Published August 30, 2009
The night rushed past
like words exchanged in a court.
The booze kept flowing
and I dunno what I thaught.
From my mid-day tomb
my memory lets me down;
What happened last night?
I cant help but feel that
I acted like a fuckin clown.
Draggin myself up I chuck the pills and H20
Maybe my brain will fill me in
but somehow i think it wont.
Texts keep pouring in like the vodka on the town
'Who was it?'
'Can you remember?'
I feel regret takin over, I text her askin.
No reply.
Next day and i'm back with the lads,
Now I know what i did and i'm not proud.
"Twat", "Tosser", "Think next time?"
As they say time heals.
By the next week
Its only her who stays away,
still treatin me like a freak.
Casually, I walk over and explain;
"Lifes a bitch."
"Get over it."
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,647 Literary Works • 672,642 Reviews
Hello I'm Vernon and I'll be your reviewer, now this didn't seem exactly like poetry, but nonetheless it does have poetic elements so agree with rap idea. Now, bit of advice to begin, you should only swear in a poem if it works and makes the poem more powerful.
Take away fuckin' it doesn't add anything here. Not at all, it just seems to be there for the sake of it.
From here on in, you lose the beauty you had with the first part, beauty in how it's so vague. You really should have kept it on.
A general rule of thumb in poetry, is show don't tell, you tell us everything, making it seem routine, but it ain't I hope. You need to work on using your other senses at this point, throbbing headache, the smells, what you see? Let the senses you show fill in the picture somewhat, but keep it vague.
Hope this helps.
VSN
Wow, this is such a good poem. It's seems like a rap in other's eyes but in yours it's a poem & i'll agree with you. You express emotion in the poem & i actually felt it while i read this poem.
It seems almost like a rap, but hey, that's poetry for you. Your style is your own; if anyone tells you otherwise, ignore them. No two poets will ever be alike.
One problem: "thaught" is spelled "thought". I don't care too much for the cussing, but you're the poet; it's your words.
I'll look for more later!
Hi Adameagle! I like this piece, although it doesn't really feel like poetry to me. The informal attitude makes it seem more like lyrics to a rap song or something, but that's just me.