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My Zoo Adventure

by ahaskin


My Zoo Adventure

My experience in 7th grade was the best that you could of had. One reason is because the school has the best teachers ever. One of my favorite memories with my friends and my teachers was our trip to Fort Wayne Children's Zoo. My three favorite memories from our zoo trip was the bus ride there and back. Next, all of the fun and enjoyable rides at the zoo. Finally, hanging out with my friends that made me laugh a lot.

One of my memories that I will never forget is the bus ride there and the bus ride back. On the bus ride there it felt like forever, but I was sitting by one of my friends Jonathan. Jonathan was wearing a dark blue shirt and a pair of shorts. I was wearing a black jacket with a black shirt and a pair of shorts. Jonathan and I were sitting next to each other listening to music and looking at awesome trucks mostly Chevy trucks. We talked and talked. We checked where we were and we were still in Michigan but it felt like we had been on the bus for four hours but we were only on the bus for one hour and still had one hour left. I gave Jonathan that I’m-gonna-freak look! After that one hour we finally got to the zoo. On the way back from the zoo all the kids were filled up on sugar and yelling crazily especially us in the back of the bus. The whole bus was raging with excitement! I didn't have as much sugar as other kids they all had pixy sticks and stuff and all I had was a coffee. The bus ride back felt like it was only one hour, but it was again two hours. On the way back was the most fun. This time I sat by Josh. Josh was wearing a jacket and a pair of black sweat pants. It was really fun on the way back from the zoo.

Next, my favorite memory at the zoo was the rides they had. The first ride we went on was the Sky Safari. We first had to walk all the way back to the front to get some money so we could by the tokens to ride the Sky Safari. We finally got on the Sky Safari. Josh and I rode up on the Sky Safari, but Noah, Jonathan, and Jevin all rode up together. Josh and I got on second then we took off. We saw all the different colored green grass and all the different colored animals up there. Feet dangling, arms flaring, kids screaming we were up very high. Then Josh started yelling out “This is so scary!”, but he was just kidding around. On the way back down Josh was still yelling and then this guy came up over the speaker and I thought “This was going to be bad!” All the guy had to say is “Please do not scream on the Sky Safari, thankyou.” Finally we got off the Sky Safari and went on with the rest of the day. After we ate lunch we went out of the cafe and saw the Crocodile Creek Adventure Ride. We all got on that ride thinking “We might get wet. Yeah!” We went on to the ride but we didn't get wet. We started to rock it back and forth and that was really fun. It was about a seven to ten minute ride but it was really fun. Those were just a couple rides that were at the zoo but that's all the rides we went on.

Finally, my last memory was hanging out with my friends that made me laugh. My friends and I were having a blast at the zoo and I would like to share some of the most enjoyable moments. First of all one of my favorite memories was when we were at the stingrays. We all tried to touch a stingray and then when Noah accidentally touched one he pulled his hand out of there like a lion was trying to bite it. Yanking fast, breathing hard, and dripping water from his arm. Noah got his whole arm wet and he got my shoes wet. Noah did that over and over again and on the last time I was laughing so hard. Another enjoyable moment was when we took pictures of statues or monuments with all of us on them. We would usually climb on them and have Josh's mom take a picture of us. Next, a bird sitting on a overhang staring deeply at Jevin. A bird, a cold hearted creature, stared blankly at Jevin. The bird gave Jevin that, make-me-mad-again look. When we were coming back we looked up to find another one sitting there staring at Jevin. They were staring at him with those black beady eyes, staring at him with all their focus, and staring at him in anger. Finally, the last memory was at the petting farm. While we were there petting the goats one of the goats started to eat Jevins pant leg. The goat confused, skinny, and silent thought something didn’t taste right about the pant leg. Those were some of are memories that we had at the zoo together as friends.

If you can't tell, I had a blast at the zoo. My friends were amazing and all very funny. My favorite memories about the Fort Wayne Zoo with my friends was the bus ride there and back. All of the fun and enjoyable rides, also laughing and having fun with my friends. That is one of the reasons my experience in 7th grade was the best that you could of had.


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91 Reviews


Points: 6950
Reviews: 91

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Fri Jun 03, 2016 2:33 pm
burninhell wrote a review...



Hello!
Welcome to YWS!!!

Okay, so I just thought I would stop by with a review for you. So first, I'm going to suggest improvements, and then we can get to the good stuff :)

Okay, so my first suggestion would be to perhaps use the word 'memories' a little less, as at points it begins to sound a little repetitive. So you could maybe use a different word instead such as 'experiences' or something similar, just to get a bit of variety into your work.

My second suggestion would be to perhaps start your paragraphs off in different ways, rather than using the exact same words that you have previously used in your introduction. So an example opening for perhaps the second paragraph would be 'I also loved the rides at the zoo!' Again, this just helps to stop your piece from sounding slightly repetitive.

I'm also going to agree with Leek's comment below, your paragraphs are quite long, I would suggest breaking them down into smaller paragraphs. So an example of where you could split your paragraphs up would perhaps be between these two sentences.

After that one hour we finally got to the zoo. On the way back from the zoo all the kids were filled up on sugar

So that the next paragraph begins with 'On the way back'.

I didn't have as much sugar as other kids

I think you need to add in the word 'the' so that it would be 'as the other kids'.

My favorite memories about the Fort Wayne Zoo with my friends was the bus ride there and back. All of the fun and enjoyable rides, also laughing and having fun with my friends.

Okay, so you have already repeated what your best memories of going to the zoo were multiple times, I dont think that you need to repeat it again here.

Okay, so overall I think that this is a really good piece! I get the impression that it was perhaps for a school assignment due to it's layout? Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. So yeah, I think that you seem to have had a really good time at the zoo, that comes across in the piece, I would just perhaps suggest trying to make it a little bit less repetitive. :)
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25 Reviews


Points: 59
Reviews: 25

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Thu Jun 02, 2016 8:21 pm
Leekeer wrote a review...



Hey! Ahaskin welcome to YWS ill be here to review your work.
so lets get right into the business

"One of my memories that I will never forget is the bus ride there and the bus ride back. On the bus ride there it felt like forever, but I was sitting by one of my friends Jonathan. Jonathan was wearing a dark blue shirt and a pair of shorts. I was wearing a black jacket with a black shirt and a pair of shorts. Jonathan and I were sitting next to each other listening to music and looking at awesome trucks mostly Chevy trucks. We talked and talked. We checked where we were and we were still in Michigan but it felt like we had been on the bus for four hours but we were only on the bus for one hour and still had one hour left. I gave Jonathan that I’m-gonna-freak look! After that one hour we finally got to the zoo. On the way back from the zoo all the kids were filled up on sugar and yelling crazily especially us in the back of the bus. The whole bus was raging with excitement! I didn't have as much sugar as other kids they all had pixy sticks and stuff and all I had was a coffee. The bus ride back felt like it was only one hour, but it was again two hours. On the way back was the most fun. This time I sat by Josh. Josh was wearing a jacket and a pair of black sweat pants. It was really fun on the way back from the zoo"

Woah Woah woah this whole paragraph should be cut down, too much info this whole paragraph is meaningless as you created too much info and should have broken the paragraph into separate paragraphs to make it more digestible and easier for the reader to read but creating a huge chunk of line and jumbling it on a page is just honestly lazy because your not taking your time and effort to space it out make it even, break it down.

Ok my final thoughts because i just did not want to tell you again to break it down is that the story is good and should be improved here and there but you have a great idea and you are just starting out but i know if you break down your paragraphs and secure your ideas then youll sure make a great author.





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