Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
February 2003
I stepped into a dark alley trying to avoid what was going on across the street. As i started shaking slightly as i heard the girl scream and my hands flew up over my ears. Almost immediately after she started screaming i heard a gunshot and it went quiet. It’s been 6 months since i came here and I still haven’t gotten used to the violence, which was odd because i lived with a violent person my whole life, and i grew up in the rougher side of town so there were constantly people fighting. The difference though between a rough neighborhood and downtown, is astounding. The violence is a lot different, and a lot worse. Two shadows loomed in the distance and I knew almost instantly who it was, Trench coat and Shorty, my ‘guardians’. They follow me practically everywhere and have protected me from getting hurt multiple times. even though I have learned to get used to it, it still freaks me out from time to time. I had walked farther into the alley, when I heard some sort of commotion going on inside one of the buildings. It was probably a stupid idea, but my curiosity got the best of me, so I ran up the fire exit and slowly opened up the door. It didn't take me by much surprise when i saw a fight going on in an arena. I looked on with interest when I felt something behind me.
“It’s the underground” I turned my head to come face to face with Shorty my eyes widening with curiosity.
“Underground?” he smirked a twinkle in his eye and i gulped gently
“Yes, an ‘organization’ for street fighters”
"Why do they have an organization?" I turned back to look at the fight as i said this
"It keeps most of them out of trouble and it is easier to keep track of the fight’s that happen, it is kind of like MMA, but not. That and they can paid a few thousand dollars a fight if they are good.”
My mouth dropped open for a moment "You could make a living off of this"
He chuckled quietly "Some actually do, those ones normally don’t have family or have abandoned them a long while back. Otherwise it normally goes toward supporting their family, there are a lot of poorer teens in here." I held my breath for a moment and then let it go and watched for a little bit. One fighter had a red stripe on his arm, and the other had blue. Red threw an uppercut hitting blue in the chin so hard that he flew backwards into the cage.He then ran forward and sailed in the air with a sidekick, but Blue grabbed his ankle twisting it so Red fell hard hitting his face on the mat. I snickered to myself, but when Red lifted his head unfortunately he was facing my way. Our eyes met and I could feel him staring me down. I knew there was blood, but i didn't notice that. Instead i noticed the scar on his forehead that traced down through his right eyebrow, and down past his eye. I grimaced slightly then noticed his intense glare, this caused me to quickly run out and down the flight of stairs. I stumbled a bit at the bottom, but someone caught me, looking up i saw that it was the one and only trench coat. I smiled in thanks expecting one back, but he just set me up right before walking off back into the alley.
I sighed and mumbled to myself incoherently before walking off toward The Leprechaun. When I got there and sat down in my normal spinny chair a Shirley Temple was put in front of me and i set two dollars on the counter as usual. I looked up to the hockey game, The Rangers were facing the Penguins at Madison Square Garden.The Rangers were winning 2-1 10:34 left in the 2nd period.
"Hey Sky" I turned to look over at a few of the regulars’ in there.
"So why do you wear that glove?" Jakyl asked this for the billionth time. I rolled my eyes and growled slightly before turning back to the game "Alrighty fine, never mind"
There has been a glove constantly on my right hand ever since i was 6. The reason behind this is because my father attempted to crash a beer bottle over my skull. Instead I blocked it causing it to rip my hand open. I never got stitches so it healed over badly and left a nasty scar. I personally didn't like looking at it because it reminded me of my past, and it would raise suspicion if it showed. I never told anyone about it, and I didn’t plan to anytime soon. "Hey Drake, you think you can spike my next one?"
He looked at me amused "Skylar you know I can’t" I narrowed my eyes but smirked when he set my next Shirley temple down next to the guys. He ducked under the counter for a second and I snickered as Kiser put a couple drops of his shot in it then slid it over to me just as Drake popped up with a bottle of wine. I stirred my drink and took a sip; Kiser had only done this twice before, and only because the group of guys knew my situation. Well take that back, the guys knew that I ran away from home because my dad was a drunkard, and they knew that I lived in my little hideout. They didn't know about the Tae-kwon-do, the black market, and definitely not about the abuse. Jakyl, Kiser, Xavier, and Hunter, along with Drake the bartender, were in here every single night, as was i. Honestly i think i have gotten addicted to these Shirley Temple's.
