Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Scarlett
“Scarlett!”
The screech wrenched me back to reality. Lisa was clutching my wrists, shaking them up and down, press-on nails biting into my porcelain skin. How long had she been doing that?
I furtively glanced over my shoulder. The entire classroom had taken their seats. Professor Grimsworth glared at us from behind his desk, bushy eyebrows raised in question of the disturbance.
“Can I borrow Scarlett, professor? Lisa asked, batting her lashes as she towed me into the hall. “Ladies issues, I’m sure you don’t want to hear the details.”
Lisa’s willingness to say anything to anyone rarely came into use, and I wasn’t sure if this was one of those occasions. She closed the door behind us before the professor could find the right words to respond.
In a normal situation, Lisa would not have physically overpowered me. At six feet four inches, I towered over her, as I did most of the students at Hatchbrake High. Today was different; I was so dazed from Shane’s threat, a soft breeze could have plucked me off the ground and carried me overseas.
Lisa’s kitten-heel sandals pattered on the hallway as she tugged me along. I vaguely acknowledged another door open and close. The lighting upgraded from florescent to extra florescent and the smell of lemon-scented handwash filled my sinuses. Lisa shoved me into the nearest toilet cubicle.
“You don’t actually have ladies issues do you?” I asked, pre-emptively changing the conversation.
“Scarlett,” Lisa began, her voice midway between concern and disbelief. “Shane’s arm is in a cast. People are talking, saying that maybe . . . well, that you did it. Tell me that’s not true. You didn’t do that to him, right?”
“Technically, yes,” I said, voice sheepish. I couldn’t bear the accusation in her eyes, so shifted my attention to the pale green, nauseous walls of the cubicle.
“And untechnically?”
“It was an accident. I ended things with him, and then--”
“Wait, you ended things with Shane?” Her head drew back, eyes wide with bewilderment.
I nodded, strawberry blonde curls bouncing gently around my face.
“Scarlett . . . this isn’t you,” she said. Her voice had taken on the devastated tone of a parent who no longer recognised their own child. “Skipping classes, cancelling plans, and now this? Since when do you break up with your boyfriend without telling your best friend? Since when do you break your boyfriend’s arm?”
“I told you that was an accident,” I said, almost hissing at her. I could feel my blood beginning to simmer.
“You haven’t been the same since your father died,” she said, shaking her head. “Look, I know things have been tough, and I’ve tried so hard to be there for you. But you need to get over it already.”
Half a second. That’s how long it took for my blood to rise from an agitated simmer to an enraged boil. I shoved her with an open fist, sending her sprawling out of the cubicle. She landed on her butt with a heavy thud.
“What the fuck!” she wailed, thumping her hands on the linoleum floor. A false nail snapped from her thumb and skidded across the entire length of the bathroom.
I didn’t care. At least, not then. All I could see was red. All I felt was the burning necessity to be as far away as possible.
So I ran.
Out of the toilets. Across the hall. Away from the students peering out of their classrooms. Out of the building and onto the front lawn.
I ran to the end of the street. And the end of the next. And the one after that.
I just ran.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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OKAY. So I was going to read chapters 4 and 5 and review those, but then I had nothing to say, so I read back over the first three chapters to see what I could come up with and found that I had something to comment on here.
I think a major problem right now is that we have no idea what Scarlett's normal behavior is like. We had zero time before the story started to establish a baseline for what her behavior, mood, and home life usually are, so it doesn't strike me as weird like it should that she's acting this way - at least not until she attacks Lisa, which seems like an overreaction. I mean, breaking up with Shane didn't seem weird. Look at the way she was scared of his lack of anger, the way she thought that really meant something terrifying was up with him - that seems to imply some sort of abuse on his part.
And then he blackmails her into not breaking up with him? Man, she was right to dump him. That doesn't seem weird at all. Also??? It is not weird??? to break up with ya boi???
I mean, unless the day before you were gushing about him, I guess. But it doesn't seem like that would've been the case.
So it's just sort of weird to me that Lisa's like "YOU'RE ACTING SO STRANGE!!!" because literally until Scarlett attacks Lisa in this chapter she doesn't seem strange at all, because I don't know how she is normally.
Alternatively, if there's no time to show her normal behavior - since this has changed since her dad died, and starting the story prior to that is probably too early - you could show her skipping class or something similar and have someone call and go, "ey yo where are you, you're never late" and see how that goes down.
Additionally, it's weird that everyone would just accept Shane's story that she broke his arm. Like I know Scarlett is super tall, but Shane is a football player??? He's all athletic and stuff? I don't know, I guess I find it weird that a) a jock would admit a girl broke his arm and b) everyone would 100% accept without question that his ex-girlfriend did break his arm.
At least until she attacks Lisa, at which point that definitely becomes more plausible because, well, now she's actually, like, thrown someone across a room.
Hey Zoom! I'm back for another review on this lovely Review Day!
I really like this. Your style and tone is just funny and to read - Scarlett's snark makes it so it doesn't feel like it takes itself too seriously. I really liked the line about the light breeze that could carry her overseas. XD
I think maybe it is a little *too* melodramatic at one particularly point, and I'll point out where. :p
This is where it crossed the line for me, mostly because in addition to being slightly dramatic/cliche, it's also feels like exposition - although we knew Scarlett broke up with her boyfriend, we still don't know why, and we didn't know any of this stuff about skipping classes or canceling plans either, and more importantly, we haven't seen her before she started doing all of this, so we had no idea this wasn't normal for her. Because of that and then the line about her father dying, it feels like Lisa is going out of her way to explain what's not normal to the readers.
That being said, that line about Scarlett needing to get over it... ouch. I do not like Lisa at all now; that's just not cool. That's a pretty big deal and it obviously needs to stay in - I'm definitely not saying take out that whole confrontation, just change the wording of Lisa's accusation and try to sprinkle in more about Scarlett skipping classes and such (and a recognition by Scarlett, in her head, before this confrontation, that things are maybe getting a little out of hand) would really help make it feel like there is actually a grain of truth to what Lisa's saying, even if she's not being very empathetic about it.
*opening and closing (yeah, it's kind of a weird phrasing)
And this is a bit of a shorter review, but I think that's all I've got for you, so I'll leave it at that! I need to head out now, but I'll be back later today to finish reviewing the rest of these chapters.
I enjoy how you pay attention to detail. The dialogue is easy to follow, and the wording is great. This chapter does kind of seem like something out of a soap opera though. Overall, it was a good read.
Thanks - I see what you mean about the soap opera comment. You can thank my melodramatic dialog for that haha ^_^
I enjoy how you pay attention to detail. The dialogue is easy to follow, and the wording is great. This chapter does kind of seem like something out of a soap opera though. Overall, it was a good read.
I enjoy how you pay attention to detail. The dialogue is easy to follow, and the wording is great. This chapter does kind of seem like something out of a soap opera though. Overall, it was a good read.