The Mixtape Diaries: Do it Like You Do it To Me

It took up all my guts I had to do it. My friend, Carter, tried to talk me out of it when I gave it to him, saying that guys like him are absolutely no good.

“They’re all douche bags, it probably won’t work,” he said, and then he goes off into a rant about how stupid girls are because they go for the worst guys possible. Usually I would draw out a sharp counter argument on how nice girls get screwed over for the most bimbo-y bimbo within a five-mile radius- and believe me they’re not exactly angelic, either. But this time I didn’t, I just said, “ Just do this for me, Carter. I’ll owe you one.”

“Ok, it’s your life. But if this goes wrong, don’t say I didn’t told you so.” he replied as he took the pink card and the dollar, “I’ll hold you to that, you know”

“Yeah, I’ll be paying for pancakes, at IHOP next Saturday”

“That’s my girl,” he said as he walks over to the sophomores at the table with a sign labeled “Carnation Sale--$1”

I hate Valentine’s Day as much as the next cynic. This time of year is sickening to me, especially at this school. Couples everywhere practically pawing each other all over school like it’s going out of style. There are unproductive leeches, lying around like sacks, sucking out the last bits sanity out of this God-forsaken place. I go to the gym to practice my dancing, look up on the balcony. I see them. Go to any building after school. You find them there. I go to my locker. I see them. And sometimes they are right on my locker. I can’t get my books, which I need in order to get an education without people attached to my locker like scabs. So if I end up flunking my junior year and as a result get rejected from NYU, and be forced to go the local two-year, I’ll blame these damn couples. Then there are the other annoying things about Valentine’s Day. The headache inducing red and pink everything, the heart shaped everything, the under-clothed cherub everywhere. There are the stupid commercials, indoctrinating women to be nagging bitches to their boyfriends, passive-aggressively pressuring them to show their love by buying that $500 dollar promise ring (promise rings, really? It just says “I don’t feel like committing to you in that way so I’m buying you a ring to give you a false sense that this relationship actually has hope”). I feel bad for the guy, its either putting a hurt on your wallet or become “unexciting” and hear stuff like “you were more spontaneous when we met” and before you know it his house is cleared with nothing left except a “Dear John” letter. This is the commercialized crap that is used to indoctrinate stupid women. Take it back to high school its the school-wide carnation sale. Every year girls squeal and squirm over what color flowers they get, who gave it to them, and who didn’t. It’s really sad and vile to watch people at my school act even more stupid as usual.

The Greek God in my Math class. His name was Ezra. Definition of Ezra-a head full of un-kept wavy black hair, creamy mocha skin without a single blemish. But his single defining feature were his jade green eyes, they were honest as they were unique. I could look at them all day. He was new kid at school, a first year senior. In spite of this, he quickly gained popularity making friends with all the jock-types and being invited to their alcohol-up-to-your-knees, balcony bungee jumping, sex filled parties. The girls didn’t stay too far from Ezra either. On the first day I could see our school’s known floozies adjusting when they saw him walk in their remote vicinity: tightening their push up bra’s and pulling down their shirts a little lower, letting their thumbs hang on their belt loops (lowering their low rise jeans) in order to maximize their assets. Once he was passing him, they gave their best hair flip, and coolly hurry up to him, and nonchalantly offering impromptu tours of the school to him. I feel my stomach turn every time I see him walking with those girls, worrying that he's going to be like the pretentious assholes he's “friends” with.

Ezra is not my usual type. Scratch that. My thrift store lurking, vintage and fedora combo wearing, Pitchfork reading, song writing, the decline of music lamenting, MoveOn.org supporting, museum searching, city loving, mainstream hating, liberal, postmodern, “not a hipster”-ass, would not touch a guy like Ezra with a 100 ft pole. The guys I usually date are vegetarians in “up –and coming- ‘alternative’ bands”, who have not shaved in month, listen to NPR, and drink fair trade coffee, who are well versed in the works of Allen Ginsburg, and may or may not be on drugs and they rarely text back and their idea of a date is dining and dashing at the local dive. All of them don skinny jeans, scarves, hats, aviator shades, and t-shirts from artists from Switzerland. Ezra is the star soccer player at our school who wears American Eagle, and whose “classic” beauty makes him look like he walked out of an Abercrombie ad. Usually I shun these All-American athlete type guys because they are conventional, and every girl wants them. Not like they are not good-looking, but they don’t think outside of the box because they is usually nothing beyond their looks. Plus lead guitarists are always better kissers. When he first walked in to my math class, I berated him with mean mental comments like “who the hell does he think he is, looking like a good kid in that striped polo everyone knows you just want to bang every girl in sight, so come out with it!” and “you don’t take anything seriously, everything has been handed to you because you know how to kick a goddamn ball!” But, as I came to find out, Ezra is different from the stereotype.

