Published January 15, 2013
When I was a little girl, I had always loved the sea. I was blessed to live close to it, to smell its salted breeze and feel its damp wind against my face. My family used to own a small restaurant, right down by the water's edge. Its frosted glass windows looked out upon the vast currents of the Atlantic
Now that building is abandoned, nothing but an empty shell. The once light and lively tavern is now an old run-down dust heap. It is inside this old building that I sit, my head in my arms, silent tears streaming down my cheeks. Sorrow and anger pool up inside me, surging as violently as the ocean it's self.
He's gone.
We had recieved the letter yesterday. Sent all the way from the battle grounds. The letter of Death, the very words on the official paper reeking of the phrase.The letter of course, had been delivered to his family, I was told only hours ago. Told that the love of my life had been shot. Killed in a second. No time to say goodbye.
It is here, inside this old restaurant that we both used to work in, that I cry for him, and say my silent farewell.
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140,596 Literary Works • 673,545 Reviews
Hello!
I liked the main concept. But the story was quite confusing by the third (If you overlooked He's gone) paragraph. Who is "he", exactly? Maybe a bit more description will help. The first two paragraph was amazing. The third one, for me, has gone a little bit astray to the point. But all in all, I LURVE it!
Happy writing!
The idea behind the story is brilliant, but I think the execution was little off.
These sentences just seemed a bit awkward:
"When I was a little girl, I always loved the sea."
And Maybe this is just personal preferences but here:
"killed in a second,
no time to say goodbye"
I think a period mark should have followed "second", rather than a comma.
Tense correction, (Keep in mind I'm not very good at this, just trying to make the story flow smoother):
"We had gotten the letter yesterday"
It should probably be:
"We got the letter yesterday"
Also here:
"that I cry for him...and say my silent farewell"
Ellipses in the middle of dramatic sentences, a big mistake, darling. It takes you away from the beauty of that sentence, and it just makes you stop and shake your head.
Over all, a good effort, but not a very perfect execution.
Keep writing, you've got talent, just need a little polishing, is all.
Sherlock.
thank you for your feed back! I'll definitely take it into account.
O.OVery deep! I loved it!
Although, maybe a different name like 'The Pools Of Memories' or something would've sounded better as a title.
yeah I was a little lost for titles when I posted it. Do you know if you can go back and change them?
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It does help. Thank you very much for the feed back!
Lovely short story, I feel the pain of the character. I can give nothing to you to make it better! Its perfect!!
aww thank you, I'm glad you liked it!