Kiser was actually the one to find me wandering the streets on my second night downtown. He tried to take me to the cops but I refused and ran off. After that I ran into him a few more times, on the 5th time around he had a blanket and food in hand. I accepted the offer and we sat quietly on a park bench for awhile until he started telling me his life story. I had stayed quiet at first and just listened, but after about a week of him bringing me food I started to open up. I told him how i had a drunk father and drug addicted mother, i also told him that i was abused. He understood that that is what made me run away and at that point decided to take me under his wing. Over time I told him more and more about myself, he gave me comforting words and made me feel totally safe for the first time in my life. After about 3 weeks he introduced me to the guys; I told them that I was abandoned by my drunk father and at first they wanted to bring me to the cops, but i did everything in my power to prevent it. In the end they had fallen in love me and decided that i was going to be there ‘adopted’ little girl. Ever since they have been there for me, keeping me fed, clothed, safe, and happy. I joined them in the bar every night to check in, and enjoy their company. They made sure I was going to school and decided they had to make sure my hideout was safe and hidden enough. Once I secured a job at a small bakery I told them I was making enough to feed and clothe myself. They backed off a bit then letting me gain my independence. Honestly, I don’t think i would be alive right now if not for them.
I finished my drink and went over to the boys to give them each a hug. Hunter pulled out a small backpack "We all pitched in and got you a present"
I was surprised but smiled anyways and opened the backpack. There was a blanket, a new sweatshirt, a couple pairs of clothes, a pair of PJ’s, new tennis shoes and socks. At the bottom there was an envelope with some money in it.
Xavier was bouncing up and down in his seat “open the other pockets! open them open them!" I giggled and shook my head at him
In the second one I found pencils, pens, some new notebooks, and a copy of the first Harry Potter book. I had forgotten that I had mentioned I loved reading. In the third one I found some candy bars and beef jerky, there was also a Gatorade on either side. In the smallest pocket there was an IPod touch with a charger.
"It’s the oldest generation, my kid got a new one for his birthday so I took this one up. The Wi-Fi password for here is in it for you already." Drake spoke up as he wiped down the counter.
I was absolutely speechless "Th....Thanks, but why?” they just smiled
i smiled when Kiser spoke up slurring slightly "Just thought you might like a pick me up, you’ve seemed a little down lately" I nodded and gave them each another hug when my watch beeped signaling that it was already 9. "Well thanks i guess. I’ve gotta run though." Kiser waved to me before polishing off his drink and passed out on the counter. I rolled my eyes and looked over at the other guys “See ya’ll tomorrow.”
"Night!" they all called after me and I strode out slinging the backpack over my shoulder.
Once I got to the market I checked up on the other vendors before heading over to Myrna. I started work for her about 6 months ago, almost immediately after i got here. I take something that she is selling, drive up the price, then sell it to another vendor.We split the money in half because this is how we both make a living. You could say we are dependent on each other. She is probably in her late 60’s so it is hard for her to sell much anymore, but i don’t have the experience she has and I have no idea how to get things to sell. "Hey Myrna, whatcha got for me to sell tonight?" she smiled and gave me a quick hug.
"Well Skylar I have a special one for you tonight" I chuckled silently as I scratched behind my ear and leaned on her stand my chin resting on my fist. She brought out a solid gold diamond ring with another gold band attached. My eyes widened slightly I rubbed the back of my neck nervously
"This looks like someone’s wedding ring. How exactly get a hold of this?" she smiled and pinched my cheek, it took all i had not to slap her hand away. She can be a little creepy and weird sometimes, and after all we were business partners, not family.
"That my sweet is something you don't need to worry about" I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.
"This is a very nice ring though, one that could cost thousands of dollars,there for I am going to worry about it" her shoulders slumped showing she was giving in
"Alright fine, an old friend of mine was recently divorced and she knows my line of work at night, so she handed it off to me to sell." I scanned her over while she was talking; Her posture was relaxed, a smile present, and her eyes glistened. Everything seemed to be normal so I decided to believe her.
"Alright, let me see what I can get out of this." I slipped it on my finger playing with it as I looked around the market trying to figure out where to sell it,that’s when the whole place suddenly went dead silent. I looked around in confusion and that’s when I saw the devil himself, Axel, the king of the black market. I squealed with excitement, because he had recently gone on a trip and hadn't shown up in a few weeks. I still remember the first time I met him. I was trying to sell a diamond necklace and I foolishly approached him I hadn't realized at the time who he was an i practically manipulated him to buy it, he gave in and finally bought it. Impressed with my skills he started watching out for me and eventually took me under his wing, even though i didn't realize it at the time, that’s when things really started to change for me.Somewhere in the first couple weeks he figured out my real name, but thankfully he never uses it. I have this rule that only my family, school and work can know my real name, the reason being is that I wanted to keep my lives separate and it was a safety precaution. Axel, somehow, the only exception to this rule.
