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16+ Language

So this is it, huh?

by agronaa


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

This is a lil' apocalyptic piece based on the idea of your life flashing before your eyes when you die and I feel like the tone doesn't carry through from paragraph to paragraph properly. Any help/suggestions/criticisms in that area (or just generally) would be very welcome. Also any grammar/spelling discrepancies you notice.

It’s all falling down. Maybe it’s the anxiety clawing at your chest, or the concrete shards slamming down around you like God’s angriest, dustiest hailstorm, but you know in your heart of hearts that this isn’t the kind of thing you come back from. There’s something undeniably apocalyptic about the dust and rubble that swirls around the jagged concrete island you are inadvertently inhabiting. Protruding from the reinforced concrete that surrounds you - while it simultaneously fills your lungs with tiny, rasping particles - recently serrated metal bars grate the tips of your fingers as you jolt and falter in a desperate, pathetic attempt to drag yourself from your quickly disintegrating living room. You swear you’re still going but the world directly around you has moved into slow motion, people outside still screaming and running while your body sags, trapped inside a sphere of silence - your Idiot Orb, your Dumbass Domain. The tiny realm of hell reserved for halfwit morons who don’t evacuate when they’re told to. A voice inside your head that isn’t yours laughs. Asshole.

You want to remember the good times now but for some reason all your mind is filled with is images of Trevor, the goldfish you had when you were 9. He was a birthday present - you can still vividly remember the day you and your dad went to pick him out from the selection of 7 identical fish at your local pet shop. You loved Trevor. he was your best friend for all of three weeks before you accidentally poured soap granules into his tank instead of food and your brother had to flush him down the toilet because you were too busy sobbing to How to Save a Life by The Fray. Good fuckin’ song, that, but you doubt having someone stay up with you all night is really what you need to save your own life, right now.

The world around you begins to tilt as the foundations of the building you have been living if for a full eleven days give way. Your apartment has three rooms and a cupboard, one of four small dwellings that occupy the seventh floor. You remember distantly, somewhere in the back of your mind, that this is the floor you are supposed to throw a cat out of if you want it to hit terminal velocity. You don’t know why you know that, or in what situation it would ever be relevant to anything but there you go. Cats. Your brain kind of buffers as you struggle to recall what terminal velocity even means, but you were never the best at maths. Or physics? They’re basically the same thing, you suppose. Science is just more wordy.

You were the only person in your building (as far as you know) who chose not to evacuate when the warnings went out. It doesn’t matter, you thought. It’s not like anything ever really comes of it, in the end. Idiot. Your landlord stayed, actually, now you think about it. As if he was going to try and protect the building or something. Your toothbrush falls through the door to the bathroom as the building begins to become more horizontal than vertical. You lose your grip completely now and your back hits the wall, your neck cracking back painfully. Realisation hits you and you’re so glad Mr. McCuddy stayed. He still hasn’t agreed to fix the tap that was already broken when you moved in - he insisted it was your fault, that you broke it with your ‘negative energy.’ At least if this is how you go out, you’re taking him with you.

The voice is back now and you can tell from the tone that its owner is smiling. It’s not malicious - more sentimental and lightly amused. You’re starting to slide backwards now. Backwards? Downwards? It doesn’t really matter and in the delirious amazement surrounding the moment you manage to hit the ceiling without totally snapping your neck, you finally recognise the voice. MacKenzie Porter, your second kiss. Also your first kiss, but the second one was approximately four years later and significantly more enjoyable. It’s her laugh that whispers down your spine as blood begins to drip into your open eyes, clouding your vision with a dingy orange mist. She’s probably in a bunker now, somewhere underground. you wonder what she’s thinking about. It seems narcissistic to assume it might be you but when you really consider it, it might be. Definitely not the only thing she’s thinking of (she probably has kids now - something responsible and adult like that) but she’s the sort of person to think about everyone in times of trouble, even if it’s only a little bit. Her voice is getting quieter.

Something snags and now you’re falling. There’s a tremendous crashing sound - the battering concrete pops your bubble.

