Published March 24, 2013
Henry stood there with her arms crossed over her chest, feeling extremely nervous.
“Jay, why are you saying these things? The director knows what he’s talking about.” Henry said. Jay grabbed Henry’s shoulders, his eyes dancing with a manic spark.
“Because I finally can Henry! Richard opened my eyes, the things he said made sense. Why shouldn’t we be allowed to use our magic?”
“No!” Henry screamed, tearing away from Jay’s grip and holding her hands over her ears. “Stop saying this. Magic is wrong, its inhuman, its unnatural!” Jay gently placed his hands over Henry’s hands. Henry kept on looking ahead, slowly shaking her head.
“Unnatural? Are you saying we’re unnatural? How can it be unnatural, or inhuman, if we ourselves are gifted with it Henry?” He let go and gestured to the sky. “Is the sky unnatural because it has clouds in it? Is the forest unnatural because it has tree’s in it? No, you know why? Because they’re supposed to have it, because that’s what they’re meant to have. Henry, a whole new age is starting, one that Richard himself showed me.”
“Richard isn’t God Jay! Yet you’re acting like he hung the moon in the sky!” Yelled Henry. Jay looked startled and taken aback.
“H-henry, I thought you would understand this.” Jay said
“No, don’t start going all like that on me, okay? The Director is a father to me and I can’t just shake him off like that. He’s said time and time again how wrong magic is and-“
“Ugghh, there you go again with the wrongness of magic! Tell me if magic is so unnatural and wrong why did God give it to us? Just because the Director doesn’t have magic we shouldn’t use it? Just because more than half the worlds population can’t use magic we shouldn’t? That’s like saying our hands our wrong and we should refrain from using them. But our hands are a part of us and we use them for almost everything.”
“But we don’t use our magic for everything Jay! We can live life without it, we can survive just fine.”
“ No Henry we can’t. A man without one of his hands can still live life but he will forever want to reach for something with his right hand and go to realize it’s not there. Just because that one man doesn’t have a hand, is the rest of the world supposed to cut off our hands to match him? No, we are to fully utilize the full potential of our other hand and yes maybe pity the man who doesn’t have a hand, but not bring ourselves down to his level.”
“Listen to yourself talk Jay. Talking about forests and severed hands. You’re not making sense. You’ve lived your whole life without magic. Why start now?” She lowered her voice to a whisper, “Why?”
Jay said “ Not my whole life Henry.”
“Oh right I forgot the life you had with your mother who gave you up because you had magic. The mother who abandoned you.” Henry saw Jay flinch at those words but she didn’t care.
“I don’t believe she abandoned me Henry.”
“Oh so she just left you all alone by accident, did she?”
“No, I think the director lied to us. I think he stole us from our mothers.”
“Stop Jay! Stop with all these conspiracies and crazy metaphors. Richard is a madman who isn’t right in the head. Don’t go with him all alone Jay, don’t.” Henry said, a note of desperation entering her voice. Jay looked at her with those steady blue eyes.
“I was hoping I wouldn’t have to.” Jay held out his hand to Henry, his fingers curling invitingly. Henry stared down at the hand her eyes filling with tears.
“No.” she whispered, hating herself for what she was saying, “I won’t.” Jays eyes widened and he gasped. He dropped his hand and clenched into a fist, his eyes hardening.
“Fine, don’t come.” He said taking a step back. “But you know what this means. The next time we see each other we’ll be enemies.” He turned around and walked toward the road leading off into the hills.
“Jay, don’t go.” Henry whispered.
“Goodbye Henry.” Jay called over his shoulder. Henry watched him walk toward the hills and saw the air shimmer as he disappeared. She felt her legs give out from underneath her as she sank to the grass. Tears started welling up in her eyes, and a sob broke it’s way free from her chest. Then, as if a switch was pulled, she started crying her eyes out, as sob after sob wracked her body.
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140,483 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Okay Alana,here I am to review. First of all.......so much dialogue!! This makes a review a bit tricky...
You said that you just wrote this for pretty much no reason and you wanted to know where to take it......well,I think it's a good story of a brother and sister who were raised separately because of a mother who abandoned one of them.(This is just what I think).
They were united again and it turns out they have magic powers.....they never really used
them before and Henry thinks it's wrong while Jay thinks it's perfectly natural.
I'm not fully sure where you should take it but for now I think it is fine.
I really like how fast it moves..It makes it a tiny bit confusing but it is also very powerful.
I think if you add some descriptions in there somewhere It would help;maybe one of them could flash back to when they met or they could at least be noticing changes in each others character as they talk.This would help with braking up the dialogue.
Otherwise,this is really good and has much potential,you just have to keep working at it. Skyexxx
Thank you for your review! But I do have a little bit of a background story on Jay and Henry. They are two kids who grew up in this institute and quickly grew to be best friends. In this institute there are only magic users and they are all children. They are however instructed over and over again how wrong magic is and to not use it. Ever. If any of the kids were caught using magic, they were met with supreme discipline. However one day Richard comes and convinces Jay to slip away in the night when the institute is asleep and Richard shows and teaches him that magic is not bad. The director hears that Richard is trying to convince kids to use magic. The director and Richard have a background together, that I'm not really sure of. I am thinking of making them friends that became enemies, perhaps because the Director was jealous of Richards powers. Anywho all the kids are warned about Richard and they all choose to stay away, but not jay. He keeps on meeting with him in secret until he decides to leave the institue and hopefully bring his best friend with him. However she refuses and it breaks his heart. He knows that Richard is strongly against The Director and the institute, and that Richard is planning a war. A war that will pit the two of them against each other. So Jay walks away from Henry. The only problem is I don't really know where to go from here. :/ You don't have to reply to this if you don't want to. i just wanted to let you know. ^-^
Oh! This makes sense!! It's a really good story line!!
