Agh, I haven't been able to write much lately. I've got something like a cross between a brain freeze and writer's block. I got this one off the top of my head...
Enjoy :]
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Those light summer days passed
Like apple tart and crème brulee,
The crumbs of which sat on chipped plates
Those light summer days passed
Like apple tart and crème brulee,
The crumbs of which sat on chipped plates
Atop a checkered tablecloth,
Flashing red and white,
Underneath a mango tree,
Which we climbed at our own perils,
Often bargaining a ripe mango
In exchange for a scraped knee.
We bore the pain, as sweet, yellow, juice
Dribbled down our chins
And fell onto the tips of the tall, green grass.
Afterwards, our noses found
The hazy smell of barbecue
That tainted the delicate evening breeze
As we ran, barefoot, in a rowdy game of soccer,
Across overgrown grass and weeds
And occasional sloppy puddles of mud,
Which splattered across our faded jeans;
We screamed in victory even after we lost.
And when we bathed our feet
In the shallows of a rippling pond
We found our shoes waiting faithfully
At the water’s edge
In the night we laid underneath the mango tree
Hand in hand;
We wore mile wide eight year-old grins
And if you looked closely,
You’d find, on the edges of our pink lips,
The crumbs of an apple tart.
And when we sighed contentedly,
You’d find, on our breath,
The sweetness of crème brulee
As it swirled into the summer night air.
The sweetness of crème brulee
As it swirled into the summer night air.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey Ace!
Here as requested. I'm going to do a line-by-line, and then I'll comment about it in general.
Really the only problem you had was being consistent with punctuation. I noticed you tried to punctuate as you would with prose for most of it, but it kind of went off in parts, so I fixed according to that. If you wanted, you could play with not capitalizing the first letter of every line, but just the first letter of every sentence. That might help it achieve a lighter flow, since this poem reads very light and airy already.
I like all the little things you put in here like bargaining for mangos and the shoes waiting faithfully.
You used description pretty well in my opinion--not being too sparse and overbearing with it--and you used senses to get the message across that it's basically a memory. It shows how vivid they remember times past. I like.
I also like how you brought the end back to the beginning without making it sound cheesy.
So, yeah, in the future, just be consistent with how you punctuate.
Thanks for the read! I enjoyed!
-Vana
Hello there
This was a very likable poem. I think the way you mixed up the different flavours to accompany your message was just so creative. I liked how original this was and basically the mood you set, very romantic. You most definitely have a way with your words because this was well written and I would not change anything except for the spelling error.
Good job
Those light summer days passed
keep writing!
Like apple tart and crème brulee,
The crumbs of which sat on chipped plates
Atop a checkered tablecloth,
Flashing red and white,
Underneath a mango tree,
The tree we climbed at our own perils
Often bargaining a ripe mango
In exchange for a scraped knee.
We bore the pain, as sweet, yellow, juice
Dribbled down our chins
And fell onto the tips of the tall, green grass
Afterwards, our noses found
The hazy smell of barbequeBarbecue
That tainted the delicate evening breeze
As we ran, barefoot, in a rowdy game of soccer,
Across overgrown grass and weeds
And occasional sloppy puddles of mud,
The mud that splattered across our faded jeans,
We screamed in victory even after we lost
And when we bathed our feet
In the shallows of a rippling pond
We found our shoes waiting faithfully
At the water’s edge
In the night we laid, underneath the mango tree
Hand in hand;
We wore mile wide eight year-old grins
And if you looked closely,
You’d find, on the edges of our pink lips,
The crumbs of an apple tart,
And when we sighed contentedly,
You’d find, tainting our breath,
The sweetness of crème brulee,
As it swirled into the summer night air.
No stanza's, this should be organized into stanzas, and missing a lot of grammer, I found one spelling mistake. Besides that it's good