Published January 3, 2013
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139,331 Literary Works • 672,537 Reviews
Hello Ahhh. nice name, Jordin here to review this here I review because I know what it is like to really burn, I hope it helps.
this sounds wronge do you mean "Glistening snake,"This looks like haiku I kind of like it.
This does not make that much sense.
Okay well this was not the best but you know it has absolutely nothing to do with burn or fire or anything to do with the name.
Do some more work make it bigger and keep writing.
~Jon~
Short poems are somewhat in the style of riddles. This means not only does every word need to be carefully chosen for tone, but sentences need to be tightly monitored to make sure they continue to make sense as you take out words. And not only do they need to make "rough" sense, as maybe your poem does, but they need to flow easily so that the reader, rather than puzzling over odd phrases, puzzles over the meaning of the poem/riddle.
Your poem loses me in confusion, not pondering, and I think it could all be fixed (if I'm reading it correctly) by saying "His words never savor of grace like your original candy". This implies taste, and is a stronger verb than "feel". What kind of feel? Painful? Even "hurts" is stronger than "feel", though "smarts" or "stings" is yet stronger.
Of course, now I'm getting into diction criticisms.
First, I think, unless English is not your first language, that I get the intent behind saying "glisten" instead of "glistening snake". Because the latter seems to common. But the first seems like broken English. You must find a happy medium. Think about, maybe, nouns that glisten. Lit-glass snake shows the fire burning through glass, which automatically evokes "glisten". Or something similar.
Besides the verb I already talked about, the other place that needs work is the last word.
Candy? So week! So sweet! Without any of the tone that you want it to have. It tastes pink. It tastes nothing like original sin. Try maybe thinking of specific candies or sweets that evoke a darker tone. Not too specific/mundane. Like "original black licorice" sounds even sillier, but "original creme brulee" kind of brings in new images that might work to your tone?
On second thought, it'll be hard to find a better noun to go there because original is already working against whatever you put. Original is doing so much work: carrying the weight of the "original sin" implication, that putting any common noun beside it makes it seem less epic that you intend it to be. It also makes the noun seem silly to be imbued with so much power? I guess I'd recommend trying to find a phrase that evokes "original" and displays a type of temptation in sweetness.
Think harder! Find better words! Play word association games with yourself to get as many options as possible, yeah?
Leave me a PM or wall post if you have any questions, and good luck!
Hey Ahhhsmusch! I'm going to give you a quick review. I liked this poem, it was really short, which is part of the point of it. However, I will say I would've liked a little more elaboration so that I could understand exactly what it was about. It was really well written, very rhythmically appealing. I just didn't quite understand it. Nice job! Keep writing!