These series of events started way in the beginning of the year. It was with small things I noticed about him, like the fact that he can sing. Every Friday after school I go to the music room to write songs. The room is usually empty because it’s a Friday and no one is at school. So it odd when I come to the room, I hear a voice, a really good one, might I add. Naturally, I looked through the door window, and I saw Ezra singing and dancing around the room. It was funny, but adorable at the same time, it was so amusing to me I let out a loud giggle. So loud that he heard it though the walls, which made him stop and turn around. Immediately, I ducked and ran out the hallway, getting out of the building via the most obscure route I could figure out. I did the same thing every time I see him watching me dance every Wednesday after school in the gym. It was so embarrassing. I usually pack up and leave before he could come and say anything to me. I noticed he has impeccable manners, always opening doors for people, saying “please” and “thank you”, and being a gentleman. Ezra is also very humble given all the success he has had. Most guys who have his talent, looks, and instant likeability tend to be cocky and full of themselves. But instead he is very humble and shows random displays of genuine kindness towards everyone, no matter what their group affiliation (all which is unheard of for guys like him). For example, I was skateboarding to class and I reached the stair rail I usually grind on, but I missed the jump and fell flat on my face on the stairs, my books and papers falling out my bag, my papers flying away as the wind blew and my books getting trampled on by students walking to class. Then out of nowhere I hear a voice, “Do you need help getting up?” I see an outstretched hand belonging to Ezra. Saying nothing I take his hand and he helps me up. Now that everyone was gone, I started to pick up my books and papers and put them in my bag, immediately he rushes to my side and helps me pick everything up. He hands me my papers and says, “Here’s everything I could pick up. I hope your okay”

“Thanks for the help. I’m cool”

And I get up and skateboard to my class, not looking back at him. That’s where it all started.

Usually with guys, I’m pretty confident. It was easy, talk, relate, be personable, flirt, and I have them hooked. But with Ezra I can’t sound out what I’m going to say. In class, in the hallways, in the lunchroom, I find myself flickering my eyes towards him and I smile. To get rid of the smiling, I take a sewing pin and start to pick myself lightly, hoping the pain will keep me from smiling. When we pass by each other in the hallways, I purposely look in the opposite direction. At times I see Ezra’s eyes in my vicinity, I always turn around to make sure there isn’t someone hot behind me. Carter says I need to “woman up” and come out with it, but I’m so afraid of what might happen. Honestly, what would he want with me, I’m not a preppy blonde hussy or the most gorgeous thing at the school with the mad girl-swag. When I tell my friends, they say something along the lines of “shut up, you’re gorgeous, and he’s probably intimidated by you”. Those conversations always end with me laughing my ass off.

As I realized more and more how unique he was, I realized that I couldn’t sit around and do nothing. Then conveniently there was the carnation sale. Then the idea popped into my had- send him an anonymous carnation, with the message telling him to find me. I got rushed by the carnation table and picked up a pink envelope. I wrote “From a Secret Admirer- meet me in front of the main building at 5. I gave Carter the money and the envelope. Now all was left to do was wait until Friday morning.

Friday morning rolled around. I was actually excited to get to school. On the day of the carnation sale, the class officers go around to each class last period and deliver carnations to kids they got sent to. I was anxious for last period, which happened to be Math. From the start of the day, I was anxious. I couldn’t pay attention in class; my head was filled with daydreams about all the possible outcomes of how this situation could end up. I found myself doodling more than usual, when I wasn’t doodling; I felt my hands shaking, and my palms getting sweaty. At lunch, I could barely eat due to the butterflies fluttering in my stomach. Finally last period rolled around. I quickly made my way to my seat. A couple minutes later right before the late bell rings, Ezra arrives. I see him through my peripheral vision walk to his seat next to me and gave me vacant, patient glance, before he took his seat. I tried my hardest not to look. The bell rung and class starts. 20 minutes into class there was a knock on the door. The teacher opens it, and there is Jane, the junior secretary, and Shay, the senior vice- president with a box full of carnations. They started naming people and passing out carnations.

