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My Wish

by abachmann

My Wish

Is that my future will not be lived in a world devastated by war, climate change, sexism, racism, or hate.

My wish

Is to live in a world, where I can change things

Where my voice is not drowned out by my elders

By those older, more powerful, and wealthier

than I

Because sometimes

My thoughts and wisdom, can be more powerful than theirs

My Wish

Is that I am not studying for a future I might not have

My Voice Is Powerful

And it will be heard

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User avatar
105 Reviews

Points: 2247
Reviews: 105

Sun Jan 26, 2020 12:58 am
LZPianoGirl wrote a review...

**My Thoughts**

Loved this piece! It was absolutely spectacular! Hey, LZ here with a review.

**Formatting and Grammar**

I liked the formatting, it was very simple and neat. I liked how you bolded the last line, it made it stand out, it made it... pop! As for grammar, I didn't catch anything!

**Punctuation and Capitalization**

As for punctuation, I only caught one thing. In the line:

"My thoughts and wisdom, can be more powerful than theirs"

You don't need the comma in this sentence, it's not necessary. For capitalization, I didn't catch anything. Great job!


I don't think I've used this category before, so here we go. This poem has a great message, that you will not be silenced. It is a very serious poem, especially this line:

Where my voice is not drowned out by my elders

Very serious. Though, I did think "ok boomer" after this line.

**Quick Review**

Great poem! There was one punctuation mistake.

Keep on writing, have a happy review day and a great rest of the month!

User avatar
108 Reviews

Points: 7830
Reviews: 108

Sun Jan 26, 2020 12:14 am
neptune wrote a review...

Hello there!

So I thought the description of this work that you gave was interesting - you mentioned "discovering yourself" necessary prior to making a change - however, I feel like you could have dived into that concept further? It was nice to explore all the hopes/wishes the speaker has for the future and world, however, I didn't really get a grasp as to the connection of "discovering yourself". I feel like tying back to that idea would have overall concluded this a little smoother.

I liked the dynamic and general outline of this; we start off with some wishes/hopefulness, then that carries to a realization, and ends with a sense of determination/confidence in oneself. I definitely think that this outline is a strong structure for your piece, and I think each stanza/section deserves a little more meat to it. I finished this wanting just a little more something between the several parts - it's somewhat vague and it wouldn't hurt to be a little more specific/give some examples (which is a good opportunity to include some imagery)!

Something that I struggled to understand was the use of some of your commas - I felt as though a few of them were a bit unnecessary:

Is to live in a world, where I can change things

My thoughts and wisdom, can be more powerful than theirs

I feel like these commas cause awkward pauses in the writing. This creates room to mess with the flow of the writing as a whole, and I think that taking them out might make for a simpler read.

Overall, I love the message and concept of this. I feel that the context applies very much so to how some people feel today. The speaker's voice is very strong and certain which I feel impacts the reader as well.

I hope I offered some helpful pointers/ideas of how you could improve! Let me know if you have any questions or comments, I'd love to hear them! Hope to see more of your writing! :)

I see no reason to celebrate the random timing of natural events by eating poison and singing.
— Dilbert