“If you keep stealing the blankets from me, then I’m going to put my cold feet on you instead.” My mom laughs, as she pulls the blankets to her side, again.
“If your feet are that cold, then go put on some socks.” Pulling the blankets back over me. “Shouldn’t I be warm, not your feet. Besides, they can’t be that cold.” We start playing tug of war with the blanket and of course I was no match for my mom, again. She takes the blanket from me and she puts her icy feet on my back.
“My feet can’t be that cold, huh.” she says with a cruel smile on her face.
“Alright, Alright you win. Just get your feet off of me!” I yell as I sit up on the couch and move away from her feet. “I never win these things, but they are really fun.” My mom and I have always have little competitions like the tug of war with a blanket. I lose most of the time but I am okay with that.
Tonight we are sitting on the couch watching movies together. My mom, my dad and me. We get to our second movie and the tiredness hits me.
“Ok, time for bed Nigel.” she says, getting up from the couch to wake me.
“But, I’m not tired.”
“You were just asleep.”
“I was resting my eyes.”
“I’m not supposed to say this but we have a big day tomorrow. Now, go lay down and I will be there to tuck you in.” she says in her soft mom voice.
“Where are we going”, I stood up and headed for my room.
“You’ll see tomorrow.”
I am laying in my bed waiting for my mom and suddenly the bedroom door flew open. Instead of my mom tucking me in, it was my dad yelling “WE NEED TO LEAVE!”. He ran in my room, picked me up and started running towards the door with my mom to go outside. I was barely awake but I asked “What’s going on?”
“Nothing Nigel. Keep your eyes closed. Do not open them until I tell you so. Promise me!” I clench my eyes as hard as I can.
“Yes, dad.” my eyes start to water. “I promise I won’t open them.”
I can’t see anything but I smell smoke, and plenty of it. My growing curiosity took the best of me and I peek for only a few seconds. I see burning buildings and people running. I close my eyes again start crying. I should have listened.
“Where do you think you’re going?” a voice taunted. “The fun is starting!” My dad continues to run, but then he stops. I peek again for the last time and see the strange man standing in front of us.
“What do you want from us.” My dad asks, backing up slowly.
“We are here for the children.” he replies. “Now hand him over and I might consider sparing both of you. So what will it be? The easy way or the fun way.”
“Stay away from him! You will not hurt a single hair on his head!” My mom cries. I’m not opening my eyes anymore after the first couple times. I hear how sad she is by her voice and I don’t want to see her hurting. I don’t want to remember that. “If you want him, you have to get through me first. I will not let you have him without a fight.”
“So you chose the fun way? So be it.”
I don’t know what happens but all I hear is falling and screaming. “You won’t take him from me.” she cries and she keeps falling. “I have to protect him.”
I hear the man say “Is that all you got? Oh you still have some fight left in you. Let’s see how how much.”
My father puts me down to go help her and said, “Remember Nigel, no matter what, keep your eyes closed. This could get messy.” I cover my face with my sleeve to keep me from looking, but became soaked with tears. I accidently looked one more time and I see my mother laying on the floor. She wasn’t moving.
“Oh, another competitor, and just as I thought this was getting too boring. I hope you can put up more of a fight than her.” he says mockingly, almost as if he is testing me. Does he know about the promise I made with my dad? Or does he want me to see what he is doing to them? No, if he knew about the promise he would know that i broke it, three times. I know either way, my eyes are not going to open again. “You are just as pathetic as her. I thought this was going to be more fun. You might as well just go lay over there on the ground with her so at least you can die together.” It went quiet all of a sudden. I listen closer to for any movement. Then the man says “Well, that was easier than I thought. Now that they are out of the way, now let’s look at my winnings. Stop crying! You are really bringing down your value.” he says while wiping the tears off of my face. “Now, let me see your eyes.”
“No.”
“Open your eyes or I will open them for you!”
“No. I made a promise and I intend to keep it.” he slaps me. “Not like you know how to keep one.”
“Oh really, who did you make the promise to.”
“My dad.” I cried. “I promised I wouldn’t open my eyes until he said so. I won’t open them until he tells me that I can.”
