Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
I had just witnessed a tragedy. In front of my car was a mass of crushed metal and screaming voices. Hundreds of people crushed into a gore of metal, pinned in pile up of cars, a stupid mistake of some unknown driver buried under this mess who took everyone he could with him. In front of this bloody mess of bodies in living agony were some twenty-odd people carrying guns, glass, knives and even swords, slashing and digging into this mess, killing anyone their tools could reach. With each stab it seemed like a new face joined the crowd taking up arms against their fallen neighbors. It was a messy sight made far worse by the pleading, the begging that someone kill them, yet with each lost voice that mess seemed.... less.
But through it all, I was calm, a casual step out of my car, a slight stumble as I walked over wrecked metal that had torn the underside of my car, and a loud grunt as I pulled open a caved in trunk and a smile as I pulled out explosives. Enough c4 to fill the entire trunk of my small car. I called over to those bloody masses digging away at their fellow man to help me. They smiled and ran over to help me lay those explosives, the whole ever growing crowd preparing the line like they had done this before. .
So many cries of agony had started to die out under that mass, the begging never ceased but it was growing quieter with every minute and this mass of people seemed to grow ever larger. After minutes of waiting they were even shouting, encouraging me on as I set in the final fuse. As I pulled the trigger far too close to the explosion some even smiled.
The blast cut out the yelling, the screaming, it was a empty feeling as everything was engulfed in that ever expanding fire. Metal screamed and hissed at the temperatures roasted anyone not hit by the blast, then the fire reached me, a ever expanding blast that roasted me to my core. Then nothing.
The thralls of death however were only there with me a moment, a dark cold that was seeping through my being ended before it ever began. I had most certainly died, dead in that explosion along with every man, woman, and child who was close enough to be hit. Yet there were even more people familiar faces and those half dead in the wreckage out digging up their belongings and looking for working phones. I was safe, clean, with the only burns on me being my shoes half sunk in melted metal.
I am simply a cop, a investigator who had witnessed a tragedy and solved the problem as I saw it. This is my world, where death is denied.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,877 Reviews
Hi, Zolen. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excused me as I put on my glasses *puts on pink glasses*
I like this story, but it got me confused. The plot will get me uncomfortable if I kept on reading the story. You repeated some sentences on here. Maybe you need to stop with the overused wordings. However, this is very good. I am kind of lured in this chapter as I looked at the image that you gave me the descriptions. I enjoyed this story a lot. I love to read more from you. I will be waiting for the next part. Have a nice day!
Good Job and Keep it writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
Hey there.
Am I missing something? At first, you were describing a car crash, the next, there's a battle taking place in front of this? Why?
What am I reading? You say he's a cop, but he's tampering with the scene of the investigation for no apparent reason =/ Even worse, you have people willing to help the corrupt cop set up explosives. Why are people willing to help him do something as stupid as that? This makes absolutely no sense.
What? Civilians smiled for getting caught in the radius of the blast?
See if this was a terrorist dressed up in a cop costume, I would find this story much more believable and engaging. However, this is a cop, whom for no reason decides to blow up some people. Why is this guy even allowed to be a cop in the first place? Shouldn't he not even be allowed to be a cop, considering there would be signs in the past that he's an arsonist?
Overall impressions:
This story made no absolutely no sense. First of all, there's an accident scene right, so shouldn't the whole place be cordoned off by the police? Nope, instead people are allowed to fight near it and be at the scene! Big gapping whole in logic right there.
But let's not the worst of it. Why is the cop wiling to blow the scene up? Why is such a messed up guy even in law enforcement? How come no one and I mean NO ONE saw the signs that this guy might be loopy and not right in the head? I find it really hard to believe that this cop just randomly felt like blowing people up one day.
But wait's there's more. Why are the civilians actually HELPING this guy set up the explosives? Are the people really that keen to die? Like what the heck? "Yea man, just kill us all, because I want to forfeit my life for no reason at all." o.o And how come there weren't any other cops on the scene + civilians trying to stop this man from setting off the explosives?
I know this review came off harsh, but your chapter just has no logic to it at all. It's like you felt like writing about people getting killed and blown up all of a sudden, but made no effort to make it realistic at all. If you wish to stick with this idea, but make it more realistic, you could try the cop actually being a terrorist in cop uniform, and the traffic accident is caused by one of his cohorts, and his job in this act of terrorism is to blow the scene up (though that still doesn't answer why people would actually help a terrorist out).
Even that is quite a stretch. It's cool and all to write about a graphic scene, but do make sure it makes sense to the reader as well.
Hoped this helped.
*Zolen sends a attempt to explain in the hopes that maybe this person can explain how to hint at it all better.*
Hey Zo~
Ooh. This sounds really cool. I'm really intrigued by it.
I'm just sad there isn't more right now. I see that it's only part one, but I wish you would have made part one a little longer because I'm really confused right now.
Did the speaker cause the accident? Why did he have C4 in his trunk? Are the 'bloody masses' wounded people or people who don't die? Why are they attacking other people? Did the explosion really kill them then?
Some of those questions are okay. Especially the "Why did he have C4 in his trunk?" question. Some of them are questions that turn me off because I'm too confused to really grasp what this is going to be about.
I understand wanting to keep an air of mystery about your work in the beginning, but the fog here is too thick. Maybe start when the accident happens instead of in the moments after?
Keep in mind that while you want to show your entire hand to your readers, so that they're intrigued enough to step into your world, you also don't want to blind fold them and spin them around and drop them into a country that doesn't speak their language. It's a little too much confusion and shock.
That last sentence here though is such a good one. It immediately makes me want to start looking for part 2, so you do have something going for you!
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to talk to me.
Update me when you get part 2 out,
Megs~
Well since you offered. *pms*
Hello, love. Aurora here for a quick review.
.
I had just witnessed a tragedy, in front of my car was a mass of crushed metal and screaming voices.
I had just witnessed a tragedy. In front of my car was a mass of crushed metal and screaming voices.
You overuse the word gore in your first paragraph.
smile as I pulled out explosives, enough c4 to fill the entire trunk of my small car.
smile as I pulled out explosives. Enough c4 to fill the entire trunk of my small car.
Alright. I like what you've done here, though the concept was a bit confusing to me. This might be better off as a prologue. Also, some description of surroundings and people might help the reader understand more. Your style is very detached... It fits this concept. I like
Keep writing, love.
Aurora
Yap this is a prologue in intent, however I am trying out a theory I heard that claiming it is the first part of a chapter, results in more people bothering to read it. Apparently people freak out at prologues and skip them for some annoying reason.
Suggestions taken. Thank you.