"AXEL!!!" I yelled before i ran over and jumped into his arms. He smiled slightly and spun me around
"Hey Skylar, how ya doing? Have you grown?" I giggled my nose scrunching up as he shifted my weight
"Quite well actually, and after 6 weeks i think i would have a little bit!" i grinned and he chuckled lightly
“very true”
" So how was your trip?" I asked looking completely innocent, but honestly i was just curious if he brought back a souvenir like he usually does.
"It went really well. All the business went over smoothly. That, and I brought a surprise back for you." he smirked slightly as he set me down and slipped a necklace around my neck. it was a silver heart locket with a couple pictures of him in it; it made me even happier to see that he had taken his hood down for once in these so I could actually see his face. On the front it had my initials and a really intricate Celtic design, and on the back it had Love Daddy Axel engraved on it. I hugged him really tight while bouncing in excitement "Thank you so much Axel!" He gave a gentle squeeze back the looked at me a small smile on his face and pride gleaming in his eyes. as i heard a few people awe. I snorted and rolled my eyes in annoyance trying to ignore them."So I have something I am selling if you are interested?" he nodded as i handed him the ring. He examined it and shrugged.
"Why not, how much do you want for it?"
"2,500" he raised an eyebrow
“Sky you need to learn how to price things better. This is worth much more than that!” my shoulder slouched as he said that and i hung my head in shame fearing that i disappointed him.
“Sky, look at me” i glanced up at him while scuffing my shoe on the floor “You are very smart, but you are still learning, and that’s okay. I know myself that learning street smarts is hard, it will come with time, i promise.” I nodded “You didn't do anything wrong, you know i am proud of you right?”
“yeah, how much should i sell it for then?” my voice was quiet as i stared at the floor. He gently lifted my head and pushed my shoulders back.
“Confidence sky, how about 5,000?” he started to shell out the cash before stopping and crouching down to my level. “Okay, how about 1,500, is that better?” i shrugged averting my eyes
“I guess so”
he sighed “Sky, what’s wrong?” i shook my head and stuck my hand’s in my pockets. I still haven't gotten used to all of this so it’s hard for me to speak up sometimes. His eyebrows furrowed but he stood up wrapping an arm around me handing Myrna half of the cash. “I have got to go for now, will you be okay?”
“Yeah, see ya later”
He leaned down to kiss my forehead “See ya later peanut” i scowled at the nickname then looked over at Myrna gently clearing my throat.
"Anything else tonight?" she glanced around her stand and shook her head
"I am sure to have something for you tomorrow night though, bye sweetie" I nodded once and rushed off before she could pinch my cheeks again. I was about to head out when a guy called me over.
"Hey Skylar, I have something that might be of interest to you" My eyebrows were raised as I walked over to his stand while he pulled out a sword case "I have tried to sell this a few times but I just can’t seem too, do you want to help?" I shrugged slightly before gently grabbing it to examine it. It was silver with a red and black hilt, intricate designs and foreign writing all over it.
"Information?" he shook his head
“it was just left at my stand one day with a note to sell it.” I lightly ran my fingers over the blade "It seems to be of Asian descent based on the designs and writing on the blade. It looks like it has been around awhile too" I stated sliding it back into it’s case
"Wow, you’re smart" I shrugged
"not really. alright let me see what I can get off of this for you" Hooking it onto a belt loop I walked off to the other side of the market, the ‘dangerous’ side where weapons and drugs are sold. I also think i saw someone buying an organ of some sort once, but i am not positive. I saw Axel standing at a stand and I went up only to end up leaning into him. He put a protective arm around my shoulder and squeezed hard showing that he was in a business deal and not to interrupt, but knowing me i didn't really care too much. fortunately for me The stand was one with a lot of blades. I looked up at the guy analyzing him before speaking up "Would you happen to be interested in a sword sir?"
Axel growled softly "we are in the middle of som" the guy cut him off with a glare
"why yes, I would." I laid it on the top of the stand keeping a hand on it at all times, he examined it before coming up with an offer "5,000" I scrunched my nose
"Why so little?" he eyed me good and hard but my confidence didn't break, if anything i got more confident.