“Your father is over there next to your mother. Let’s just say, they died as they lived, together. What are you going to do? Keep your eyes closed forever?” I am so angry and sad at the same time.
“If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it.” I say gritting my teeth.
“You really have to stop crying.” he says while wiping the tears off of my face again. “You’ll never pass inspection. Ha! Who am I kidding, the other kids will probably have dead parents too.” grabbing my face. “Now this is your last chance to open your eyes.” I bite his finger, punch him in the face and kick him in his ankle. I was angry and ready to let it out.
“You little brat!” he says. “You are going to regret that. If you don’t want to open your eyes, so be it!” I open my eyes but it didn’t do much good. He is standing over me with a sword and slashed my eyes. Deep enough to where I can’t see. “Now you’re coming with me. Being blind will render you useless for the normal children. We’ll use you for the special jobs.”
“You’re a monster.” I weep. “How could someone be so evil, especially to people who have done nothing wrong to you or any of the others. I will make you pay. I swear on everything you will pay!” I screamed.
“Leave him alone!” An unfamiliar voice says. “Pick on someone your own size.”
“What, what’s going on!” I yell. My feet are off the ground and there is wind in my face. Something is wrapped around my waist.
“Don’t worry, I’m taking you somewhere safe.” she replies.
“NO! Take me back to my mom! I have to see if she’s okay! I have to help her!” I start to struggle. “Take me back!”
“Stop, moving so much. I don’t want to drop you!” she tightens her grip. “There gone. They are all gone.” she weeps. Going back there will only get you killed.” I feel her tears drop on my shoulders and I calmed down, realizing that she must have had one hell of a night, too.
“I WILL GET THAT GUY!” I scream. “Even if it kills me.”
“Have you calmed down.” lowering me to the floor.
“I guess there is no use crying. I can’t anymore.” I look up to where I think she is.
“OH NO! You’re bleeding!” she examines my face. “Let’s just wrap this up. When it’s wrapped, you can’t mess with it, okay.”
“Do you just carry wrap on you or was it a coincidence that you have tonight?” I question.
“What can I say. I’m always prepared.”
“Oh ok. Than I’m in luck.” The wrap feel strange but I’ll have to get used to it.
“You’ve had a long night, now go to sleep and rest.”
“I don’t even know your name.”
“It’s Alexandria.”
“That’s too long to remember. How about I call you Alex.”
“Yeah. I like that.”
“Alex. Thank you for saving me back there.”
“You’re welcome. Now go to sleep.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi! I just want to let you know of one tiny, tiny thing. It might seem fine to others, but I'm kinda OCD (Sorry)

""I never win these things, but they are really fun.""
Could you maybe make it so that it doesn't make it look like you say that out loud? It kinda bugs me a bit. (Sorry)
Also, "We are here for the children" Children should be child.
"Oh you still have some fight left in you." Oh, you still have some fight left in you.
You also used the word weep 2 times, when they were right next to each other.
If you do this your work should be perfect!
Hiya! This seems like a very interesting novel. I do have a tiny thing.
This chapter seems to jump around a bit. You had the little boy with his parents watching a movie, then it seemed like he was rushed to bed. Then you have him rushed to bed. Soon after that he is than again rushed to the door and boom in comes a person we don't have real detail about. I think it would be better if you really detail the setting and characters.
Just something to think about! This is good though.
Hi Adam! Danni here for another review!
This is way better. I really loved this.
OK, nitpicks:
That should be peek.
Er.... that's it! Really good job.
I was really touched by the way Nigel didn't open his eyes because he didn't want to break his promise. Even under that amount of pressure, he still remained strong. What an amazing boy.
I'm intrigued by the man's mention of 'other kids.' This has the feel of a stupendous novel, and I can't wait for the next chapter. Can you tag me when it comes out?
Overall, your fixes really helped. I absolutely adored this. Exciting, mysterious, touching - what more could you want?
Best wishes,
Danni x
Thank you for the reviews. They have helped a lot
My pleasure!
I hope this version is better. Thank you for all the suggestions
Thanks for sharing this interesting story about a nightmare involving a strange man, a strangely devastated place, a threatened little girl, concerned parents and what appears to be a helpful entity mistaken for an angel. The introduction with the mother and daughter playfully tugging the bedsheets seems to promise something other than the sudden violence introduced. To be honest, as a reader I felt as if I had been wrenched from one mood to another too quickly. So perhaps a gradual blending is better.