Oh.

You hit the ground.


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Mon Jan 14, 2019 6:06 am
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hey there! How about a review?

Oh. Man. There are so many things that you just did INCREDIBLY well in this, and I absolutely love- although I have things quoted for that, and I don't want to spoil it or get too rambly by doing it now, so stick around! XP

Okay first off, since you asked about this specifically, I'll tell you that I could see what you were worried about with the sort of not-super-smooth transition from paragraph to paragraph. But here's the thing: I think it worked actually really well? Like it didn't have any sort of negative effect in my eyes- instead, it actually seemed to be adding to the whole "you're dying-- oooh, remember this?-- you're still dying--OH man, memories--YOU'RE STILL DYING" affect. If that makes sense. And the memories kinda gave the reader a break from the whole doomsday scene.

trapped inside a sphere of silence - your Idiot Orb, your Dumbass Domain. The tiny realm of hell reserved for halfwit morons who don’t evacuate when they’re told to. A voice inside your head that isn’t yours laughs. Asshole.


I kinda found the bolded bits a bit over the top? I guess my main thing with them, is why is it an "idiot" orb specifically? Why is it a "Dumbbutt" Domain? The reason for the choices in words here isn't clear, and it just kinda comes off as odd to me. Same with the "butthole" bit :P It doesn't connect in my brain- I think what's trying to be said here is that he's dumb for not getting out in time, but it still doesn't quite work, in my opinion.

You remember distantly, somewhere in the back of your mind, that this is the floor you are supposed to throw a cat out of if you want it to hit terminal velocity.


I really loved the whole cat bit. It was just so random and ridiculous, and definitely reminds me of how my BF thinks. I especially love it because I know what it feels like to randomly remember some bit of information, and not be sure where on earth you got it from!

He still hasn’t agreed to fix the tap that was already broken when you moved in...


Oh my lemony lanta. This is so true of landlords x__x why is this so true? I kid you not, the toilet lid thingy has a giant crack in it that the landlord keeps saying he's going to fix (without any prodding from me-- I don't care, it's literally an aesthetic thing) but never does, and he doesn't fix the things that I'd actually like him to fix, either! The the door knob that feels like it's literally just going to FALL OFF one day, and the light in the oven, and yeah. This was an extremely relatable bit. XP

...you finally recognise the voice. MacKenzie Porter, your second kiss.


Okay here's the thing I REALLY loved about this. I just love that the voice was connected to his life, and in such a interesting way-- like... I don't know how to explain it. But it just gave me goosebumps because usually the random voice saying whatever, is just that, a random-as-anything voice! But you actually USED it in here and it TOTALLY worked with the whole life flashing before your eyes idea you had. It was just perfect in my opinion. And I came into this thinking that this story would be just a series of boring flashbacks that were only supposed to make the reader sad but didn't work because they were so generic and boring-- but THIS was a glorious surprise. And I very much enjoyed it.

Okay but I did think there was a question that got thrown around, and one might even argue that there was an unwritten promise to answer it, and that was: Why DOES he stay in the building? Why? Whyyy? We're told throughout the piece that he was the only one that disobeyed the evacuation stuff, and stayed. But we weren't given any reason for this, and I feel like it's kind of important! :D

The other thing I wanted to mention was I did sorta feel the piece was a bit rambly at times? It was still entertaining, but ya sorta wondered throughout just how relevant the stuff that was being talked about was. And although I'm not really suggesting you change it, because I feel like that's also why I liked it(?), I still thought I should point it out. I also think the first paragraph was a little dry compared to the others, and perhaps there's something that could spice it up a bit and pull the readers in a bit more? I think the reason I wasn't a huge fan of the first paragraph is because there was quite a bit of description in it, which seemed to be the majority of it, and description in my eyes is more like the icing on the cake, rather than the cake-y foundation. If that makes any sense.

In anycase, I had a blast reading this! Keep it up!! C:

-Holysocks



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agronaa says...


Wow, thank you!




Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
— C. Northcote Parkinson