z

Young Writers Society


12+

Singles and Pairs (5) [discontinued]

by Zoom


Scarlett

It was the reverse of waking from a bad dream. Instead of reality, I woke inside the nightmare.

Hundreds of eyes stared in my direction. Fingers pointed, faces frozen mid-gasp. One man dropped his coffee and continued to clutch the air as if he hadn’t. A woman scooped her child into her arms and fled, throwing panic-stricken glances over her shoulder.

The others just stared.

A surge of terror rose in my chest. I didn’t recognise the village square; the yellow market houses lining the perimeter, the flagstone hardscape. The looming clocktower.

The salty, wet taste in the air.

Why won’t they stop staring?

It felt like one of those nightmares where I was naked in public, without any idea how I got there. I glanced down. White trainers. Denim shorts. Faded pink t-shirt. Exactly what I put on for school.

It all came rushing back. Shane. The bell for homeroom. Lisa! Oh god, I attacked her! And then?

I searched for a clue to my whereabouts and spotted an ancient woman perched stiffly on a bench—the only person not gawking at me. If she had much vision left, it was obscured by her giant sun hat and newspaper—the title stated in bold lettering: THE BREEZEPORT OBSERVER.

That explained the salty air. This was the fishing village Dad grew up in. Before he died, Mum would take a coach here and return with enough fresh seafood to last an entire season. I could picture the warm smile on Dad’s face when she cooked one of the meals he enjoyed as a child. Another surge flared in my chest, but not terror this time.

Grief.

I buried it, forced it back in its cage—if I threw away the key, if I didn’t peer between the bars and acknowledge the vile creature within, then I could pretend it wasn’t there at all.

Breezeport. I needed to focus. I glanced up at the clocktower, ignoring the mass of people captivated by my every move. The giant bronze dial and tarnished hands declared the time was 09:10. But that couldn’t be right . . .

“Excuse me,” I said to the elderly woman. Her wrinkly fingers tightened on the newspaper.

“Can you please tell me what time it is?”

She threw a wizened hand over her shoulder, pointing at the clocktower with her thumb.

“I don’t think it’s right,” I said. It couldn’t be. I was miles away from home. There was no way I could be at the coastline ten minutes after hearing the bell for homeroom.

The woman raised a watch to her glassy eyes. “I can assure you that the time is nine ten. Kids today think they know everything!”

The woman buried her face behind her newspaper. I noticed the date in the masthead: Monday, Jul. 9, 2018.

“One more thing,” I asked, a lump forming in my throat. “That newspaper . . . is it today’s?”

“Well it certainly isn’t tomorrow’s!” she huffed, lowering the paper. “And let me inform you, young lady, that it is rude to pester people when-”

She caught sight of the many people staring in our direction and fell silent. The paper crumpled into her lap.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. I started to turn back, but some guy blocked my path, pointing a camera phone in my face. He was about seventeen, my age. And also like me, should have been in school.

“Do it again!” he said with the enthusiasm of someone who just saw a dog do a backflip.

“Do what?”

“The way you ran, it was . . . it was like magic!”

“Move,” I hissed, attempting to get around him. The great thing about towering over almost everyone is that you can do things like knock someone’s phone out of their hand.

“Hey! Are you going to pay for that?”

I was already gone, jogging to the edge of the village square. People recoiled, as if I was about to turn into Godzilla and kick a building over.

I could feel the rage again, rising, taking hold. That’s how it started; first anger, then emptiness.

No, there’s another stage, I thought. Between the anger and emptiness.

My fingernails dug into my palm, as if the pain would stop the next thought from coming.

You hurt people.

A cobblestone path wound away from the town square. I bounded onto it, liberating myself from prying eyes. Shrubbery lined the walkway, curling over, forming a shady tunnel.

I darted further into its depths, plagued by the agony of my own thoughts.

A/N: Eh. I may have taken liberties with my short, choppy sentences. Also if you notice a disparity between English Vs American terms, this story is set in England, to clarify. However, I'm using made-up places anyway so it doesn't really matter ^_^


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Sun Jul 29, 2018 11:09 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey Zoom! I'm back to review this last chapter you have up - you know the drill. :P

This one was a bit odd to me, though I got into it again by the end. The beginning threw me off a lot, first because we suddenly jumped into the aftermath of her doing... whatever she did, without you actually showing us that she did it. I get that she had no idea what she did, but surely there was some kind of sensation? Maybe things blurring past, or her feeling especially tired or nauseous? I feel like including some of those sensations at the end of last chapter would help the transition here.

I also immediately assumed when she appeared somewhere else that she was in Jeremy's world, so that confused me a bit at first until you explained that she apparently just traveled really far.

Because I don't think you'd ever mentioned the date in the story before now, I really had no idea what the significance of it being July 9, 2018 was, so I'd definitely try to work that in somewhere in the previous chapters.

But I really really like how you show her emotions here, her reaction at being back in her home town that she clearly misses, but of course it just isn't the same anymore. I also thought the short sentences did actually work pretty well here!

One last thing - Although your tendency is short chapters and it's worked fairly well so far, here is one place where I'd say a little bit of longer chapter would be better here, with more happening rather than just "oh look, I'm suddenly here in the wrong place" and ending it without any progress towards her figuring out what's going on. Just to make it so it doesn't feel as much like whiplash. :)

Anyway, I think this has been pretty disjointed and I apologize about that, but I hope it could be helpful! This was another pretty good chapter, just maybe a little weaker than the previous, but I'm sure it'll pick back up and I'm really interested in the plot. Can't wait for the next chapter, let me know when you post it!




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Sun Jul 29, 2018 6:30 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Okay, so going off my chapter 3 review:

We didn't get a chance to see Scarlett's normal behavior earlier. Now we've got this weird behavior and she's filled with rage and she attacks people and she runs like crazy - like a superhero, basically - but she doesn't seem particularly freaked out by it?

Like, don't get me wrong. She's definitely weirded out when she realizes the date and time are still basically the same, that she somehow ran to the coast in like 10 minutes. But! Like, this guy comes up to her like "WHOA ARE YOU THE FLASH???" and she??? doesn't really react??? except to be annoyed, but I mean she doesn't go, "Whoa what wait did I run here that's not possible."

She's also a little freaked out by her own rage - specifically the part where she gets so angry that she just attacks someone, no questions asked - but again, I feel like she's not as freaked out as she should be. Additionally, as I pointed out in the chapter 4 review, I don't see any stakes for Scarlett yet. Like, her dad died, she broke up with her boyfriend, now she's apparently got these freaky powers, but I don't have a clue what she wants or anything. So that's something that will hopefully come out as you write this draft, but it's definitely something you want to pin down before revising.





The most important thing is to have fun! Stress makes for distress and neither of those belong in writing!
— Kaia