The house where laughter once sounded.

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Flowers withered; weeds grow,
Windows bare, the insides show.
Blessings have turned to omens; the doves replaced by a crow
A haunting silence hangs, where laughter once used to flow.

Happiness is what the darkness stains,
The debris of a cheerful life is all that remains;
Memories of a past strife hang in the air,
The manor is in shambles, no one seems to care.

Passerby’s shudder in fright,
As they gape at this unholy,intriguing sight;
Mesmerized, they stand; their eyes are bound,
“It’s unbelievable, that this is a house where laughter used to sound.”

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Matthews
Review

K, good job a creating an interesting image in my mind. It's quite beautiful really, but what bugged me was you going in and out of past and present tense. Here, I'll show you:

ahmedBurooj wrote:
Flowers withered; weeds grow #8000BF ">K, so "withered" is past, but "grow" is present. It should be changed to "grown"
Windows bare#FF0080 ">d, the insides show#FF0080 ">n.
Blessings have turned to omens; the doves replaced by a crow
A haunting silence hangs, where laughter once used to flow.

Happiness is what the darkness stains,
The debris of a happy life is all that remains; #8000BF ">You just used "happiness" then "happy" maybe change the second one to "cheerful" or something? Also, "is" should maybe be "are". "The debris of a happy life are all that remain." And if the line before that has to rhyme, "Happiness is what darkness does stain."
Memories of a past strife hang in the air,
The manor is in shambles, no one to care. #8000BF ">"No one to care" hmm, hard to read. Maybe "no one cares" or "no one seems to care"?

Passerby’s shudder in fright, #8000BF ">"Passerby's" is OK, but "People passing" is easier to read.
As they gape at this unholy, yet intriguing sight; #8000BF ">You could take out the "yet".
Mesmerized, they stand; their eyes are bound,
“It’s unbelievable, that this is a house where laughter used to sound.” #8000BF ">This last stanza was my favorite. Awesome!


Sweet poem! :P I like el mucho!

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ahmedBurooj
Comment

suggestions, to be precise? :)

User avatar
Danny
Review
Danny wrote a review · Wed Mar 30, 2011 10:46 am

Hi!
I like the poem a lot. It gives a nice creepy image. But I do have some comments.
Why are the last two lines of the first para that long? It can be split and right now it looks like you wrote it that way to force a rhyme. The rhyme should come in a flow. I think the first line of your second stanza could do with some tweaking.
I like the last stanza.



i am neither a loose leaf nor do i like loose leafs. really, i am a piece of wide-ruled looseleaf paper.
— looseleaf