Hey there! Well, this is interesting, but it definitely has some work that needs to be done.
First and foremost, this is a LOT of dialogue; while that isn't necessarily a bad thing, it is difficult to really begin a story this way because you don't have the time or place to start describing things - who they are, where they are, why this conversation came up. We don't have enough backstory for this to really be as emotionally-charged as it would otherwise be.
That being said, I think there's definitely potential. I wish I knew the characters so that I could care. So start slower, give us time, and find a way to gradually bring us into this world. This is particularly important when you're not working with realistic fiction, so make sure to emphasize the where's and when's and why's of the situation.
Other than that, just make sure to keep the pace steady and not to rush. This could be a really interesting plot if you just give it time to unfold.
Keep writing, and best wishes! xxx
Very interesting story. The writing is good. You need to describe the area better, though. Give the readers a good feel of what the area looks like, and how it might feel to be there. Also, when using quotations it is supposed to be like this,
“Jay, why are you saying these things? The director knows what he’s talking about,” Henry said.
Rather than this,
“Jay, why are you saying these things? The director knows what he’s talking about.” Henry said.
There is a comma before the end quotation mark if what follows is 'the character said.' If it is the end, then you would use a period. Of course, question marks and exclamation points can replace commas.
Otherwise it sounds pretty good. Nice.
This is a very intrigueing story!!!! I love it. I like the ending the best, personally, but the entire story is great! I love the magic and the dictator's background. This could easily be turned into a novel. You should create a follow-up, a sequel. This is awesome. I want to find out more about their community. Keep up the good work!
Hi, I'm Stupid and I'm gonna review your story
The first thing that strikes me after reading that was the dialogue. I, personally, suck at using dialogue and try to avoid it as much as I can, but you seem to have a knack for keeping it organic. It feels like natural speech for most of the story and it reads well. The only notable exception is this bit:
""Oh right I forgot the life you had with your mother who gave you up because you had magic. The mother who abandoned you." Henry saw Jay flinch at those words but she didn't care."
This bit kinda comes at the reader from nowhere and when you read it out loud it doesn't quite sound right. It links in with the other criticism I had, in that this kind of thing could've been introduced slightly better. The piece in general is good and very tense, but it lacks a clear exposition. The scene is set as it develops, making it hard for the reader to keep up. For example, I had to stop reading and backtrack so I could figure out whether the two characters were male or female. I know a male and female Jay, and only ever male Henrys, so it's important you find a way to make it clear to the reader who's who.
Now, I know this is a chapter of a novel, but I'm not sure if this is the first chapter or if we're someway into the book. I'm reading it as if it's the first chapter, so if it isn't, there may be no need for extra exposition. The stuff about the director was fine, we figure a bit about him at a good pace, but the two characters leap straight into dialogue before we ever know where they are. Just a little more description before the action begins is necessary in the name of pacing.
Despite this, this was a good piece of work. It needs a little more just to make it easier to dive into, but your control of dialogue is strong and your characters clearly have interesting depth and back-storys. I enjoyed reading it and found myself drawn in and caring, which is always a good sign.
So good work and keep at it, I'd like to see more of this
Thank you so much for your review, it really helps! And as for the lack of exposition, I had intended for this to be a scene sometime after all the characters were introduced and the story was set. But I will keep in mind to set the scene a little better next time, and thanks!
Hi there!
Your characters are great and I can tell that they're very close. I want to think that they're boyfriend and girlfriend, but I could be completely wrong.
Oh my goodness, there is a lot of tension in this. And I love it!
One thing I'd like to point out is that there is a lot of dialogue in this. There is almost no description. I don't know what your characters look like or where they are. Does this take place in a different world or are they in our world? Where does this take place? In a room? Outside? In a gym? Who exactly is this Director?
You've left me with so many questions that I want answered. Maybe you're saving these answers for later chapters, but I think there should be some background information in this chapter. The novel I am currently working on started out a lot like this, a lot of dialogue and little description and information. It took me a while to find the perfect balance, but after I found it everything flowed better.
Overall I see much potential in this. You have solid characters and a great opening chapter (prologue?). And your writing style is great too. I really enjoyed reading this!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi, I'm Stupid and I'm gonna review your story
The first thing that strikes me after reading that was the dialogue. I, personally, suck at using dialogue and try to avoid it as much as I can, but you seem to have a knack for keeping it organic. It feels like natural speech for most of the story and it reads well. The only notable exception is this bit:
"%u201COh right I forgot the life you had with your mother who gave you up because you had magic. The mother who abandoned you.%u201D Henry saw Jay flinch at those words but she didn%u2019t care."
This bit kinda comes at the reader from nowhere and when you read it out loud it doesn't quite sound right. It links in with the other criticism I had, in that this kind of thing could've been introduced slightly better. The piece in general is good and very tense, but it lacks a clear exposition. The scene is set as it develops, making it hard for the reader to keep up. For example, I had to stop reading and backtrack so I could figure out whether the two characters were male or female. I know a male and female Jay, and only ever male Henrys, so it's important you find a way to make it clear to the reader who's who.
Now, I know this is a chapter of a novel, but I'm not sure if this is the first chapter or if we're someway into the book. I'm reading it as if it's the first chapter, so if it isn't, there may be no need for extra exposition. The stuff about the director was fine, we figure a bit about him at a good pace, but the two characters leap straight into dialogue before we ever know where they are. Just a little more description before the action begins is necessary in the name of pacing.
Despite this, this was a good piece of work. It needs a little more just to make it easier to dive into, but your control of dialogue is strong and your characters clearly have interesting depth and back-storys. I enjoyed reading it and found myself drawn in and caring, which is always a good sign.
So good work and keep at it, I'd like to see more of this
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