‘Foolish pleasure’, fitting name if you ask me. Hardly rude,
I sat there, next to an old rich man shouting ‘Game on dude!’
People put money on horses, they were ‘Seeking The Gold’
“Smile more, enjoy this! Relax” I was told.
‘Red Rum, Red Rum, RED RUM’ the men chant,
Should I tell them the meaning? No, I shouldn’t! I wouldn’t! I cant.
But murder spelled backwards, clever I thought.
“Sing along darling, make it fun” I was taught.
‘Shergar’ ran behind ‘Red Rum’, then overtook
Then he disappeared, the crowd couldn’t look.
The most purebred horse, loved by everyone.
Took for ransom, found dead. ‘Red Rum’.
The innocent sport, addictive at best.
Stupid names, ‘Seabiscuit’ ‘Storm Cat’ and the rest.
Daylight robbery, three or four thieves sitting at the stall.
Taking the money from young and old, of those short and tall.
“Darling have fun!” I was told by the men at the race.
It was cold, it was wet. Not a smile on my face.
The deaths, the addiction, the loss of the money
‘Foolish pleasure’ I giggled, God this is funny.
I LOVE THIS. I really liked this poem I especially enjoyed the way you included the repetition of "darling have fun" to really emphasize your lack of interest and how urgently they wanted you to enjoy it. Also liked the way you mentioned the names of the horses. Super cool!
HELLO THERE AND A BELATED WELCOME TO YWS
i'm glad you decided to share your work with us here, and hopefully i can help you out a bit with a review
what i'm going to start by saying is that if your goal is to write something that is meant to read like lyrics, then the flow is extremely important. it is one of those things that will keep the reader invested while they go through each line. what unfortunately happens here, a few times, is that the lines seems to shift away from a pattern and move into prose territory by the way they are written. this is usually a sign that you are trying to fit too many thoughts into a single sentence, rather than flesh it out for the sake of flow.
take these lines for example:
Stupid names, ‘Seabiscuit’ ‘Storm Cat’ and the rest.
Taking the money from young and old, of those short and tall.
three or four thieves sitting at the stall.
Hello alexandriaedwards,
Just here for a quick review. Overall, I liked the beat of the lines. I honestly thought it would like thoughts written down on paper without any real meaning, but you surprised me with this lovely rhythm, so good job on that! But you did lose the rhyme scheme half way through!
The most purebred horse, loved by everyone.
Took for ransom, found dead. ‘Red Rum’.
I cannot put into words how much I love this poem. There's not a single thing I would change if I could, and I could read it over and over again and never get bored.
The lines:
‘Red Rum, Red Rum, RED RUM’ the men chant,
Should I tell them the meaning? No, I shouldn’t! I wouldn’t! I cant.
But murder spelled backwards, clever I thought.
“Sing along darling, make it fun” I was taught.
It was cold, it was wet. Not a smile on my face.
The deaths, the addiction, the loss of the money
‘Foolish pleasure’ I giggled, God this is funny.
Hiyo! its Hailey! this was Amazing.
I thought that this part
‘Red Rum, Red Rum, RED RUM’ the men chant,
Should I tell them the meaning? No, I shouldn’t! I wouldn’t! I cant.
But murder spelled backwards, clever I thought.'
Was nice.. Its clever and funny in a way... (of course I have a horrible sense of humor so..)
I love that its so well put together.
I think that It was really inspiring to see someone get those Foolish pleasures out to the world. So ye it was really good.
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