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White and Gold

by abdullah786


The pond, so tranquil, so still

Reflections, the longing, the thrill

Nemesis did me no wrong

Indulging in the beautiful still

The beauty I behold

Tells me the stories untold

For what better answers can I find

Than from these flowers of gold

You are what I am

And what I am, so are you

Never have I come to terms

With something as raw and as true

And so I dive into the lake

I'd kill myself for the truth

I'd bleed myself till I wither

I will, won't you?


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Points: 364
Reviews: 2

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Tue Jul 12, 2016 10:28 pm
ACLoughery wrote a review...



Hi, I may be rather biased in my review because I love the original story of Echo and Narcissus but I really liked this poem. You used many of the important points from the story such as the lake and Narcissus' curiosity and arrogance very well. I especially love how you subtly referred to the daffodils which are an iconic symbol in the original story. I also liked your simple flowing poem structure which allowed it to be read and digested quickly.

However I do believe that there were a few negatives in your poem. Firstly, the rhyme scheme which at first seemed fine (except for the fact you used the word "still" twice within the one quatrain) but later you seemed to forget about it as the final four lines don't rhyme at all.

Also I personally wasn't able to figure out if this poem was from Echo or Narcissus' point of view at first and then when I figured out that it was from Narcissus' point of view I found myself disappointed to realise that Echo played no part in the poem (however please understand that this is just a personal gripe).

Overall I would still say that this was a very good first poem and would be especially enjoyable to those who are familiar with the story.




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Sun Apr 17, 2016 7:30 am
BookOholic22 wrote a review...



Hey abdullah786! I am bookoholic22 here for a review..
First of all *claps* for your work. It is not easy to write a poem. A poem is a collection of thoughts and feelings. Now before i write my review, something really important for a writer 'never get dissapointed'
Now moving on to my review. Though i am in love with poems that rhyme and i started liking free verse poem too. But your poems seemed to have broken flow in some parts.
One more thing. Could you tell me why you decided for the title to be 'white and gold'

Now moving on to punctuations and capitalisation..
It should so like this-
The pond, so tranquil, so still
Reflections, the longing, the thrill
Nemesis did me no wrong
Indulging in the beautiful still
The beauty I behold
Tells me the stories untold
For what better answers can I find
Than from these flowers of gold
You are what I am
And what I am, so are you
Never have I come to terms
With something as raw and as true
And so I dive into the lake
I'd kill myself for the truth
I'd bleed myself till I wither
I will, won't you?

Hey abdullah786! I am bookoholic22 here for a review..
First of all *claps* for your work. It is not easy to write a poem. A poem is a collection of thoughts and feelings. Now before i write my review, something really important for a writer 'never get dissapointed'
Now moving on to my review. Though i am in love with poems that rhyme and i started liking free verse poem too. But your poems seemed to have broken flow in some parts.
One more thing. Could you tell me why you decided for the title to be 'white and gold'

Now moving on to punctuations and capitalisation..
It should so like this-
The pond, so tranquil, so still(,)
(r)eflections, the longing, the thrill(.)
Nemesis did me no wrong(,)
(i)ndulging in the beautiful still(.)
The beauty I behold(,)
(t)ells me the stories untold(.)
For what better answers can I find(,)
(t)han from these flowers of gold(.)
You are what I am(,)
(a)nd what I am, so are you(.)
Never have I come to terms(,)
(w)ith something as raw and as true(.)
And so I dive into the lake(,)
I'd kill myself for the truth(.)
I'd bleed myself till I wither(.)
I will, won't you?
And should i tell you what was my favourite paragraph in this beautiful piece!
The last four lines beautifully writen by you. So much deep feelings in those four lines! (Great)
Before leaving, just want to say one thing..
Remember- Critisicm does not count, but feelings does..
Waiting for more from yours. And sorry if i felt harsh somewhere.
Keep writing and stay motivated.
Overall your poem was a great one! The little errors can be sorted out easily..
~bookoholic22




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Sat Apr 16, 2016 5:02 pm
Yitzu says...



I like your flow here, much better than I could do at writing a poem. Although, I agree with Savy about the unclear image being created and how exactly it relates to within the voice and it confuses me.

Everything else, other than the improvement I know will come, it's wonderful.

Yours truly, Yitzu.




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Sat Apr 16, 2016 4:10 pm
passenger wrote a review...



Aloha ~

To begin, I want to say that I'm not entirely sure what this is about. You've written a lot of verse that seems almost nonsensical, and you've worded most of that verse awkwardly, making it difficult to read and to comprehend. Now, while I say that (and sorry in advance if anything I say seems discouraging; I assure you that discouragement is definitely not my intention), I do think I may know (some of?) what you're getting at with this.

The pond, so tranquil, so still
Reflections, the longing, the thrill
Nemesis did me no wrong
Indulging in the beautiful still


So, you begin talking about the pond, and about the tranquility of the water. Then you start associating the reflection in the pond with "longing" and "thrill", which confuses me a little, seeing that there's no context. Does your reflection elicit longing and thrill? Are you looking in the pond and seeing the longing and thrill on your own face? You almost don't use enough words to give us any kind of clarification/hints as to what you're actually talking about. The only thing you really give us is the vague reference to Narcissus's story in your description. But take the description of the poem away, and you're left with a disjointed mess of words that don't seem to make sense together.

