Published December 9, 2011
In my rotten life...
The Apples borne of death and envy,
Afflicted light, in the clear you see, it's bleaching effect.
People dying slowly.
In my rotten life...
The filth around is a sign of caring,
The dirt and grime I breath in daily
Broken chairs as I am shattered,
With a head full of pain and a view so bleak,
My resolve is cracking my mind is weak.
In the dead of night, the cold seeps through the cracks in my skin.
I'm filled with ice, I have no blankets to hide underneath,
I have wounds to bathe, the Water runs but it's dirty. It's not safe,
As the scab unfolds, the itch drives me to my hole.
It's that time again, when the lights on street go dim.
As the dawn arrives, I can only sit and hope that I will die.
This rountine remains: same food, same life, same place,
This cannot go on, my life is hard because I have no one.
There is one change I can make, one power I can take.
I take my Razors and my sense of hope, another cut in my rotten life...
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140,745 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Hey, I think it's good and all but your telling I think you shouls tell more and less telling.
Hey I'm Flow and I will be your reviewer for the evening. First thing I want to say is that I love your user name! (Completely side tracked me) Anyways on to your review. I apologize in advance if I sound mean, it is not my intention to do so.
In the first stanza you are already starting to sound cliche. The first thing you said made me shudder and say oh no another emo poem. I gave the poem a chance first line aside and it proved to be a cliche emo poem. I can see your trying to use description in this poem but your still telling not showing. It's very hard to get showing and not telling correct, I struggle with it myself. What helped me was describing things a little less angsty. You don't want to start out trying to evoke a large amount of emotion, try starting with a bird or a tree. (something simple)
Anyway, back to the first stanza. The rest of the stanza just confused me. You want to get the descriptions right and not have to explain them. I get the impression that you are talking about death, but death is a very fragile subject and has to be described in a way everyone understands.
In the second stanza you repeat the first line of your first stanza. I don't think this was really needed because you fail to repeat it in the last stanza. That may just be me because of the angst in the words themselves. This stanza is also confusing, you fill it with imagery but you do nothing with it. You write a bunch of lines and don't tell the reader anything. I can usually make sense of poems but this stanza just draws a blank.
In the first two lines of the last stanza you get the impression of cutting. You have something going here but I don't like the whole blanket thing. That really doesn't make sense because normal people don' t hide under blankets they use sleeves. In the third line all I could think about was the hungry children in Africa and their dirty water. I don't know I may be weird but why would you have to use dirty water? The rest of the poem is telling and angst. We can't relate to this whatsoever because you didn't tell us what happened. Why do you feel this way? What makes your life so horrible that you would want to die?
The thing about poems like these are if you want to connect with the reader the poem probably won't mean much to you. I'm not telling you to stop writing, but if you want others to read it you want to connect with the reader. That is the whole point of writing, for the reader to understand. I can see writing poems to inleash your emotions but those are ones only you will understand.
I hope I wasnt to harsh, if you need anything pm me.
-Flow-
Hey there!
I'll be reviewing this today!
First off, there isn't any uniformity. The first stanza has four lines, and then the second has six lines, and the third has 10 lines! You could just make them into other stanzas, you know.
Also,
In the last stanza, all the lines are so big, when compared to the rest of the poem. Maybe you can shorten them somehow?
Though, I really liked this poem, despite its faults. It had a lot of emoticons in it, and the poem conveyed it well. I hope to read more of your work!
-TwistedMuffins.