The
undying lust.
A
face I can never touch.
I
dream she is mine,
but
mine she is not.
I beg and I plead,
for
her to escape this snake.
To
let me rescue her,
from
his wicked reign.
This
snake is a shapeshifter,
he
changes near friend.
People
think he is loving,
but
i know of his falsehood.
She
deserves a knight,
who
will treat her true,
not
this thing she calls her love.
He
deludes her into submission,
and
coerces her into bed.
His
wish is her command,
and
his wish is always met.
This
dangersome creature,
will
one day meet his downfall.
But
for now I lie in wait,
in
the cave I call my home.
Please
have no fear my princess,
for
one day I will come for thee.
Please
have no fear my princess,
for
one day you will be free.
In
times to come,
during
hardship and despair,
our
names will be remembered,
our
tale will be retold.
For
One day I will slay this snake,
and
win your golden heart.
I
will reveal this snake to all he deceives,
and
take my rightful crown
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128,431 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
This is a really great poem! It's very clear what the conflict is, and I can really feel where you're coming from. There are some great lines in here, one of my favorites being, "I will reveal this snake to all he deceives."
My only complaint is that the phrasing, using one word and then a line, was a little confusing to me. It kept jolting me out of the poem, and distracted me quite a bit.
Otherwise, this was very interesting to read. Thank you so much for writing!
Thanks for taking the time to read it
Great job, I think we all know who this "Snake" is. Hm?
ahaha it's you
Yeah, I wish
This was great, really effective and a really good read
Thanks so much
the comparison makes your poem sound really good. usually, you see such feelings in a plain narrative. i would suggest using some better words, some lines don't seem right in their place. "love is a mystery, he cannot bear to solve" that is out of sync with pattern you have chosen but i must say, the last stanza is really good!! it makes up for that line
Thanks you
I've changed the "love is a mystery, he cannot bear to solve" to ''But i know of his falsehood
yeah that sounds better!!
Thanks
Hello aidanp! Welcome to YWS. I'm Griff, here to review this lovely work of yours.
First off, I like your style. I like how you put the first word in a different line than the rest. I think it gives the poem an interesting flow. However, sometimes I found the rhythm a little odd, especially here;
Even though I love this line-it's a great metaphor-it is so much longer than the others, so it throws off the rhythm for me. I had to pause and reread it, which bothers me in a poem.
Context-wise, however, I really like it. I took it as a guy who wants a girl, but she is with a double-faced person, whom everyone thinks is perfect. I think you could have done more with this, personally, I found it to be too short. I think you could expand on what exactly the "snake" has done to people that makes him so bad.
Overall, I enjoyed this piece, but I feel that it has potential to be more, to be stronger.
Keep writing and being amazing!
~GC
Thanks for the review, i'll try improve it soon
I've changes the "love is a mystery, he cannot bear to solve" to ''But i know of his falsehood''