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Days Caesar Cried

by agronaa


I semi-published a chapbook recently, and this was one of the poems in it. I wrote it over a year ago and have never really been sure if it works/makes sense? I'm just too close to it I guess, was wondering if y'all could help me out.

the day rome fell
the once occupied could cry
to their heavens
thank god
and caesar in his tomb
sobbed:
good gods
have you forsaken me?
they had
they had betrayed his
memory
his trust
his legacy lives on
its protectors, now legend,
converge into one

a week later?
a century? millennia?
he does not count
anymore
the ghost of a once leader,
once greater,
rises
in the north
looks to the man who stands
to the south
a glint of silver in his hand
behind the sleek red river
cascading down a dagger
he turns to him
i’m sorry

all will be as it should
when the world has had its
anger
enough?
he will ask, tears in his eyes
tears down his face.
brutus will turn
he will move star slow
(when you exist in eternity,
seconds are nothing)
enough.


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124 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 124

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Sat Jan 12, 2019 2:56 pm
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nogutsnoglory wrote a review...



Ooh I love this a lot! The imagery is amazing. I especially loved the first part, where it talks about ceasar; the contrast of 'thank god' and 'good gods' really portrays the difference in opinion about Rome falling. And the last part, 'he will move star slow', took me a second to get but i absolutely love it. And the middle stanza, 'a glint of silver in his hand / behind the sleek red river / cascading down a dagger' is absolutely beautiful imagery. 'When you exist in eternity / seconds are nothing', absolutely love it. This was an utter delight to read, thank you, and it absolutely makes sense to me. This was amazing. Thanks.

Keep writing,

Oliver



Random avatar
agronaa says...


Wow, thank you!



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544 Reviews


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Reviews: 544

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Wed Jan 09, 2019 10:44 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hi, Shikora here with a review, on your lovely poem.

Let's get to it.

I really like this poem, it was very interesting. What drew me in to read this work was the name, As I was reading this poem I saw a few things that I would like to point out, but I'll get to that in a little wile. I think you have a really good idea here with this poem, I really enjoyed reading it. As I read it I could feel the emotion and feelings you were trying to put into it, and that's really good, it makes your reader want to keep reading. So great job.

Now down to the review.
There were a few miner things and can be fixed easily.

The fist thing I saw was that you don't have that many fall stops or commas. If you don't have any if these it won't make your poem as smooth to read, because your reader won't know ere to stop and take breath.
So I'll show you a place I think you need a comma or a full stop.

the day rome fell
the once occupied could cry
to their heavens
thank god

The letters in bold need a full stop at the end. What makes seeing these type of things easier is if you read your work out loud to yourself. and when ever you stop to take a breath then that's here you have to put a comma or a full stop.

The next this is that you don't have any capitols at all. This just makes it look a bit strange. So where ever you put the fall stops, commas or question marks, the next sentence should have a capitol letter. This will make your poem look a lot better.

Well that's it from me for now, I really liked reading and reviewing your poem, keep up the great work. I hope to see more of your works on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.

Your friend
Shikora. :D



Random avatar
agronaa says...


Thanks! I probably should go through and sort out the punctuation, hah. The no caps thing is left over from where it was originally on my weird poetry blog and I never used caps for anything because I though it looked prettier, so I'll work on that. Thanks for your time!





I'm glad I could help you out. And I hope to see more great poems from you! <3




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