But still, my interest in what would happen next remained strong. That's because, as a reader I imagined that this new mood was to be the predominant one and I could settle in to follow the details.
So I was a bit taken aback once more when it was all suddenly dismissed as a mere dream, and a blissful mood of wonder is introduced instead. In short, although my interest was being hooked, my motive to continue reading was being continually shifted by sudden scenario mood-changes until the interest became what the author was going to do next with the story.
But of course as writers, that is not why a we want the reader to continue. We want the reader to feel concern for the main character and wonder what happens next. We certainly don't want the reader worrying about suddenly being wrenched around again via scenario mood swings. So since the story is indeed interesting, I would take those sudden shifts in the story-moods into serous consideration.
The final statement of a mystery seems to be be author talking to the reader.
In any case, the story has great potential. All that is needed is to slow it down and have the main characters gradually introduced. After all, if this is indeed the first chapter of an entire novel, then that is what the introductory chapters are supposed to be about.
Hang on, how was this dismissed as a dream? I mean it might be but it is never mentioned in the story.
The entire story was not dismissed as a dream. But the part that followed the bedsheets-tugging scene you tagged as a dream. Right?
This was never meant to be taken as a dream. I am currently rewriting the chapter so it becomes a little more clearer as to what is going on. Thanks for the advice.
This chapter was a little confusing and you had a sentence jump "we there was a voice and we were stopped in our tracks." Overall this chapter was very interesting and complex but it was quite confusing and it jumped from idea to idea. The death of the parents were very sudden and the first two or three paragraphs were very choppy and not well put together. But the middle and the ending was quite refreshing from the cruelty of the mystery man and the death of his parents. Overall I give this chapter a 6.5 out of 10.
Thank you. I plan to re-do this chapter and now i know how to fix it.
Your welcome, I hope I wasn't too harsh.
Nope. I knew this needed fixing. You both really helped me out.
Hi Adam! Danni here for a #SadPanda review!
First off, WHOA DUDE PLOT HOLES. This chapter is far too rushed. So many things happen with little or no explanation between them.
First off, Angel Girl. If I was Nigel, I would be screaming WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED WHO IS THAT GUY WHY IS HE DOING THIS WHAT HAS HAPPENED STOP TAKE ME BACK TO MY PARENTS TAKE THEM AS WELL NO STOP PLEASE WHAT ABOUT MY PARENTS I CAN'T LEAVE THEM NO, not having a calm conversation with Angel Girl. Either this boy is utterly heartless and hates his parents, or the writing is just too messed up to believe.
Secondly, dude slow down. This chapter is waaaaaaaaaaaay too rushed. It's like me writing this story:
Jane and Penny went to the shops. Jane screamed and shot the man with her bow and arrow. Bertie ran to take Jane away, leaving Penny with the sea monster.
That was an exaggerated version, but it does show you need to slow down and add some more description.
The man just appears out of nowhere. No description. Just a random 'he drops down' in the middle of the paragraph.
You switched tense in the middle of a paragraph. The one where Nigel bites the strange man. BEWARE OF THAT. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. DO NOT DO THAT.
Finish off your sentences, mate.
Overall, definitely not the best chapter I've ever read. I did like the general idea though. 4/10. Can you tag me in the next instalment? If not, I'll look out for it. Just think about what I said. My biggest problem was the way Nigel doesn't care about his parents. He's not scared of the man. You might come back to me and say, duh he is, but how do I know that? I'm not psychic. You need to show proper emotion in your work, and Nigel doesn't feel any emotion in this. If he loves his mom so much, why isn't he upset that they're either leaving her to the mercy of the man or she's dead? Just think about that.
Room for improvement,
Danni x
Thank you. I knew that there were problems but i didn;t know how to fix it. Turns out all i needed was another person who knows how to write. This chapter was never meant to be the final but i was stuck... so again thank you.
You're welcome, and I'm sorry if my review was harsh.
Not at all. That's what i was looking for. I plan to re-do this chapter.
Sure, sounds good!