Since it’s your day, I want to say some things
We giggled, laughed and cried like kings,
Thinking of the things we did, makes me happy and glad
I remember the dawn and dusk routines you had,
A cup of coffee, to face the tedious teacher
An olive oil, to make you glimmer
Yet another oil tour, for the dark locks of hair
I remember most of them, the friends you made
Arya, Rima, Gayathri, Sunethra, Shruthi, Nayana,
Preetha, Akshaya, Ramya, Sienna, Madu and me
We the precious priceless possessions you have,
never let us go, but that I know you will not.
I remember the charming things you did,
hairdos, paintings and songs, along with
Pleasing and pissing others, defined your way
You may look calm, yet your words are sharp as a knife
After three long years, suddenly you are away from my life,
And I should say, it will be fun to have you around again..
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Canary word: Present
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A few things:
'We giggled, laughed and cried like kings,' In this sentence, the simile made to kings doesn't really sound right. I mean, do kings GIGGLE?
In the sentence "An olive oil, to make you glimmer'', this isn't grammatically or technically right, since you can't refer to just an oil as AN OIL. It should be something like ''A bottle of olive oil'' or other.
Also, mentioning names of the friends doesn't give a good impression since it makes it seem like a kids' poem. No offence meant, this is just my personal opinion.
Keep it up!
This was really cute! Though, I think that when you said "An olive oil, to make you glimmer" you meant "And," but that's really all I could see for now...
Keep writing!
~liveandbreathewords~
Hi! I think the first couplet is quite strong, although there are a few issues in the rest of the poem that you may want to take a look at.
Firstly, punctuation: I think there are a few places where you should be using a period instead of a comma to accentuate the pause between ideas, such as at the end of line 2. There should also probably be some punctuation of some sort at the end of line 5, as currently it reads as though the teacher is associated with the olive oil!
Secondly, I think maybe consider leaving out the list of names in the middle section. The fact that you say you've remembered most of the friends is enough for the reader, as the list breaks the flow.
Next you may want to rephrase "pleasing and pissing others", as it comes out a little bit strange! I think I know what you're trying to say, maybe something like "frustrating" could be used instead of "pissing"?
Finally there's a bit of muddle in the phrasing towards the end, as I think (and correct me if I'm wrong) that you mean it 'would' be fun to have your friend around again rather than 'will', as she isn't definitely coming back to do the things mentioned earlier in the poem with you.
Sorry if any of this seems harsh, none of them are particularly major changes, but I think that just altering a few small things could really help you to bring across your message. I like the fact that you don't feel constrained by a rhyme scheme, the occasional rhyme is a nice touch and doesn't restrict your choice of vocabulary.
Thank you for your review
will keep that in mind and do according and pls dont apolozice, no offence taken!
this is a freindship day special poem. am i right.the poem is good and narrates well the times with freinds that we cherish aii through our life. my bff changed her school this year we have contacts yet not so strong as before. i too enjoy the time we spent together. as for the poem i like the moments u captured like disliking the arrival of teacher also gleaming at oloiveoil. if nu truly miss ur feing which seems from ur writing i want to say life goes on nothing is static, ur freind will find new one u too shall find new one. keep wriing
Thank you for your review! Yes this is a friendship poem, but unlike you said, we still chat hangout and stuff and only that we don't study together anymore. So this is like a memory poem.Anyways thanks again!