a/n: as per usual, written in my stylistic lowercase. this is a piece that resonates deeply with my heart, and maybe even with yours too.
it’s indisputably baffling—the amount of tranquility that wholly engulfs her in spite of it’s blatant simplicity. she refuses to blink in concern of missing any minuscule movement. despite half of her body’s discomfort, she is careful not to budge. she wouldn’t dare wake him.
softly, her fingers feather over his eyelashes in an endless captivation: a smitten study of his countenance—a visual and practical exploration, resulting in her visceral cognizance.
there’s a perplexing sort of warmth, she notes, that glows within her chest as she watches him breathe softly. it’s a fond sentiment—a ceaseless one—that only amplifies in these moments of candor. being in his arms gave her a comfort she found exclusive to him, a solace she could find no where else. she wonders if she could slow down time if only to make it all last longer.
she found his scent therapeutic. it induced equanimity and alleviated all third party affliction; made her dizzy and simultaneously kept her afloat. she bubbles with newfound mirth, a small smile drawn lightly, as she absorbs his state of stark innocence. ghosting her hands all over his face, she soars over his malleability, her heart swelling over this simple pleasure.
the impact he imposes upon her bewilders her—how he could make her feel everything when he is simply doing nothing.
"i love you..."
it's a subconscious whisper she belatedly realizes she had voiced aloud.
he stirs suddenly and exhales a mumble of incoherence that catches her full attention.she stops her enamored caress to meet his freshly woken eyes.
"hmm?" he murmurs, in a post-respite cursory confusion.
there's a short pause as she allows herself to drown momentarily in his sleepy attention.
in their silent consideration, there is a mutual exchange that can only be described as steadfast reciprocation.
but even so, she glows and almost sings,
"nothing"
he burrows into her embrace and she laughs lightly as she watches him fall back asleep.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
This story makes me sad. It reminds me of a friend I used to have. Is this about someone that you know?
Onto the review:
I know that this is supposed to be a short short story but I would have appreciated a bit more description on the person that the narrator is talking about. Just a little more description would have helped me piece the character together better.
I noticed that you said "you never told me" a lot, and I know that it is the title of the piece, but it got a bit repetitive to me. Sometimes, when you said "you never told me", it didn't exactly fit with what had come before it. Like when you said
"I tried to figure out your problems, but you never told me." Never told the problems? I was reading on where you said "you never told me" and at the end where you said it I was a bit confused. Was there some big secret that the character had?
That all being said, I enjoyed the emotion and relatability in this story. I think everybody can relate to the feeling of knowing that they could help someone if only the knew what the problem was. I also could feel the real sadness the narrator felt not being able to save this person that they saw everyday.
Good afternoon, if you don't mind, I'll just be giving your piece a quick review.
Cute. And sweet. Those are literally the words that passed through my mind when I read this. I like how you took one simple scene and just a few thoughts, and made it so beautiful. The love here is overwhelming. <3 Normally, I don't prefer lowercase throughout a story, but it was your choice, and I think it works here. It gives this whole sleeping, and waking up feel mellow and soft. I liked it.
One thing that bothered me a bit, though, was some of your vocabulary in here. Er, word usage, I guess you could say. There were quite a lot of adjectives. And while that certainly gave this a dreamy air, and yes, the imagery is gorgeous, sometimes I found it a little too... much?
For example, this first sentence just made me go - woah.
It's a very nice sentence, but I feel a little overwhelmed, and questioned whether I really understood what you were saying here or not. The same goes for this phrase:
I also feel a little stupid because I have no idea what "malleability" means.
This is very romantic, and airy, and we see how infatuated this girl is with her guy. Like I said before, it's sweet.
happy review day, and I am... out!
cheers!
Hello! This is Grace here for a review.
To start off, I love the imagery. I can almost feel through the screen how much she loves this person. However, I do have one question: Why would she touch his eyelashes? I might be a lighter sleeper than other people, but I have a feeling that touching my eyelashes would just make my eyes twitch in discomfort. DO people really do that? My apologies if that's a normal thing. I do like the description of the eyelashes, though.
This sentence is in past tense, where the rest of the piece is in the present tense.
I really like her soft "i love you." I don't know why, but it really resonated with me. Great job on that bit!
This was a really short piece, so I don't have a lot left to say. Your description was great. I support the decision to use all lowercase letters, because it makes the writing feel light and sleep-tinged, if that makes sense. Keep on writing!
-Grace