And then suddenly you throw in a reference to the god Nemesis, before saying that he has done you no wrong. Someone who isn't familiar with the story might ask, "what does your nemesis have to do with anything?" To appeal to a larger audience, you might need to throw in some kind of hint to the true identity of "Nemesis." Treat your poem like a story. You, as the writer, know what's supposed to happen, but the challenge is revealing the plot in the correct order so that it makes sense to your reader. Also, from my memory of the story, Nemesis was the agent of Narcissus's downfall, as he inflicted a punishment on Narcissus for his vanity. So you saying that Nemesis has done nothing to the narrator is misleading, unless you're taking your poem down a different route than that of the myth.

The beauty I behold
Tells me the stories untold
For what better answers can I find
Than from these flowers of gold


"The beauty I behold" seems like awkward phrasing. I would change it to "the beauty I hold" or something like that.

The rest of this stanza is very unclear. You're saying that some so-called "untold stories" (what stories?) are being told by your beauty. What? And then you say that you can find answers from golden flowers. I don't know how flowers are going to give you any answers.

At this point, I'm not sure if the narrator is Narcissus, or someone else. That's a problem; the reader should know the identity of the speaker.

You are what I am
And what I am, so are you
Never have I come to terms
With something as raw and as true


Who's "you"? Your reflection? If so, then why is your reflection "raw and true"? I assume there're answers to these questions; they're just not apparent in your work. In my eyes, they are not present at all. The great thing in poetry is that ambiguity is accepted and not all questions have to be answered, but your reader also shouldn't be totally lost. They should have at least a vague sense of what they're reading.

-->> On another note, you switch rhyme patterns here. For the first two stanzas, you rhyme lines 1,2, and 4, but in the last two stanzas, you're only rhyming lines 2 and 4. This obstructs the flow of your verse, so I would recommend that you create a consistent rhyming pattern throughout the poem.

And so I dive into the lake
I'd kill myself for the truth
I'd bleed myself till I wither
I will, won't you?


I actually like the first two lines of this stanza, just because they install some kind of clarity to who the narrator is and what they're doing. However: "I'd bleed myself till I wither." How does one "bleed themselves"? Do you mean that they want to bleed out? Even if you do. In my opinion, the imagery of drowning in the pond, and that of bleeding to death are two extremes that clash violently. I would find something else to put in place of the bleeding verse.

"I will, won't you?" This last line brings me to the conclusion of my review. You're asking the reader if they would die to find the truth, which is somewhat ironic, seeing that you'll take whatever truth you discover to the grave. Literally. I think the irony gives your work some character, which is good.

However, I want you to reconsider what you're trying to say with this piece, where you're speaking from, and who you're speaking to. These are probably three of the most important things that you need to consider when writing anything. If you're doing a take of the Narcissus story, then I, personally, want to see more of a connection between your work and the myth. There should be a closer relationship between you and the narrator; you should know who they are enough to write their perspective in a way that's relatively easy for the reader to grasp.

I hoped this review helped somewhat. With some revisions, this could have the potential to be an interesting piece. Once the murky waters are a little more clear, I'd like to have a second read of this.

Best of wishes
Savvy



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abdullah786 says...


I wrote it from Narcissus's point of view - by trying to put on his shoes. The first stanza describes the pond or lake that Narcissus was looking into and how he felt thrilled and captivated by his own stationary reflection. If I was in his place, and I had been beholding such beauty in my reflection, I wouldn't have thought Nemesis had done me any wrong - even though most people think that I'd been suffering all along.

In the next stanza too I'm describing my reflection as the beauty I behold - I'm basically disassociating the reflection from the source. Keep in mind that this is just my take and you are free to disagree with it! As you might know, Narcissus, the flower, has a gold centre and they grow in a way around the lake in a drooping fashion; the last two lines were a reference to that.

I explain what I find beautiful in myself - what I find attractive in myself in the third stanza. Here I am reassociating my reflection to myself. No reason, I was just experimenting.

The last stanza finds me in a state where I just can't get enough of myself! So I reach the point where I'd do anything to be with my reflection. And I hope my reflection will do the same as I drown for him. The bleeding part was to give the stanza more weight but I agree that it is weak.

I'd already said in the description that this was my take on Narcissus.

But thanks! I really appreciate your criticism!



passenger says...


Hello again.

You'll see that earlier in my review, I commented on how, if I had not read the description of your poem, then I wouldn't have known any of what you were trying to communicate in your work. The poem should speak for itself; that's all I was trying to say.

Thank you for the clarification on what you meant; unfortunately I don't think that everyone reading your poem is going to get an essay description on what it's about.

And I do not "disagree" with anything you've written; I just think that the message could have been communicated in a different / better fashion. I was trying to help you to improve your work, not to get you to accept my opinions or change whatever direction you originally wanted to take this in.

Sorry if you misinterpreted or misread my review, and I hope you have a nice day!



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Sat Apr 16, 2016 3:38 pm
MeherazulAzim16 wrote a review...



Hi Abdullah!

Great to meet you!

-It was a pretty nice poem. There were a few things you might want to think about. I think you forgot to put commas at the end of the lines. Or maybe you just wanted to make it different! If yes then why did you capitalize those words?

-Your rhythmic sense is very good! No doubt!

-I liked the way you ended it :-)

Keep it up!

Yours,
-16




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Sat Apr 16, 2016 3:26 pm
Abhipsa wrote a review...



Hello, I am Abhipsa here for a review.

I liked your rhyming sense. It was a really delightful poem to read and disappointing because you ended it so quickly.

Another thing I would mention is that from your description it didn't seem that you were going to narrate Narcissus' feelings, or perhaps I didn't think so. But you did it in a wonderful way. You could have made it more interesting by adding something about Narcissus realizing his mistake of deeply hurting Echo. But that is only a suggestion.

Altogether it was a nice work.

Keep writing! :)





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