Young Writers Society

I'm aroace. I have tried denying it for so long. The ace part was always a part of me that I understood, at least for the past few years, but the aro part? I'd rather set my soul aflame then see another happy couple again. My heart desires that connection. That close connection where both people, or multiple people, feel those butterflies and the redness of their cheeks when their partner(s) enter the room. I want to experience a crush on somebody instead of having to fake having one, so I fit in. I see happy couples and crave that same relationship. I crave that same desire they do. I see attractive people and I get excited, thinking that I have finally found that person who will become my crush, but it's just another squish. AroAce seems so simple, until it isn't. I would rather die than live the rest of my life wandering aimlessly for a relationship I know will never come. I wish I could have a romantic relationship. I see people who have been in happy relationships for years, but I can never understand why. I need to feel that connection someday. I see happy couples and I feel my soul slowly start cracking like a porcelain doll that's been mistreated for so long that is just slowly starts breaking. I get nervous around new people and think it's a crush, but it's just me being scared they will think poorly of me if I be myself around them, it's just another platonic crush, just another squish. I described that term to someone, and they said it sounded like a slur, and another crack formed on my soul. My soul is already so broken so early on in life but I want someone to put it back together will glue and affection. Love is so hard to find and everyone acts like I need fixing. Maybe my heart is just incapable of giving it's parts away again since I've done it so many times. Maybe my heart is just the missing piece of me. Maybe that's why I hate looking at the mirror everyday. Cause if I can't love someone, why would anyone ever love me?