I’m done.
No words will come,
No sounds will arise.
No more me to hate.
Me doesn’t work,
Me doesn’t fit the status quo.
I’m done trying.
What’s the point,
When there’s no pleasing the crowd?
Here comes the silence,
Here comes the stone cold look.
Here’s the me that people want.
Here’s the me, so done with life.
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140,644 Literary Works • 673,577 Reviews
Hello Remington38 here!!!
This is a very lonely piece and shows a lot of emotion but what's not lonely is being the one to feel this. This is very relatable to most people and if feel every word in this speaks the truth. How we all want to fit in and match the status quo. This was written very well and I love the way it flows. Welcome to YWS and I hope to see more written by you.
Hey, thought I'd take a look at this.
These are currently very simple statements and I'd love to see more details. When you say no more words will come, what does that really mean? Tell me as if I weren't a writer, make me understand the importance of having words and using them. Tell me how we use words to get out of bad situations or to ask for help and then add some imagery to it. Like, a more interesting way of saying it might be 'I have sent my last ship in a bottle' or string a few images together and tell a story. Like:I think rather than starting out with what is kind of the punch line of your poem, that should come at the end. You should describe to us first the emotions and things involved with being done and then it will be so much more powerful when that line comes in. What does it actually mean to be at that place, to have used up all your willpower holding on for so long that it's gone beyond the point of wanting to?
'I snapped my pen in half
and the ink made shapes,
indecisive like Rorschach butterflies
but easier to understand than me.'
I think what's missing from this poem is the why. There's some emotion behind the words and the language is very final, but it doesn't help the reader to understand how this speaker got to where they are. We don't know what went wrong to make them give up on life and that's the interesting part, their story. That's also what people can learn from, how to not hurt somebody else in the way the speaker of the poem has been hurt. Having the story will make the poem more relateable because even people who haven't made it to the edge recognise some of the signs or have gone part way there.
Thanks for sharing and best of luck with this!
~Heather
Hey, Lukas here for a review. This is a very lovely piece, but I feel like it would flow better if you wrote "No more OF me to hate," and surrounded the following two "me"s with single quotation marks. While I do enjoy this poem overall, I feel like "done with life" is a bit overused, as a phrase. I think more emotions would be conveyed if you were more detailed or descriptive. Anyways, loved it! Bye!