Published January 10, 2008
NOTE: This is the first paragraph of a short story I'm writing. It is by no means perfect, and I left my notes/word choices in. But let me know what you think and I'll post the next bit (which needs some more work).
A cannonball struck The Rose. The Captain emerged from a pile of debris, brushing stray shards from her shoulder. Through the smoke of the cannons and guns, she saw the enemy boarding her ship. “Prepare to engage!” she ordered to her disorganized crew. Captain drew her sword and pointed it toward The Urchin. Her burly crew hurried after her as she met the attackers. Side stepping bodies and pieces of wreckage, she fought the enemy. Her trusty sword tore through skin and bone; her pistol sang with deadly aim. The Captain spun around, neatly decapitating the last foe near her. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and saw him waiting for her. He smirked from his ship and drew his sword. It shone in the sun’s fading rays(light), clean and sharp. “How nice, you kept it clean just for me.” she said and discarded her empty pistol.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,275 Literary Works • 673,078 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay well this is certainly a pretty interesting paragraph. As far as the first paragraphs of first chapters go, since those are usually the most important ones, I do have to start out by saying that this one is a bit too big. Its not necessarily the size per see, this one isn't quite large enough to be one of those unreadable walls of text, but there is a bit more than just one or two things going on here and having all of that crammed into just the one paragraph stifles the flow of this piece so splitting this up a bit would do this some good here.
Now besides that situation, we do have quite an interesting paragraph here. It seems like a simple enough naval battle of sorts and you've introduced us to that quite well. We also get a glimpse towards what sort of character this captain happens to be and she proves to be pretty interesting too from the little that we get to see and on the whole, as far as the sort of things you expect to see in a paragraph like this goes, it appears to have most of the things covered.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
^_^ Well if you get stuck feel free to ask for help and ideas.
I do appreciate the criticism. I have very few minutes to work on my stories so I usually miss the obvious, since I'm trying to write down ideas before I forget them.
Writing is like painting, you have to do a sketch and gradually add in details until you get the finished project.
I'll post my second, longer part soon. It is a sketch, but still critic it a lot. I'm kindof stuck on some of the lines and descriptions.
Okay, I like pirate stories, believe me. In fact, I wrote one. Not to sound rude but this story fails to meet my pirate story standards.
1. Captain does not need to be capatalized unless it's her name. If so, do specify. You did not give her a name.
2. Never just post a paragraph. If you gave us more we might be able to help you more.
3. I agree with Sleeping Valor, ordered is just too quiet for a situation like this. Bellowed or roared would be more sutable.
4. "the sun's fading rays(light)." Okay, if you want to say light, say light. If you don't, don't put it there. I think most people can understand that when they see it.
5. You say the cannonball hit the boat, Where did it hit? The mast, the helm? Be more specific. I know it might be easier to say it just hit the boat, but it makes it a bit boring to read.
6. Once again, you posting only one paragraph makes the battle sequence a bit dull and short. Even in this one paragraph you could have added a ton more stuff.
Okay, I'm done ripping into your story. Sorry that I did that, but when you are really knowledgeable about pirates, you tend to do that. I hope to read paragraph two.
It's the kind of story I have in my head, fast paced and fun. BUT, I'm not feeling it. (since there is only a paragraph I will be more critical than usual =P).
Description! A cannolball struck The Rose, making her hull shudder under the force of the blow. Where did it hit, how hard, how much damage, how did people react? You don't have to put all of it, but if you're going to drop me in the middle of a fire fight I want to feel the danger.
Captain doesn't need to have a capital C, and shards of what?
Ordered sounds a bit soft for mid-battle. Bellowed might have more power. Or 'ordered over the sounds of battle'.
Hurried makes them sound kind of panicked, like they were caught completely off guard.
Met could be replaced by: charged, engaged, doesn't have to but it might sound better.
You're telling me. I want you to show me. Was she graceful? How did her enemies react? A bit more description and maybe a little play by play couldn't hurt to make her struggle seem more real. How many did she fight? Was it tiring?
Pick one. I recommend light. Also, if the day is comming to an end you should mention it sooner, adding it to the description earlier on.
^_^ Despite me picking this apart, it was very good and looks like it's going to be very interesting. I look forward to learning what her history with that man is.