She stopped caring about herself.
She stopped wanting to be cared about.
She was a broken light amongst a field of
Lamps.
She wasn't special nor unique.
She was just another girl, a girl who needed someone.
She wanted someone to feel her brokenness.
She wanted someone to tell her she,
was more than just a star in the galaxy.
She was THE star.
Then she took a breath and decided she wanted nothing but to be invisible.
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140,745 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hello! This was a great poem, but like magpie said you did skip around a lot.
I see where you are trying to take the poem, but maybe you could use transition words.
As a reader I kinda was confused at certain parts, and you don't want that.
And you use your literary elements a lot during the poem, but maybe you could add imagery in your poem.
Or even allegory
But yeah other than that your poem was great
Keep writing!!!!!
Thank you
Hello there! Welcome to YWS!
While I don't understand why you have "Lamps" on its own line, you do have the beginning of an image here. The other image you have is about stars. Both give light, yes? So make this poem about the girl and about light.Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
On the first read through, I was confused. You jumped from her needing someone to tell her that she was important to her not wanting to be important so fast that I thought she was told that she was important, and then just went, "NOOO I HATE YOU" and then disappeared. But I saw on the second read through that the meaning of the poem was that since no one told her she was important, she decided to disappear. At least this is what I got from it, and it's a much more powerful message than the other, so I'll stick with that one.
Your repetition of "She [verb-ed]" is not working. Try varying the beginnings of your lines. Otherwise, the poem becomes tedious and quite boring very quickly.
Poetry is about showing and not telling much more than other mediums. Here, you tell a lot. Lines 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 10 all are telling lines, not showing lines. That's more than half of your poem. The way we can show and not tell is by adding imagery and comparing things to other things that are like each other in different ways. You have a few images here that you can base your whole poem off of. Simile and metaphor should play a big role in your poem, and an easy way to do that is to base your poem off of one or two images and go from there.
I might write it like this:
"She is a guttering star,
removing herself from the system,
the lamp, she knows, for no one.
But her coldness raises the sea
and one lost sailor, the direction,
the path to land;
but out goes the guttering light,
the sailor lost for good."
That still gets your point across, but it shows us, rather than tells us what is going on. Now by all means, find your own way to do it-- don't take what I just showed you as what you must do. Find your own imagery and implement it. I know you can do it.
I hope this review proves useful to you! I hope to see you around YWS some more! Happy writing!
Thank you
This was a good poem.
I thought your spelling a grammar were good, also was your punctuation. I didn't notice any major mistakes.
Nitpicks.
Number 1.
I am not sure if I am correct on this, but I don't think every line needs to be capitalized.
Just saying.
I saw more nitpicks, but after I read the other reviews, she pointed them out for you, so I wont be doing other nitpicks today.
This poem was really good. I really liked it. I loved how dramatic it was, but on the other hand it was really poetic. I like dramatic poems. I hope you keep up the good writing.
Love,
Dogsrule5
Thank you for spending the time to review this! I appreciate your comments, they are highly appreciated! I hope you enjoyed it.
Thank you.
I Overall like this, but I do have a few nitpicks. First of all,
"She was a broken light amongst a field of
lamps" First lamps needs to be capitalized because its in its own line. Otherwise, pull it back so it's in the previous one. Also,
"She wanted someone to tell her she was more than just a star in the galaxy" this line feels to long for me. Perhaps it would be better as,
"She wanted someone to tell her she,
Was more then just a star in the galaxy"
But, if you went through this carefully, I'm sure you could fix the mistakes quickly. So, all in all, this is a great poem. Keep up the good work!
Thank you for your review! I defiantly see a lot of mess ups in the poem now that you've mentioned it. Thank you for reading I hope you liked it!
Yes I did like it. It is very good.