opening draft of my story

Very interesting introduction.You describe it in a way that draws the reader right in. Takes is back to when we wee kids and our imaginations had us trembling under our bed sheets fearing every shadow in the room or any creak that the building might utter.
I will assume that nobody’s home except the two brothers since they are screaming.
Why did you choose the name Zotara as a boy’s name? Seems more appropriate for a female. I found that a bit distracting.


Suggestions based on the assumption this is not an attempt at flash fiction but a longer type of story where characterization can slowly take place:

1. The introduction should be much longer and familiarize us with the personalities of Jake and his brother. Otherwise the reader won't care when Jake or his brother are in fear nor even if they get their throats slit. Fill them out with distinct personalities. Show us their inner thoughts. Their concerns, their aspirations, their personality quirks. How they usually relate to one another and only occasionally hint that their might be a monster in the house.

Then and only then will the event that you just described have an impact that you are striving for. Only then should this chapter appear and only after the tension has been slowly increased to a crescendo by having Jake hear sounds, and worry. Perhaps tell his parents who don't believe him. Then gradually reveal the danger. Otherwise the story might be over before it begins and the writer is left with little to do but describe a rampage.

2. Try not to use the same dialogue tags repeatedly. In fact, sometimes they aren’t needed at all since the reader can be expect to know who’s talking. What I found a bit confusing was who was speaking. Make absolutely sure that the reader knows who the speaker is.

Here is my editing of the composition as it stands now:

“What do you want?” Zotara moaned as his little brother violently shook him awake.

“I need you to kill the monster under my bed[,]” he whispered [fearfully].

Zotara grabbed his phone from his bedside table. It was three-twenty in the morning.

“You have got to be kidding[,]” he said [while] attempting to go back to bed.

“Zotara if you don’t kill him he’ll kill you[,]” Jake whispered.

Desperate to go back to sleep[,] [Zotara] slid off his bed and [walked] towards his [little] brother[‘]s room.

“Where’s your sword?[]” Jake said in a whispered scream.

“I’m not getting my sword just to kill some imaginary monster!” Zotara [shouted].

“It’s not imaginary!Listen to me for once in your life!” []

Tears started to trickle down his [little brother’s] face. “What is wrong with you?[]” Zotara [shouted]. Jake quickly put his index finger on his lips, his body started to tremble. Suddenly he became still.

“He’s here.” he whispered.

It happened in the blink of an eye, one second [Jake’s big] brother was trembling in fear, the next his jugular had been slit. There were spurts of warm blood trickling down his throat as he [struggled] to breathe. Then his brother’s body collapsed to the floor.

hey, your piece here is really interesting and exciting, and it was kind of unexpected too. it is easy to read and captivating, I would just suggest that you let the story guide the characters instead of the other way around, and focus on character building.

It's incredible! Sucked in within the first few seconds! It's incredible how much happened in such little time yet with perfect transition. And in harsh honesty I got irritated when It ended! Only two paragraphs?! I'm not sure if I can be of any actual help because I'm not on often but I can try my best. If you would like you can see my work. (singular because i just joined) I can try however and keep up the incredible work.
The only part I have a question about is: Who is Sean? Its says just after Jake screamed for Zotara to "listen to [him] for once!" then "Sean" says "What's wrong with you?!" I'm not sure if it's a simple mistake, or i missed a detail. (More likely the latter).
Incredible detail! and go ahead and leave me an email at jaymeburrows@lawtonstu.org

Hey there! It's MJ, here for a short review

One thing that I thought it important to mention is that every time a new character speaks, you should start a new paragraph. This will make your story consist of mostly short and choppy paragraphs, and although I don't know if I have the availability to help you co-author, I am willing to help give you some stylistic and grammar tips. Email isn't the best platform for me, but we can use a WFP if you want. PM me if you're interested.

I'll be perfectly honest with you, so please don't take this the wrong way. Everybody has to start somewhere, and your willingness to work with someone to improve your writing style is admirable and will definitely lead you to great things.

There is quite a bit of work to be done as far as grammar, description, plot, and just not rushing things. This is only about 100 words, and you could very easily stretch this out to over 2,000 words if you just added more detail. It feels very choppy and rushed, and again, if you want to work with me on that, PM me and I'll set up a WFP.

Here is a quick version of how I would edit this, without a lot of editions and still in the very early stages of drafting.

Hey there Zotara, welcome to deviant art! ^-^

Horror really isn't my genre, but I will give it a shot.

For one, I think the idea of the monster under the bed being real is very intriguing. The fact that it killed someone is even more so.

I do however have some critique.

The biggest thing that stood out to me was all the screaming and how quickly the mood escalated. Also, who is Sean?

I would suggest an edit along these lines:

“Where’s your sword?!” Jake said in a whispered scream.
“I’m not getting my sword just to kill some imaginary monster!” He was angry now.
“It’s not imaginary!Listen to me for once in your life!” Jake's screams were desperate. Tears started to trickle down his face.
“What is wrong with you?!” Zotara screamed. (I'm guessing Sean is Zotara.)

This way, the dialogue is easy to keep track of, the mood grows at a slightly more organic pace, and there isn't nearly so much screaming.

Well, that's all I have for now! There are a few grammar nitpicks but grammar isn't my strong suit.

Keep writing!!!