“Alex, Kelly, Jake,” Jane called out

“Amanda, Evan, Kyle” Shay declared

Then they got to Ezra.

“Ezra, secret admirer, nice, bro” Shay said

Everyone in the classed ooed and laughed and looked over to see what my note said. All I wanted to do is put my head down in my desk, but I didn’t because if I did it would give it away, which would be worse.

“Anna”

I was petrified. Someone gave me a carnation.

After the bell I was in vertigo or something because I’m still not sure of what happened. I made it a point to rush out of the room unnoticed, not looking back at Ezra. Yes, my pink carnation was delivered to Ezra, but I have no idea what was up with the carnation sent to me. I wonder who is it, with partial curiosity and with partial disgust because the vast majority of the guys at my school suck. But what if it was Ezra, which would really be something. It has to be because he is the only one where I felt a click. It may be just me, but hey it’s worth a shot. When I got outside, I dropped my skateboard and rode all way home as fast as I can. As soon as I got back, I took a shower with some Bath & Body soap, that I haven’t used since I got it for Christmas a couple months ago, it’s a cherry blossom scent. After I take my shower, I wrap my towel and blow dry, curl my hair, and put the rollers in. I go to my room and put on my outfit that I planned the night before. It consisted of a tight black dress softened out by an off-white button down cardigan and made unique by a black fedora. I also had pattern tights, black ankle boots, gold microphone necklace, and hoop earrings. I went back to the bathroom and did my makeup. I did my eyeliner and then I pulled out my makeup a tube of racing red lipstick to really set off my piece. Once I was finished with my makeup I took the rollers out of my hair and combed the curls with my hands then I put my fedora on. I looked hot if I say so myself. It was 4:30 when I was done. I grab my bag and go. I don’t take my skateboard because it will be a little hard to ride in heels.

I got to school and I was between leaning on the door and sitting on the steps. For a second, I thought Ezra wouldn’t show up. I was about to leave when I saw him walk up so I sat down on the railing all nonchalant like. When he gets to the building he looks at me, smiles and straddles on the steps. He turns to me and says, “Hey”

“Hey,” I replied

“So you are waiting for your secret admirer too, I see”

I shrugged, “Yeah, I guess”

“Are you excited about who he is?” he asked completely shifting towards me

“Uh. I’m not sure, it depends on who this guy is,” I shoot cleverly. He laughs. “Are you exited,” I ask

“Well, no,” he said

“Why is that,” I asked quizzically turning my head to the side

“I have an idea of who it is, I think,” he said nodding his head, smiling

“Me too,” I said

“Well, whoever the lucky guy is you’re going to knock him off his socks,” he said smiling “You’re dressed to kill”

I giggled and blushed, “Thank you very much, you’re really sweet”

“I know you don’t believe me, but its true”

“Okay whatever you say, Ezra”

“I never talk to you, but I always see you singing and dancing, you’re pretty good. I always wanted to say that but you’re always gone before I get the chance”

Now I really need to tell him the truth. He’s showering me with compliments and stuff, its weird for me because I don’t see that in me and its weird that someone like him does. Now my heart is thumping, it’s the time to say something, and I know for sure that he’s worth the risk. I turn to him on the railing and said, “Ezra…”

After that I couldn’t find the sounds to mold the truth. To tell Ezra that I’m the one who sent the flower to him, that whatever girl he’s with is just as lucky as whatever guy I’m with.

“What is it?” Ezra says

“I…”

“Anna,” a voice said “I sent the carnation to you”

A rush of disappointment fell over me and when I turned around I felt it even more. Not only the carnation wasn’t from Ezra, but it was also from this freshman who is been creeping on me from the beginning of the year. Shit. I can’t reject him because it makes me look bad in front of him, if I go then Ezra gets stood up, but I have a feeling that he’ll be fine. So I get up.

“So I’ll see you around?” Ezra says

“Yeah, same place,” I winked

I walked with my date to wherever we’re going. I try to walk as far from him as I can. I turn around to Ezra. I think I going to talk to him in Math class and hopefully get to know him better.