‘Foolish pleasure’, fitting name if you ask me. Hardly rude,
I sat there, next to an old rich man shouting ‘Game on dude!’
People put money on horses, they were ‘Seeking The Gold’
“Smile more, enjoy this! Relax” I was told.
‘Red Rum, Red Rum, RED RUM’ the men chant,
Should I tell them the meaning? No, I shouldn’t! I wouldn’t! I cant.
But murder spelled backwards, clever I thought.
“Sing along darling, make it fun” I was taught.
‘Shergar’ ran behind ‘Red Rum’, then overtook
Then he disappeared, the crowd couldn’t look.
The most purebred horse, loved by everyone.
Took for ransom, found dead. ‘Red Rum’.
The innocent sport, addictive at best.
Stupid names, ‘Seabiscuit’ ‘Storm Cat’ and the rest.
Daylight robbery, three or four thieves sitting at the stall.
Taking the money from young and old, of those short and tall.
“Darling have fun!” I was told by the men at the race.
It was cold, it was wet. Not a smile on my face.
The deaths, the addiction, the loss of the money
‘Foolish pleasure’ I giggled, God this is funny.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I LOVE THIS. I really liked this poem I especially enjoyed the way you included the repetition of "darling have fun" to really emphasize your lack of interest and how urgently they wanted you to enjoy it. Also liked the way you mentioned the names of the horses. Super cool!
HELLO THERE AND A BELATED WELCOME TO YWS
i'm glad you decided to share your work with us here, and hopefully i can help you out a bit with a review
what i'm going to start by saying is that if your goal is to write something that is meant to read like lyrics, then the flow is extremely important. it is one of those things that will keep the reader invested while they go through each line. what unfortunately happens here, a few times, is that the lines seems to shift away from a pattern and move into prose territory by the way they are written. this is usually a sign that you are trying to fit too many thoughts into a single sentence, rather than flesh it out for the sake of flow.
take these lines for example:
this line here practically rolls off the tongue. it's very well done and it has a bounce to it that keeps the reader going.
this line here, in contrast, is a bit jarring, and throws the reader off the groove. by the looks of it, you wanted to say more but didn't know how to condense it without it losing its meaning. i don't fault you for this, it's one of the hardest things to do when it comes to writing lyrics. all i can tell you is practice makes perfect. try saying it out loud as you are writing to see how easily it flows off the tongue if you are unsure.
as for other parts of the poem, you deploy some crafty techniques that are impressive:
the use of consonance here in two separate ways is well done. sprinkle a little more of this to flare up the rest of the poem if you want to show off what you can do.
other than that, this was an enjoyable read.
again, welcome to the site, and i hope to read more from you soon!
Hello alexandriaedwards,
Just here for a quick review. Overall, I liked the beat of the lines. I honestly thought it would like thoughts written down on paper without any real meaning, but you surprised me with this lovely rhythm, so good job on that! But you did lose the rhyme scheme half way through!
Though it Rum and everyone do rhyme, when you are reading it. Your mind says "Red Rum" as if it's one word, so it doesn't sound very nice in your head. That was the only "jump" in the rhyming scheme. Good job though with the rest of it! It was very clever, I liked it a lot.
I hope this short review was helpful. Keep on writing and have a great rest of your day!
- Stellarjay
I cannot put into words how much I love this poem. There's not a single thing I would change if I could, and I could read it over and over again and never get bored.
The lines:
I love this part. I love it so much. Its a miasma of different tones: eerie, honest, and darkly humorous. I don't know how you convey so much into so little, but am I jealous of your talent.
Again, these lines:
I love, love, love these lines. Wow. The honesty of society portrayed in just one scene and in one perspective... You accomplished it beautifully. And I love this contrast you show with the narrator's perspective going from 'not a smile on my face' to 'God this is funny'. You lighten the seriousness of such a dark topic so it can be read with pleasure while still managing to convey your full meaning. You also manage to show humor while contrasting it with things that aren't typically humorous.
Despite all of these contrasting moods, I never once felt like I was going through emotional whiplash. Everything was seamless, fitting beautifully and showing so much complexity in such a short poem. I commend you. You are a wonderful writer.
Thank you for gracing me to read this.
Mordax
Thank you so much Mordax!
I appreciate this so much
Hiyo! its Hailey! this was Amazing.
I thought that this part
‘Red Rum, Red Rum, RED RUM’ the men chant,
Should I tell them the meaning? No, I shouldn’t! I wouldn’t! I cant.
But murder spelled backwards, clever I thought.'
Was nice.. Its clever and funny in a way... (of course I have a horrible sense of humor so..)
I love that its so well put together.
I think that It was really inspiring to see someone get those Foolish pleasures out to the world. So ye it was really good.
Hi Hailey, thank you so much!!!! It means so much.