“Well it looks like a really nice sword but nothing special” I straightened up and clenched my jaw
"actually it is in excellent condition, it just so happens to be a couple thousand years old, and of Asian descent" His nostrils flared and I smirked as the lie slipped easily through my teeth and i could feel Axel trying to hold back a laugh "That being said, I won’t go lower than $30,000." Truthfully that sword was probably not worth that much but this guy didn't seem to have picked up on the lie, he also wouldn't try anything with Axel around.
He sighed "15"
"27"
"20"
I smirked while he glared "29" one of my favorite things to do is lower my price, then raise it again, it gets buyers to try to take the price before it
"Wait, 27?" I licked my lips and looked away for a moment
"Okay, I can go with 27" I took my hand off the sword as he counted out the money.When I went to hug axel but he leaned down to my level.
"I will be gone for a couple nights, but I have an something important coming in on Sunday night that I need your help with" I was taken aback
"why me?" he raised an eyebrow
“Do you really not know?” i shook my head "Let’s put it this way, you have a way of manipulating people to buy anything at any price you want, and I need that in this deal." I was surprised but still got a nice ego boost from that so i questioned him further
"okay, so what's coming in?" he froze
"I can't tell you" i smacked my forehead with my hand
"Then I can’t help you" he sighed and whispered in my ear
"It’s a major drug and weapons deal" I rubbed the bridge of my nose and grimaced
"I don't know if I want to be involved in that sort of deal"
"You get 10 %" I snorted
"my deal was, is ,and always will be 50."
"30"
"40 and I’m not doing it, sorry." he rubbed his temples.
“Please sky, i need you in this”
“will i be handling it at all?”
“No.”
“I will negotiate a price with one person, but i’m not handling the money either.” he gave me a hug and kissed my cheek before standing up and wincing slightly
"Okay, meet me here Sunday night at 9:50"
"Will do, but are you okay?” he gave me a small smile
“Yeah, just a few minor injuries, i’m fine” he gave me a small pat on the shoulder and walked off. I hope nothing goes wrong with this.
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I have edited this for people who have already read it!!
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IP address:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello, I'm going to give my impression about a few points in your story.

First, you should not put those dialogue in a middle of a paragraphe. That makes them not really easy to read, nor to understand who said what. I think it'll be better to have more space in the text.
Here I think there's a problem. You start the sentence by saying he's moving toward the bar and you end it by having the character already installed at the bar with a drink. In a shorter version that would be writing "I'm going to that place, I'm already in that place." You should at least try to separate that in two sentences.
In the bar, you add some characters in the text but not really introduced them. It make it look like Skylar is alone then suddenly peoples just appear out of nothing.
You should also do something about the description of the characters. I'm not sure there's a single one in that chapter. It could help to add a few details, even just one for each character, hair color, eye color, size, build, skin, shape of the head, anything. Just so they can be more than just non descript figures.
On the story itself, here's a few things I wonder about (there's no need of answer for them but thinking about them could help you) :
- Who are Trench coat and Shorty and why do they follow Skylar ? (you could do something like you did with the glove, that part was good)
- Is it not a little to easy to make money for Skylar ? I mean in just a couple of lines she earns something like 10 grands, that's something.
So, given a few things I'm sure there's way to make this chapter really better.
I will edit the mashed dialouge asap! I now see what i did with that sentence, i will have to rewrite that. It is still in it's beginning works, but you're right i do need to introduce her and the other characters better. I am working on the money issue, it is something i have been debating about for a while now, it is going to be slightly hard to fix becuase it might muddle up some other parts of the book, but i agree with you on it is too easy. Trench coat and shorty are introduced, but like any good book you have to read on (2nd chapter to be posted within a couple days) in order to understand them, becuase that is a decent part of the plot.
This is very muddled. When a different person speaks they need to have their own paragraph. I know that doing that is a lot of more work, but in the long run you will get more reviews and it will be easier for people to read it.
I'm only saying this because I myself couldn't follow it. Having the dialogue of all of the characters smashed together makes refers like me want to skim over this piece of work. It maybe really good and intriguing, but the way it is laid out is hard to read.
I'm only trying to help and I don't want any feelings hurt. I want you to keep writing as well as improve.
I did look it over but mashed and muddled dialouge is something I have always had trouble with. I will go back and edit that right now! And I understand that it is all in good intentions for the criticism, I don't take offense to it.
Thank goodness because I have had plenty if people get really mad at me and I only wanted to help.