Rhyming is absolutely fine, but as soon as you notice it becoming forced, scrap it. It will only hinder the poem overall and bring it down to a level that's really a lot lower than it actually is. It was nice, but try not to slip into cliches.
Beauty is seen on hearts of red
You are my queen of hearts as said.
My dear princess, I am your slave.
For king as I, bow till my grave.
An ace of spade, a club of black
I vow to thee, no jack would lack.
Thou are my diamond, crystal clear.
No matter how far I'll always be near.
Accept this Gambler's love with a kiss,
Your beauty more stunning than paralysis!
We are the finest kind and perfect pair.
With our solid love, no rougish devil shall dare!
Rhyming is absolutely fine, but as soon as you notice it becoming forced, scrap it. It will only hinder the poem overall and bring it down to a level that's really a lot lower than it actually is. It was nice, but try not to slip into cliches.
Your metre is off in certain places.
While I like the idea of love compared to poker, it didn't strike me as anything too profound in this. Mostly because you lacked profundity. Everything was a very mundane "our love is strong / it will last long / we've made no wrong / what's your 401K?" Okay, maybe not, but it was still very run-of-the-mill love poem.
Poetry has been defined as an exercise of genius within a fixed form. I see no need to inhibit my genius, or anyone's, for that matter, and my ultimate suggestion is to try to break away from the rhyme scheme and, instead of focusing on iambic pantameter, creating lasting, emotional images for your reader.
120,147 Literary Works • 648,811 Reviews
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