She's so little.
So terribly and unmistakably alive.
She wears ten fingers, ten toes, and two clear blue-gray eyes.
Oh, how blissfully ignorant she is!
She's never known pain or suffering.
She doesn't understand race,
or politics,
or religion,
or death.
I brush a chocolate curl from her forehead.
Someday she'll understand.
Soon she'll make words.
She'll walk.
She'll discover ice cream,
trees,
blue jeans,
and Ramen noodles.
Maybe she'll be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher.
Maybe she'll love someone named Adam or Michael,
or even Sarah or Kathleen.
She might be a mother someday.
Maybe she'll hold her daughter in her arms and wonder all these things too...
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey there!
Hadj here to review your poem! (GO TEAM BLACK!)
Criticism
I think some of your lines were a bit too long, and it caused an awkward imbalance as many of the lines were only one or two words.
I would break up
"She wears ten fingers, ten toes, and two clear blue-gray eyes."
Into
"She wears ten fingers,
ten toes,
and two clear blue-grey eyes"
To help the flow of your poem keep consistent.
I also would've liked some rhyme scheme, but that's completely optional.
In all, I have very little negative comments about this piece.
Praise
Amazing work. You capture the mystery of life and the awesomeness of babies becoming people. This is a well written, powerful poem!
I love how you finish with
"Maybe she'll hold her daughter in her arms and wonder all these things too..."
Great work, and keep on writing!
Hadj
This is very powerful in a way that it's hard to put my finger on. I love your description on everything and how you mention all of the different awful things in the world like race and politics so lightly. My favorite line is the last one where it basically gives the poem opportunity to repeat itself. Like I said before, I love the description "chocolate curl from her forehead". I really have no critiques about this poem. It's wonderful.
I really liked this.. a lot. It all kind of blends and flows.
The length is just right for me, personally, but the ending left a little to be desired.
4 out of 5 stars; it really made me think about the future.
I like the way you described her in the beginning where you said
"She wears ten fingers, ten toes, and two clear blue-gray eyes."
As if she was just borrowing them for the time being.
I'm looking forward to more of your work!
I know i'm jumping around quite a bit, but my mind is going all over the place with this piece.
Last thing.. I'd buy this if it was on paper.
I love it!!!!!!!! Its so sweet and wonderful. As a young teen, I always wonder what I will become in life, Especially if its about babies. I ask myself, Do I want to be a mother?Is it worth the trouble and hard work? Heck ya!! anyways, back to the poem.Very epic. "Maybe she'll love someone named Adam or Michael, Or even Sarah or Kathleen." How brave of you! many people say being gay or lesbeion is wrong but who are we to judge its their choice and theres nothing wrong with being yourself! That was such a brave move! I give this poem a 1000 out of 10! Lol that's how good it is. Anyway, Keep writing And keep being Brave!!!!!!!! corgisrock22
Hello, Chips here with a review.
I found that this poem seemed to be quite a personal one, I can see the thought you put into writing it. This is a bit relate-able to most people as these questions/thoughts are what they'd think about for the future. It created a connection with the reader, so good job on that.
There is always room for improvement so I do have some suggestions and nitpicks for you.
I thought at some points, the formatting of the poem would have read better had it been split up into stanzas to break things up.
"She wears ten fingers, ten toes, and two clear blue-gray eyes."
I thought this could have had a description which is more interesting and different, this was more like the standard description of your average person, it fits many characters, so use more vivid adjectives to make it stand out.
"She's never known pain or suffering.
She doesn't understand race,
or politics,
or religion,
or death."
Here, I thought you could also add in a way that fits, that she will eventually understand these things are they're unavoidable in life as oppose to things like "ice-cream, Ramen noodles, trees, blue jeans etc..." Which don't necessarily impact your life that much apart from trees of course.
"Maybe she'll be a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher.
Maybe she'll love someone named Adam or Michael,
or even Sarah or Kathleen."
I feel like I've seen all these lines before, but the last one here implying she might be gay was pretty different.
"She might be a mother someday.
Maybe she'll hold her daughter in her arms and wonder all these things too..."
I liked this ending as it was cute, but I thought it could have had a more powerful ending which leaves the reader still connected to it, something unforgettable.
Overall good job on this. I hope this review helped. Keep writing!
--Chips