,
Bands of brothers in pleasure and intoxication,
Breeding grounds for stoners and junkies,
Finding in weed; simplification.
Bathroom floors covered with cigarette butts,
These troubled people finding solace in combustion,
Exhaling their troubles away with the stroke of a match
Talking about dreams of fame and riches,
While smoking away to unlatch and detach
detach from their troubles and worries,
freeing themselves from their shackles and binds,
These hollow halls, home to burnt out eyes and dumbed down minds.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,013 Literary Works • 672,397 Reviews
Hey, yo, aliasofanaddict! Strangelove here on PokeReview Day and I have a review for you!
Alright, I'm not sure what to think of this poem. I do enjoy the simpleness of the rhyme scheme. You don't do too much detail (only in the beginning) and the subject is fairly good.
What's good about it?
Your vocabulary isn't over the top. You also keep that part simple. The poem is well pieced together and moves well. There is no problem with punctuation and it's solid! That's great. I found no problems with that.
Now, one of the biggest problems is how you start off. You kick off the poem with this "ocean" analysis, but you ultimately drop it. I can understand why, but that part didn't deliver. Your transition into the actual subject is weird, because it dips into that part. It just happens suddenly. I would prefer a smoother approach. Also, this is quite interesting of how you criticize the people in this breeding ground. You straight out hate them. The narrator is close minded and acted like they were scum. That isn't a good narrator, to be honest. I make narrators like that on purpose for holes, now this was just mean.
Overall, good job
Strangelove gives you...
7.3/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TeamPlasmaStruck
lol i do not hate stoners and junkies
to be honest this poem itself was written under the influence of pot ( the hypocrisy ..i know 
)..i just wrote the general gist of what i see in my school...as for your opinion ...i agree, you're right the poem is a bit broken down...i did a re write just didnt get time to update it also this is part 1 of a 3 part poem...thanks
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
The comma slows down the reading there. You have these two lines flowing together in thought and spirit, but the comma is a divide that makes the reader pause for a moment, and breaks up the thought.
Those first two lines are really good, but then the flow rolls into that last line with the comma, linking them together in a jumble. Commas are pauses, yes, but they're also links. They only divide by creating mental space.
The 'finding' would be better as "find," because it's a more active description, and gives the sentence a verb. It just shores up an already strong idea.
You have a bit of a thought pause between these two lines, but no comma. That jostled the reading a little bit, so I'd advise adding one.
Ibid. Especially considering that you repeat the same word at the end of the first and beginning of the second. Otherwise it feels like you accidentally added it twice.
Your poem is solid and vivid. I could point out all the concise comparisons and why they fit, but that defeats the purpose of the poem. (Translation: you did a really good job, and I don't want to repeat the entire poem here.)
Hope this helps!
thanks...you're review really helped ... i see your point, when i read it myself i do find it a bit aesthetically unappealing
You wrote this really well, actually.
Seriously though. You've taken everyday school problems and made them poetic and theatrical. I think a lot of things that go on around classes are overlooked and /under/exaggerated. In this poem it's just like... BAM! This is what goes on!
I find this part a little repetitive. The second line is really good, so it'd be the first line that I would personally change. Though I'm not sure what it could become; parties, perhaps?
Just correct the hallS.
Great poem!!
thanks