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frayed imagination

by aamiya

Because what you lacked in creativity you made up with a frayed imagination and eccentricity.

You would degrade your entire being into cut off sentences and years spent in alternate realities.

Your existence was as mundane as the next person's. But

you couldn't

you wouldn't

resign yourself to such hollowness.

You were and continue to be a parasite but that one time you immortalised two haggard twins into your barely beating heart.

You were a vacancy that acted as a vacuum.

You continue to be a vacancy. 

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212 Reviews

Points: 18356
Reviews: 212

Sat Jan 28, 2017 10:45 am
ScarlettFire wrote a review...

Hi there, Aamiya! My name is Scarlett and I'm here to review you poetry today. ^^

First off, I feel like the way you've set this out just hinders the poem itself. It could have been set out a little better. There's no stanzas, and it kinda looks like a sloppy hunk of text, with very little care as to the placement of paragraphs or lines, or where you you split up the lines.

That being said, I find the topic of this poem interesting. I just think you could have set it out better. I suggest that maybe you rethink your line splits and the layout of a typical poem. Poetry has rules, yes, but that can be broken. I don't think breaking the traditional poetry rules has helped you very much here. For example, that first line? That could be two lines. Like this;

Because what you lacked in creativity
you made up with a frayed imagination and eccentricity.

That looks much better, right? And I think you get the idea with splitting up that second line. The next part looks good, except for that first line. I think you could work this better. Let's take a quick look at it...

Your existence was as mundane
as the next person's. But
you couldn't
you wouldn't
resign yourself to such hollowness.

Perhaps something like this? Looks better now, right?

The line after that above section is another example of something that perhaps needs to be spread out over several lines. I'm not going to give you an example because I'm sure you have the idea by now. ^^

One part I do like is the last two lines. They could be set apart from the rest as a couplet. A couplet, essentially, is a two-line stanza. I might even change that period after vacuum to a semicolon. That is this symbol, ; .

Now, you could expand on this a bit. As it is now, it appears to be a train of thought poem. That's not a bad thing, it's just something that may need a little more structure, if that makes sense?

Overall, I find the imagery lacking. The flow is stunted by the lack of line breaks and stanzas, and the lack of imagery. You've got an okay start here, but you could make it so much better. And all you need to do it look at some other poetry to see how its structured, and maybe expand on this theme. More description! More imagery! Better structure! I hope this reviews helps you to improve your poetry. I also hope that I wasn't too harsh. I did enjoy the poetry, even though a few things didn't gel right for me.

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!


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737 Reviews

Points: 7258
Reviews: 737

Mon Jan 23, 2017 6:11 pm
CaptainJack wrote a review...

Hey there aamiya and welcome to YWS. Just guessing this is your first piece to post in the green room so great job making it this far. I won't be here for long because my break is nearly over.

Some First Thoughts
1. Your poem is a bit short and not that there's anything wrong with that but I just don't think you added in enough subject matter to make it worth the reader's while. The lines don't send across any new emotion after the opening line and the topic is such that you need strong emotions in short spaces. This is a sort of love/romance poem I think (bit more on that if I have the time) but I'm not feeling any sort of regret or sadness from the descriptions enclosed. The narrator is stating their thoughts from a distracted point of view and that then distracts the reader from the bases of the poem.
2. The formatting of the lines is also a bit funky and if you're splitting the lines up like this, I would recommend maybe to center it. If you did it that way, the shorter repetition lines wouldn't look so far out of place. I mean this is just an outside opinion on your creative style so you don't really need to pay that much attention to me.

A Couple More Thoughts
1. Well actually only one more thought. The subject matter here to me is a bit confusing because it starts out like a sort of regretful poem about a past romance before taking a turn towards the narrator being happy for escaping. Like they escaped the grasps of this person who hurt them but now they're starting to let blame fall on to themselves. I'm not really sure which perspective to take on this because of the twisted web spun by the words. And I can't tell if you're talking from experience of depression after a break-up or if this is mostly fictional. Maybe try to find a way to make the message of the lines more clear.

Nothing Left
1. Okay I'll be going now because my break has been over for two minutes and I really need to get back to schoolwork instead of avoiding it.
Good luck on your future poems and good day to you.

Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant