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140,635 Literary Works • 673,572 Reviews
ok.... the angles thing was taken care of.... the demon blood wolf thing too, about it being a mouthful......... i see no other spelling or grammatical mistakes.
The story is excellent. i just love the fact that you used characters that would generally be deemed as bad as the good guys, if any character can be deemed good.
soooooo.......... nice job, and keep up the good work!
Hey Alabaster! It's First Chapter contest judging time
I gotta say it; your title makes me laugh, only because my sister, borntobeawriter, wrote a story and the title is Lady Death XD !! Had to mention it.
On to reviewing!
Okay, you're showing us a dark and quiet scene. You're trying to be quiet and then... you mention your hair?! I don't see how this is relevant. I understand you must want to describe the main character, but if you're describing the scenery and the atmosphere, talking about character physiology is so out of place. I suggest you add that sentence at a more opportune moment.
*enemy
What's an ocular and what does that have to do with a growl??
Okay, I had to google this, but there are so many meanings for apex that I don't know which one you meant!
This sentence is missing a part. You read it, and it sounds like there should be a comma after help and then another bit of sentence. It's as if instead of saying "As I arrived, he fled", you just wrote "As I arrived"... that's not a sentence.
As he came up to the wolven-what? What happened??
I guess you meant "angels"..?
What is a demon blood wolf form? You have to explain this and why he transformed. You can't just spring this on us out of nowhere.
Shaking scared doesn't work. I think you meant shaking in fear.
*stands
What's an orb? I know what it is in real, but in this world, what is it? You need to tell us this.
*give
*makes
*closes
*these
Finished reading.
Now please don't take this the wrong way, but your chapter needs quite a lot of work. Here are the general things that need working on:
Verb tense
If you're going to do your story in present tense, then you need to stick with present tense. A few times now that you wrote some verbs in the past. You need to fix those and watch your verbs in the future.
Typos
You make a lot of typo mistakes. Throughout the whole chapter, you wrote "angles" instead of "angels". Not once did you write it properly, and it makes reading the chapter harder and somewhat annoying. You need to proof read your chapters once you're finished writing them. Making one or two mistakes is normal, but not dozens.
Descriptions
Although I said at the beginning that you shouldn't mention the main character's hair right then, you do need to give some description. The only thing you have described in the whole chapter is a little bit of scenery and her hair. That's basically it.
You need much more than that. You need to describe the surroundings more, the atmospheres, etc. The characters need to be described, especially the main character. For example, if it weren't for the title of LADY death, I would've never known what gender your main character was. We need to know more than hair length and colour. And don't just talk about eye colour and height. It can be simpler details; slight malformations, narrow face, slender hips, big butt, pointy ears, pale complexion, an extra finger, etc.
Story plot and flow
As I mentioned just before, you need to describe things. That also means describing and explaining these transformation thingees you talked about. The only thing you say is "oh! I must have transformed!". That is incredibly dull for the reader. Use your imagination; why do they transform? How do they transform? What do they look like when they change? (this one especially as we need a mental image of your characters) Is the process painful or does it feel good? Etc.
Which leads me to the story flow. As you have no descriptions or explanations, it makes the story go by really fast with us not understanding where this is going. Every action seems random and out of place. You need to take your time and let us catch up with what's going on. Again, describe and explain. Take your time.
This is a lot of bla bla, so I'll break it down a little..
Your main character hears a cry. How does she know it was for help? Why would she go save the wolven when you say that one sound from her and she'll die. Should her life not be more important than that of a lone wolven? Is it her duty? Is she feeling generous? What does her situation have to do with saving the wolven? You put us into her atmosphere and then drastically change it by having her rush off to who-knows where.
Then, when she has made the decision to go save the wolven, how does she find him? From sight? Hearing? Smell?
These are all things that need to be explained.
So, as I said before, there is lots to do. The general idea of the story (demons, wolvens and angels) is good - especially since I love fantasy - but the writing and transmission of information needs some serious work. You need to let your creative juices flow, make us see what you see, let us enjoy this new world you have created.
This is probably hard to read, but it'll defnitely help you improve. I hope this goes to good use
Spitfire
Well, that was interesting to say the least. I'll definietly read some more if you upload it!
Oh little thing though. Several times you use the word "Angles." Do you mean "Angels?"
Oh, and in the second paragraph you wrote "Their shock on their faces must mean I changed into my demon blood wolf form" I'm not completely sure, but I'm thinking it should be something along the lines of "The shock on their faces"
Hmm, other than that, I didn't find anything major. I hope this helps! Keep up the good work!