Chapter 1
Splitter splatter.
That was the sound of the many raindrops splashing against the car window as the windshield wipers screeched, wiping away the endless rain. Nearing the exit, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach beginning to flutter.
When I pulled up to the four bedroom three bathroom house, I could hear the wet gravel crunch underneath the car’s tires. The house was in a wonderful neighborhood. When I put the car in park, I let out a breathe of relief hoping that this new life style would work out. The thought of living with your brother-in-law, your sister, and niece was not only breathtaking but also a little frightening.
As my sister, Ashley and her husband, Brenton pulled up next me, I finally decided to get out of my car to stretch my legs. As I unfastened my seatbelt, I heard the clink of the seat belt hit the side of the door as it disappeared into the side of the car.
I couldn’t bear to think of what it would all be like after my new life was about to begin. Pretty soon I would be continuing to complete online classes to further my chances of becoming something important in the world. Everyday I would be helping them raise my five and a half year old niece. Waking her up, getting her ready, making her breakfast, and then letting her begin her childhood as I dropped her off at kindergarten. Her mother, my sister, would be busy away in college learning all about bakery and pastry arts.
Somehow, when I talked to my sister about going to college in Twin Falls, I convinced her to take college classes as well. For the longest time, she had been obsessed with cooking shows. While looking through the programs at CSI, I discovered they had a program for bakery and pastry arts. If my sister went to college she could open her own bakery. This was the reason she needed me to start college online.
When we walked near the house, you could her the gutters along the rooftop rush with water. The door of the house was freshly painted white; reflecting the sun that had peeked its way around the rain clouds. Once I walked into the house, I could still smell the fresh paint. The wood floors had recently been polished, leaving the house with the lingering smell of pine sol.
Brenley, of course, being herself grabbed my hand demanding me to be shown to her room. Her room had a big window, hovering over the backyard. You could see many trees and several neighbors near by. Brenley was so excited; she spun around in a circle, letting her long beautiful curly hair flow through the air. The fact that she was so carefree amazed me. She had nothing to worry about. The only thing she had to do was be happy and healthy.
Once the house finally together and the movers had all left, my mom and dad had pulled up outside. They had come to see the house and help me figure out my online college classes. When they came inside, they were surprised. They couldn’t believe how beautiful it was. The shiny oak wood floors, the kitchen cabinets were stained darker than the original color with clear glass plains, and the marble counter tops that still look brand new. That was only the kitchen.
Once we gave them a tour around the house, we were all exhausted from the long drive. We all decided that it was time to settle down in our new rooms and go to bed. The next day would be a new beginning for everyone.
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hello there! Unknown391625 here with a review!
So, thanks for reviewing my poem, and as you requested for me to read this chapter, and I love it! I wish I had the talent of writing a story like this. I have not even wrote a real chapter or short story like this! Though, only one small nitpick. In your sixth paragraph, when you wrote Pine Sol for the last words, I would have capitalized it with terminology like that. So, that is all my nitpicks basically. If you want help with writing poetry, PM me. I will be obliged to help! Otherwise, great job! I will definitely read more of these chapters! Don't give up and always write, alexlynn4u!
-Unknown391625
Thanks! That means a lot! I will be sure to PM you sometime! I would love to learn how to write poetry! If you need any help writing a short story or chapter, I would be more than happy to help as well.
Alex <3
Hey there. This'll be a short review.
I see you've already received some compliments, and I do agree with them. It's a good start to the novel and I find the amount of description just right. This is particularly interesting because as you said below, this is how you envision yourself in the future when you become a college student. It'll be nice to see whatever else ideas you have in mind.
That said, there are still some stuff I want to point your attention to. I hope you won't mind that I'll list them down below.
I feel as if you're lacking a word here. Possibly a "them" in between the words in blue.
I don't think that elaborating your sister as your niece's mother is necessary, considering the sentence I've quoted above and the fact you've stated that you're living in with them.
Careful now! You said "we", so this is in first person. You shifted to second person in the latter half when you said "you". My suggestion here is that you use "we" again.
I think that's about it. Good luck, Alex, and keep writing.
Thanks! I will be sure to fix those as soon as possible!
Hello Jack here for a review
So to start of I really loved your beginning, I think it was sweet, and was empty of errors. It was very well written.
There was though a lot of grammar problems through this story, but with a bit of work can easily be fixed, so not to worry
As my sister, Ashley and her husband, Brenton pulled up next me, I finally decided to get out of my car to stretch my legs.
I think there is a semi colon needed before finally, would just break up the story a bit.
I had been dreaming for this day since the night Brenton had invited me to come live with
You didn't end this sentence, which is a very silly but easy mistake to fix. Also you should explain why her/ his brother in law invited him to live with his family, would really help to take the story along.
As I unfastened my seatbelt, I heard the clink of the seat belt hit the side of the door as it disappeared into the side of the car. them.
At the end of the paragraph the word them, really doesn't make sense, and I don't get why it is there, I suggest you enlighten the readers on why it is there, and also sentence usually need to be more then one word.
After that though, the grammar as far as I can see is really going well, it is well written, and full of insightful information.
I like were this story is going, but it feels a bit short cut, it ends with a lot of questions, and it isn't really a cliff hanger more just leaving to many open holes to fill. There though is a lot of potential with this story, which is very good, and I would like to read more, though next time you need to add some drama or action or anything like that which would make this read very enjoyable.
I like your characters, but they are lacking description, though you can add that later on in the story. I like your names I just have to say. But anyway this was well written, and with a bit of work, you can really improve your writing. Its a thumbs up from me!! and remember to always keep reading and writing!
Have a good day!!
Jack
Jack,
For some odd reason, when I copied this from my word document, it mixed my words around so they got misplaced.
Thanks for catching my errors. I will be sure to fix them!
BTW Thanks for being such a great friend! Also this story is about me. The people in my story are my family. This story is about me going to college one day living my sister and her husband.
This story is not yet finished; I am still writing trust me lol.
Wow this is just amazing, simply amazing. You fully described the entire situation until I could feel as if I was in that four bedroom three bathroom house. You said everything needed, not leaving one bit of information out. My word, if you continue to write like this, trust me, you ought to be an author soon. A really famous one. One that can shine, brighter than the brightest shooting star in the entire universe.
The only mistake I spotted is this part:
Nearing the exit, I could feel the butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter.
Change the begin to beginning. That means you can feel it actually rating to move. And what do you mean by BUTTERFLIES IN YOUR STOMACH? ( sorry if it was a metaphor to show something )
Other than that, I think your story is tremendously great.
You have described enough.
You have properly elaborated your ideas properly in paragraphs.
You have expressed almost everything to the very bottom.
You have made me imagine the whole story easily.
You are awesome.
Now I'm beginning to wish I could write like you. Haha.
Nice story though. Again, keep up the good work and you ought to be an author some day...
Jack,
For some odd reason, when I copied this from my word document, it mixed my words around so they got misplaced.
Thanks for catching my errors. I will be sure to fix them!
BTW Thanks for being such a great friend! Also this story is about me. The people in my story are my family. This story is about me going to college one day living my sister and her husband.
This story is not yet finished; I am still writing trust me lol.
Alex <3
Sorry Tay01 I wrote the reply to the wrong person..
Anyways thank you so much! I am glad you liked it! You have encouraged me to continue to write with this piece! If you didn't already know, this is me writing about my future. I someday hope to live in twin falls in a four bedroom house with my sister, my niece and her husband.
Oh and butterflies in my stomach. I am surprised you have never heard that. It is kind of a figure of speech.
I do hope to be a writer some day!
Alex <3